Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I have been struggling a lot recently- I am very unhappy in my current work situation and it has taken a huge toll on my physical and mental health: I was working so much and did not take care of myself so that I lost so much weight that I almost ended up in hospital. I am also mentally completely burnt out. I am now back to a normal weight (after being 7 weeks off from work a few weeks ago) but I am still utterly burnt out and I have recently had massive issues with overeating and binging (completely out of control, several times a week where I eat 7 ice creams or a whole cake or 4-5 pastries etc. in one sitting :(). I think this is a manifestation of my stress and despair but is still extremely hard to deal with as I feel so helpless and already struggle with digestive issues under normal circumstances, so these binges are extremely painful and I don't seem able to stop and I am not sure what to do about this. I think if I can get out of this situation I probably will no longer feel compelled to engage in this detrimental coping mechanism but it is a very vicious cycle.
I am a scientist and I moved abroad to Germany in September to start working in my current lab. I started as an intern with the hope of staying on for a PhD. I was extremely excited and enthusiastic when I started and after 2 months I was told that I could stay as a PhD student and that I would be employed part-time (this is usual in Germany) from beginning December. In the end my contract didn't come through until the end of February (with no back pay) and I ended up in financial difficulties and in a difficult situation. My current contract goes until mid-August and it doesn't look like there is funding for my position after that. In addition I feel very unhappy at work as I feel unsupported and I am concerned that there are some bad practices going on (ie bad science). so that I have become very doubtful of some of the data and I feel like I cannot learn in this lab. I am inexperienced myself and I want to be somewhere where I can learn, where I have a good mentor and where I feel mentally stimulated and not just lost and overworked.
I have finally decided that I need to leave this lab. I still want to do a PhD but realistically I probably will only be able to start in autumn 2023 (due to funding deadlines) so I will need to find a temporary job until then. However I am stressed out and anxious as I am so worried that I am the problem and that it is my fault that things didn't work out and that I will fail no matter where I go. The people in my work place have at times been very nice to me so this confuses me and I just feel like an utter failure at this point. I am also panicking as I am so desperate to get out but I am really undecided about what I should do and I am struggling to write applications and I have no idea where I will live. Going to live with family is not an option so I have nowhere to go.
I am even more stressed now as some friends have pointed out 2 job opportunities in labs for which the deadlines to apply are Tuesday/Wednesday. I feel like I should apply (even if I am not sure that I want to take the position), but this is making me feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed to the point where I am non-stop binging and in an utter state of panic. I just feel overwhelmed and I am not sure if these jobs are even right for me and if I should really engage in a full time job in a lab again straight away. I was thinking maybe just applying would make me feel empowered but it is really taking a toll on me at the moment so I am not sure what to do- I am panicking.
What I really want is to move back to Cambridge (where I studied and have friends and feel at home), but I am not sure how I can fund this and if I can realistically organise this- I have even considered taking a part time non-science related job there (eg. in a supermarket or college etc, plus maybe some tutoring) but I don't know. If I did this I would probably still be able to help out a bit in my old lab if I wanted to and was missing science. I just feel so lost right now as I feel overwhelmed and feel like I just need time to think this all through... but I am so scared that if I do not move fast with applications, I might miss out on good job opportunities and stay stuck here, which is horrible. I also have no idea how I will cope to continue working until August- the past week I was so depressed I barely managed anything and I kept thinking that life was just not worth living anymore. I still have some hope but I am in such a dark place and state of despair. I just want to get out but I seem to lack the energy to build my path out of this mess- but I don't think I can bear being stuck in my current situation any longer.
I don't really know how anyone can help at this point and I'm sorry if this post is completely random. I just really needed to talk about this and I guess I just wanted to feel less alone in this mess. I recently realised that I am probably autistic which has been a huge revelation but it has also been very confusing and overwhelming. I think that is the main thing I am feeling right now... utterly overwhelmed, paralysed and in a state of panic.
Oh Ann - I’m so sorry you are feeling like this - but it’s completely understandable. The first couple of years after leaving Uni are often very unsettling. It can be especially difficult difficult for autistic people for whom the workplace can have many extra challenges (eg the social side of things). It seems pretty clear that you’re not happy where you are. The good news is that you have very many strengths that are going to help you. You are highly intelligent and very skilled in your subject area. You also obviously have the ability to cope with moving from country to country to live and study or work - so that implies considerable coping and organisational skills. You have so much going in your favour! You love Cambridge - that’s clear. You are fragile and going back to Cambridge would be a comfort to you I’m sure. I feel that you need to prioritise your mental health and well being. Your career can’t progress if you’re completely burnt out - so prioritising your mental health IS prioritising your career (in the long run). The good thing about the U.K. at the moment is that everywhere you go there are places trying to employ people - they are real shortages of staff in the U.K. at the moment - so you’ll definitely be able to find some sort of work here - even if it’s unskilled. It might even be nice for you to do a job like that for a while. Maybe anyway - it’s certainly true that lots of supposedly ‘unskilled’ jobs are actually hugely tiring and stressful. But either way - I’m sure you’d be able to find work in Cambridge. I’m so sorry about your issues with food and binging - that must be so upsetting - I’m sorry. I’m afraid I know very little about that - I really wish I could help. Hopefully your dietician that you’ve told me about can help you? I hope so. X
Do you have any savings to help you with whatever move you decide on eventually? Obviously the practicalities of this must feel quite challenging. But you’ve done it before Ann - so I’m sure you’ll be able to do this again - it won’t be easy but it will be worth it to be somewhere where you feel you can be happier and feel more at home.
Thank you so much for your kind message- it makes me feel better. I did talk to my dietitian about the binging issue and she thinks it's a manifestation of the extreme stress and unhappiness I am experiencing- she basically suggested I look for a way to get out of my current situation, maybe just get a less stressful job for a while so that I can prioritise my mental health and recharge for a bit. I hope that as I destress a bit the binging issue will improve- I was in a similar state with binging whilst trying to finish my MPhil whilst being semi-incapacitated with brain-fog/ fatigue associated with Long Covid- I swore at the time I would never let myself get that stressed again... After I made it to the end of the MPhil, the binging stopped (it took a bit of effort for the first days but the urge was gone).
It was so hard to make the decision to leave my current lab (and I still doubt it sometimes), but I hope that once I have a bit of a plan in place the stress levels will go down and I will start functioning a bit better again- because the state I am in right now is just not good or sustainable... and it is certainly not worth being in this state for a job/degree.
Unfortunately I have no savings: my current work contract came through 3 months later than promised (with no back pay) so that I worked 6 months unpaid and I am now in debt with no savings. I am trying to be particularly careful with spending the next weeks/months. I will figure something out- I think I just got so desperate to have a plan that essentially I just panicked and ended up making myself incapable of doing anything... Thanks so much :) It's so nice to have a friend.