Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I have been struggling a lot recently- I am very unhappy in my current work situation and it has taken a huge toll on my physical and mental health: I was working so much and did not take care of myself so that I lost so much weight that I almost ended up in hospital. I am also mentally completely burnt out. I am now back to a normal weight (after being 7 weeks off from work a few weeks ago) but I am still utterly burnt out and I have recently had massive issues with overeating and binging (completely out of control, several times a week where I eat 7 ice creams or a whole cake or 4-5 pastries etc. in one sitting :(). I think this is a manifestation of my stress and despair but is still extremely hard to deal with as I feel so helpless and already struggle with digestive issues under normal circumstances, so these binges are extremely painful and I don't seem able to stop and I am not sure what to do about this. I think if I can get out of this situation I probably will no longer feel compelled to engage in this detrimental coping mechanism but it is a very vicious cycle.
I am a scientist and I moved abroad to Germany in September to start working in my current lab. I started as an intern with the hope of staying on for a PhD. I was extremely excited and enthusiastic when I started and after 2 months I was told that I could stay as a PhD student and that I would be employed part-time (this is usual in Germany) from beginning December. In the end my contract didn't come through until the end of February (with no back pay) and I ended up in financial difficulties and in a difficult situation. My current contract goes until mid-August and it doesn't look like there is funding for my position after that. In addition I feel very unhappy at work as I feel unsupported and I am concerned that there are some bad practices going on (ie bad science). so that I have become very doubtful of some of the data and I feel like I cannot learn in this lab. I am inexperienced myself and I want to be somewhere where I can learn, where I have a good mentor and where I feel mentally stimulated and not just lost and overworked.
I have finally decided that I need to leave this lab. I still want to do a PhD but realistically I probably will only be able to start in autumn 2023 (due to funding deadlines) so I will need to find a temporary job until then. However I am stressed out and anxious as I am so worried that I am the problem and that it is my fault that things didn't work out and that I will fail no matter where I go. The people in my work place have at times been very nice to me so this confuses me and I just feel like an utter failure at this point. I am also panicking as I am so desperate to get out but I am really undecided about what I should do and I am struggling to write applications and I have no idea where I will live. Going to live with family is not an option so I have nowhere to go.
I am even more stressed now as some friends have pointed out 2 job opportunities in labs for which the deadlines to apply are Tuesday/Wednesday. I feel like I should apply (even if I am not sure that I want to take the position), but this is making me feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed to the point where I am non-stop binging and in an utter state of panic. I just feel overwhelmed and I am not sure if these jobs are even right for me and if I should really engage in a full time job in a lab again straight away. I was thinking maybe just applying would make me feel empowered but it is really taking a toll on me at the moment so I am not sure what to do- I am panicking.
What I really want is to move back to Cambridge (where I studied and have friends and feel at home), but I am not sure how I can fund this and if I can realistically organise this- I have even considered taking a part time non-science related job there (eg. in a supermarket or college etc, plus maybe some tutoring) but I don't know. If I did this I would probably still be able to help out a bit in my old lab if I wanted to and was missing science. I just feel so lost right now as I feel overwhelmed and feel like I just need time to think this all through... but I am so scared that if I do not move fast with applications, I might miss out on good job opportunities and stay stuck here, which is horrible. I also have no idea how I will cope to continue working until August- the past week I was so depressed I barely managed anything and I kept thinking that life was just not worth living anymore. I still have some hope but I am in such a dark place and state of despair. I just want to get out but I seem to lack the energy to build my path out of this mess- but I don't think I can bear being stuck in my current situation any longer.
I don't really know how anyone can help at this point and I'm sorry if this post is completely random. I just really needed to talk about this and I guess I just wanted to feel less alone in this mess. I recently realised that I am probably autistic which has been a huge revelation but it has also been very confusing and overwhelming. I think that is the main thing I am feeling right now... utterly overwhelmed, paralysed and in a state of panic.
I know the you might be feeling overwhelmed and rushed right now. You want a stable place to stay, you want good people around you, you want a job that mentally stimulates you, and you want better habits for yourself. Keep these things in mind, because those are your desires, and let them be your guide.
I think that you see all the options laid out before you. There are pros and cons with each of them, but which ever one feels right to you, is probably the best choice for you. I mean you might have fomo (fear of missing out) on a job opportunity, but to be honest, there's nothing quite like Cambridge for you. Everything is not as good as Cambridge, and you just miss it so much. But what is stopping you is the lack of preparation and planning, like how to earn money and have a stable source of income while liking the work that you do, but that would be the same thing as what you're doing right now (applying for lab jobs), except the difference is that you'll have friends and feel at home. Even if you find an average job, at least it'll fund the place that you love to reside in.
Thank you, what you say is very true. I think what I really need right now is to be in a place where I can heal, recover and then work out a long term plan. I think if I can make it work financially, it would help me to move back to a place I love and where I have friends- I am not sure I could cope with moving to yet another new place for just a year. Part of me is also craving to do a job which doesn't require a lot of thinking, for a while- that way I can mentally rest and then when I feel like it I can engage in science in my free time- in Cambridge there are so many scientific talks that are happening each day too so I doubt that I would feel under-stimulated. And I can still find a job in a lab later. Maybe I just need to slow down... I am putting myself under so much pressure to apply for science related jobs straight away. I need to recover now and then just bridge the gap between now and autumn 2023 when hopefully I will be able to start a PhD- for which I am also happy to move to a new place :) . Thank you so much for listening- I still have ten thousand things and doubts and options flying through my head but I feel like I have some more clarity.