Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I have been struggling a lot recently- I am very unhappy in my current work situation and it has taken a huge toll on my physical and mental health: I was working so much and did not take care of myself so that I lost so much weight that I almost ended up in hospital. I am also mentally completely burnt out. I am now back to a normal weight (after being 7 weeks off from work a few weeks ago) but I am still utterly burnt out and I have recently had massive issues with overeating and binging (completely out of control, several times a week where I eat 7 ice creams or a whole cake or 4-5 pastries etc. in one sitting :(). I think this is a manifestation of my stress and despair but is still extremely hard to deal with as I feel so helpless and already struggle with digestive issues under normal circumstances, so these binges are extremely painful and I don't seem able to stop and I am not sure what to do about this. I think if I can get out of this situation I probably will no longer feel compelled to engage in this detrimental coping mechanism but it is a very vicious cycle.
I am a scientist and I moved abroad to Germany in September to start working in my current lab. I started as an intern with the hope of staying on for a PhD. I was extremely excited and enthusiastic when I started and after 2 months I was told that I could stay as a PhD student and that I would be employed part-time (this is usual in Germany) from beginning December. In the end my contract didn't come through until the end of February (with no back pay) and I ended up in financial difficulties and in a difficult situation. My current contract goes until mid-August and it doesn't look like there is funding for my position after that. In addition I feel very unhappy at work as I feel unsupported and I am concerned that there are some bad practices going on (ie bad science). so that I have become very doubtful of some of the data and I feel like I cannot learn in this lab. I am inexperienced myself and I want to be somewhere where I can learn, where I have a good mentor and where I feel mentally stimulated and not just lost and overworked.
I have finally decided that I need to leave this lab. I still want to do a PhD but realistically I probably will only be able to start in autumn 2023 (due to funding deadlines) so I will need to find a temporary job until then. However I am stressed out and anxious as I am so worried that I am the problem and that it is my fault that things didn't work out and that I will fail no matter where I go. The people in my work place have at times been very nice to me so this confuses me and I just feel like an utter failure at this point. I am also panicking as I am so desperate to get out but I am really undecided about what I should do and I am struggling to write applications and I have no idea where I will live. Going to live with family is not an option so I have nowhere to go.
I am even more stressed now as some friends have pointed out 2 job opportunities in labs for which the deadlines to apply are Tuesday/Wednesday. I feel like I should apply (even if I am not sure that I want to take the position), but this is making me feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed to the point where I am non-stop binging and in an utter state of panic. I just feel overwhelmed and I am not sure if these jobs are even right for me and if I should really engage in a full time job in a lab again straight away. I was thinking maybe just applying would make me feel empowered but it is really taking a toll on me at the moment so I am not sure what to do- I am panicking.
What I really want is to move back to Cambridge (where I studied and have friends and feel at home), but I am not sure how I can fund this and if I can realistically organise this- I have even considered taking a part time non-science related job there (eg. in a supermarket or college etc, plus maybe some tutoring) but I don't know. If I did this I would probably still be able to help out a bit in my old lab if I wanted to and was missing science. I just feel so lost right now as I feel overwhelmed and feel like I just need time to think this all through... but I am so scared that if I do not move fast with applications, I might miss out on good job opportunities and stay stuck here, which is horrible. I also have no idea how I will cope to continue working until August- the past week I was so depressed I barely managed anything and I kept thinking that life was just not worth living anymore. I still have some hope but I am in such a dark place and state of despair. I just want to get out but I seem to lack the energy to build my path out of this mess- but I don't think I can bear being stuck in my current situation any longer.
I don't really know how anyone can help at this point and I'm sorry if this post is completely random. I just really needed to talk about this and I guess I just wanted to feel less alone in this mess. I recently realised that I am probably autistic which has been a huge revelation but it has also been very confusing and overwhelming. I think that is the main thing I am feeling right now... utterly overwhelmed, paralysed and in a state of panic.
Hi, I just wanted to thank you both- thanks to your very supportive messages I was able to calm down and I just did something a bit crazy that might have boosted my confidence and for sure gave my not so healthy perfectionism a dent. I saw a job in Cambridge that I liked but the deadline was just now but I managed to write a cover letter from scratch and update my cv in just over an hour and I just sent it off... I feel slightly boosted in my confidence, though I probably should not reread it tomorrow... I hope I didn't make too many typos :).
That's amazing news Ann. At least you sent a cover letter indicating your interest in the job in Cambridge. I hope you get it, and if not, there's likely many more other job openings in Cambridge that would be better suited for you. I really think you should be in Cambridge, because you seem much more joyful and motivated to go back to Cambridge than any other option. I mean once you overcome the hurdle of finding a job and a place to live in Cambridge, then everything else will just fall into place.
I think it'll be good to do something less draining, because it would give you time to focus on yourself and your own needs, and to take better care of yourself. It would be good for you to heal and recover, and to do things that would work best for you, even if it does not work for others.
Perhaps you can look up Fixed Mindset and Growth Mindset. I grew up in a household that had a very fixed and ridged way of thinking, very black and white, binary, right or wrong, success or failure, and if you failed, you were punished, so there was a lot of fear, judgement, and criticism. I had a harmful mindset towards myself, and I struggled to eat, and treat myself well. I would work non-stop to the point of burn out, starvation, and my body would just be in shambles. So I can relate to a lot of your personal struggles.
But you know the great thing about human beings, is that they're adaptable and can learn new things, acquire new habits, and so on. I eventually learned a different type of mindset. I mean I think you have an idea of how it's like, when you say that you want a place where you can learn, have a good mentor, and be mentally stimulated. The growth mindset basically just learning new things and growing, even when you make a mistake, it's not a detriment to your self-worth, but it's just something to get curious about and to learn from. I mean the fixed/perfectionistic mindset would just limit you (and everyone else) because it makes you feel flawed because you don't meet the standards or the expectations (which could be unrealistic). But the growth mindset is about just starting as you are now, and then adding one or two new things to your collective database of knowledge and skills, and those small things accumulate over time, and you end up knowing and able to do a ton of interesting things.
Thanks! I'll look into the Growth mindset- it sounds like a much more positive and healthy mindset- I do struggle a lot with black and white / all or nothing thinking and in the long term that causes issues..
It might be helpful to look up ways to change all or nothing thinking, or change perfectionism, if you're ready for those kinds of things. I mean, there's likely many articles discussing the issue, or any issues for that matter. The amount of accumulated knowledge we have in this day and age is astounding.