Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I have been struggling a lot recently- I am very unhappy in my current work situation and it has taken a huge toll on my physical and mental health: I was working so much and did not take care of myself so that I lost so much weight that I almost ended up in hospital. I am also mentally completely burnt out. I am now back to a normal weight (after being 7 weeks off from work a few weeks ago) but I am still utterly burnt out and I have recently had massive issues with overeating and binging (completely out of control, several times a week where I eat 7 ice creams or a whole cake or 4-5 pastries etc. in one sitting :(). I think this is a manifestation of my stress and despair but is still extremely hard to deal with as I feel so helpless and already struggle with digestive issues under normal circumstances, so these binges are extremely painful and I don't seem able to stop and I am not sure what to do about this. I think if I can get out of this situation I probably will no longer feel compelled to engage in this detrimental coping mechanism but it is a very vicious cycle.
I am a scientist and I moved abroad to Germany in September to start working in my current lab. I started as an intern with the hope of staying on for a PhD. I was extremely excited and enthusiastic when I started and after 2 months I was told that I could stay as a PhD student and that I would be employed part-time (this is usual in Germany) from beginning December. In the end my contract didn't come through until the end of February (with no back pay) and I ended up in financial difficulties and in a difficult situation. My current contract goes until mid-August and it doesn't look like there is funding for my position after that. In addition I feel very unhappy at work as I feel unsupported and I am concerned that there are some bad practices going on (ie bad science). so that I have become very doubtful of some of the data and I feel like I cannot learn in this lab. I am inexperienced myself and I want to be somewhere where I can learn, where I have a good mentor and where I feel mentally stimulated and not just lost and overworked.
I have finally decided that I need to leave this lab. I still want to do a PhD but realistically I probably will only be able to start in autumn 2023 (due to funding deadlines) so I will need to find a temporary job until then. However I am stressed out and anxious as I am so worried that I am the problem and that it is my fault that things didn't work out and that I will fail no matter where I go. The people in my work place have at times been very nice to me so this confuses me and I just feel like an utter failure at this point. I am also panicking as I am so desperate to get out but I am really undecided about what I should do and I am struggling to write applications and I have no idea where I will live. Going to live with family is not an option so I have nowhere to go.
I am even more stressed now as some friends have pointed out 2 job opportunities in labs for which the deadlines to apply are Tuesday/Wednesday. I feel like I should apply (even if I am not sure that I want to take the position), but this is making me feel extremely stressed and overwhelmed to the point where I am non-stop binging and in an utter state of panic. I just feel overwhelmed and I am not sure if these jobs are even right for me and if I should really engage in a full time job in a lab again straight away. I was thinking maybe just applying would make me feel empowered but it is really taking a toll on me at the moment so I am not sure what to do- I am panicking.
What I really want is to move back to Cambridge (where I studied and have friends and feel at home), but I am not sure how I can fund this and if I can realistically organise this- I have even considered taking a part time non-science related job there (eg. in a supermarket or college etc, plus maybe some tutoring) but I don't know. If I did this I would probably still be able to help out a bit in my old lab if I wanted to and was missing science. I just feel so lost right now as I feel overwhelmed and feel like I just need time to think this all through... but I am so scared that if I do not move fast with applications, I might miss out on good job opportunities and stay stuck here, which is horrible. I also have no idea how I will cope to continue working until August- the past week I was so depressed I barely managed anything and I kept thinking that life was just not worth living anymore. I still have some hope but I am in such a dark place and state of despair. I just want to get out but I seem to lack the energy to build my path out of this mess- but I don't think I can bear being stuck in my current situation any longer.
I don't really know how anyone can help at this point and I'm sorry if this post is completely random. I just really needed to talk about this and I guess I just wanted to feel less alone in this mess. I recently realised that I am probably autistic which has been a huge revelation but it has also been very confusing and overwhelming. I think that is the main thing I am feeling right now... utterly overwhelmed, paralysed and in a state of panic.
I think you should give yourself huge credit for all the things you have done over the past few years and also the fact you have had the drive to move abroad to a completely 'alien' environment and new job all at once.
I think we push ourselves to achieve often at the expense of our overall wellbeing. We focus on what we think we 'should' be doing rather than on what would make us happiest.
It sounds like you would be most happy in Cambridge and it doesn't matter what job you end up doing if you are in a place you love with people that make you feel good about yourself. Surely that is the most important thing in life?
I graduated with a Zoology degree and part of me felt I should have 'done something with it' but there is no limit to where a curious mind can go - it doesn't have to be work related. I'm very interested in the world and love finding things out (not always remembering them!) and using my sciency brain in my spare time.
Hope you get where you want to be
Thanks!! Yes I think there is probably a beauty in having a job which is not too mentally exhausting so that there is space for thinking and science as a hobby. Like you say there is not limit to curiosity :). It's so true that just because we can do something, doesn't mean we 'should' do it- I actually had an even crazier plan a few years ago- After my bachelor I wanted to get a job to get some savings so that I could train to become a hiking guide in France (I had actually done quite a lot of research about this...)- I love walking so much and was quite good at it and I wanted to explore this as a career at least for a while- unfortunately I was then injured and had to forget about my escape into the mountains :(.
I've made up my mind to move back to Cambridge if I can. I am still stressed but I feel much calmer now that I have a purpose and I can try to focus my energy on working towards my escape plan :). I just sent off another application, again it was very rushed but it is very confidence boosting to feel like I am doing something that might actually get me where I want to be!!
I'm curious, do you have any favourite scientific interests? What aspects of Zoology do you like? I have a friend working on pattern formation in cichlid fish- have you heard of them? They are fascinating ;). I'm more of a developmental neurobiologist but I am interested in lots of things :)
I have heard of Cichlid fish but know very little about them I'm afraid. My favourite module for my course was a Marine Biology one which involved two weeks on the Isle of Cumbrae in Scotland (perfect for me as I was living in London at the time). It was fascinating and I got to study Hermit Crabs which I loved.
I also did a neurology module (zoology is such a broad topic that I got to 'dip in to' a wide range of things) which involved slicing into a human brain with a bread knife - I know! This was over 30 years ago I doubt it would be allowed now!
Nowadays I am interested in equal measure in medicine, environmental science and conservation and of course animals in general. I've never really been a numbers person, preferring to 'connect' with and understand the natural world.