Put bluntly im struggling to cope. I am told its ok not to work but cant get past the guilt. People say its ok and to chill but i feel like ive wasted my life. My family say they love me and to be happy but i cant seem to accept not having lives the obligations of adulthood. Anyone here not work but is supported or partner to someone with asd who doesnt...how is it
Your wife obviously cares about you and she wouldn’t be with you if she didn’t value you as a person. Her attitude and the fact that she is still with you shows that she accepts you as you are.
You’re NOT ‘the benefit person’ - you are so much more than that. Don’t allow that to define you. You are a loving husband (I presume!) - that’s I’m sure what matters to your wife most.
I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel that way Jay. No one should be judged in that way. You have value as a person whether you have a job or not.
if it’s any comfort lots of people with successful careers are completely AWFUL people (look at the Prime Minister!). Many ‘high flyers’ are stressed and unhappy.
my view is that you can do worthwhile things without having a paid job. Eg you can learn to cook great meals, or read good books and learn so many things, or learn to draw and paint, or get really fit by exercising a lot. These are all things that we can feel good about. They are achievements in the same way a job is. Just being a good, kind person is also something to be really proud of.
I agree Dawn. A job - in the conventional sense of the word - is construct of society. We are encouraged to feel guilty about not having paid work because the establishment want us to feel bad about it! Because a capitalist society needs people to go to work to keep the whole machine working. Which is fair enough on one level (capitalism works for some people better than others - but that’s not my point) - but these are only constructs. For example you Dawn have been raising your children - that is ‘work’ that’s as valid as any job (more so probably).
we all contribute to society in different ways. A person might have mental health issues and not be able to work - but they are still contributing to society by focusing on their health and trying to get well again - because society benefits overall from people being happy and well - and not ill.
Also your family and friends benefit from you taking care of your mental health and well being.
NO GUILT IS REQUIRED IN THIS SCENARIO! You have a right to prioritise your health!
‘Health is wealth’ as they say!
That is the fight....its like i dont want to love myself.
I agree with what you’ve written here Billy. It’s not helpful to measure ourselves against the lives and achievements of people who are not autistic. You’ve done the best you can - it’s not easy and you shouldn’t feel guilty. Blaming yourself will only made you feel worse and is worse also for the people around you - your family for example. It’s counter productive to blame yourself and feel guilty. Instead feel good about the things that you HAVE achieved - however small. Sometimes even just getting dressed is an achievement for someone who is struggling with their mental health. Be kind to yourself, that will help build your confidence which will help you to achieve more of the things you want to - even if they are just small, personal goals.
Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, love the person you are x
Its frightening cause i feel so under equipped to cope even if i do more it will still be not enough
I can really relate. I used to have so called friends constantly criticise me for not working, making me feel lazy and saying that their hard earned money was going on "people like me" who were on benefits. It was very hurtful
Your not lazy at all. I think we avoid work and try to do the minimal, not because we're lazy but because it is so overwhelming for us. Doing a little bit for us is more draining than doing loads for normal people
I feel like there is nothing in me at all but this...how to even begin to explain to anyone how youve avoided for 20 years...it feels like the worst feeling in the world.
I hate being seen as the benefit person...if i could i would happily never work but it feels wrong to place my life on others whodont get that choice. Wife is only upset because of how im breaking myself to pieces over this...i see her as nieve but she says its ok
Yes, Feeling guilty is okay. But not working for a while is the possible route sometimes to get to the situation where you may be able to access employment again.
I am in the same situation where people are telling me that it is perfectly acceptable for me to never work again and I also have different people telling me the complete opposite and the guilt, frustration and anxiety sometimes just overwhelms me.
It's okay to take a break, everybody has episodes in life where they re evaluate their life. It's not just you that are having these struggles. The thing about being disabled is that it's okay not to take the first poorly operated workplace that comes along, trust me I've have been damaged several times because of the mentality of "work is work" that most people peddle.
I am going to put this bluntly, If your partners is still with you their something their, You may not work but you contribute to your relationship in others weather it be cooking, cleaning, providing emotional support and comfort. If you anxious about your relationship talk to your significant other openly on honestly.
If your not ready for work, but you want move toward your goals just make small changes. go for a walk every morning or join a club. it those who connect with other who's dreams will grow. you may make a friend who can advise you in the right direction or open an opptunity. You could even volunteer at something you enjoy doing or explore what you enjoy doing.
the school years is ending. it might be worth seeing if their is any adult courses at the local college. I am taking my GCSE's and they offer other things like oriental cooking classes.
I feel like i dont want to...but also i cant fathom coping with it...so i feel like a fraud loving off others with no built in survival instinct like others
You feel like you have to be a normal person In order to have a job is that what you mean?
So its like fitting fhe world to y narrative and block it all out
Your not the kind of person to back down , you sound resilient
You also do want to work but you can't?
It feels like ive always saught a way out of life...responsibility. or like i thought it was ok to not work and just live. But as time went on and noticing cost of thinngs my mind began to panic...and ive paniced all my life...never taking anything on and hoping it was ok. Now i feel like someone who has chosen to win at doing little like some cruel joke
I don't quite understand please could you explain?
So you almost feel like you have to fit in with the world to have a job and work ?
Are you on the autistic spectrum if you don't mind me asking?
