Guilt and work

Put bluntly im struggling to cope. I am told its ok not to work but cant get past the guilt. People say its ok and to chill but i feel like ive wasted my life. My family say they love me and to be happy but i cant seem to accept not having lives the obligations of adulthood. Anyone here not work but is supported or partner to someone with asd who is it

  • I am in a similar situation to you. I have been in and out of work for most of my life and, realisitically, I am not fit to work. I have put myself and my ASD through hell over the years trying to keep working. Over Christmas I had a full breakdwon and decided to give up work completely and sign on for PIP and a UC work capibility assessment. Trouble is I need to be active and I got so bored and depressed at home I went back to work and now the whole cycle has started again and I cant cope. 

    I honestly dont know what to do and I think its natural for you to feel guilt about not working. I can certainly understand the wasting your life feeling. I look at other people my age who have travelled and seen the world and achieved things in their career etc and I feel the same. I think it is important not to measure ourselves against other people though because they are not like us. They dont measure themselves against ASD people after all. We are measuring ourselves against the wrong people

    You have not wasted your life. You have done the best you can for you and you should not feel guilty. Little things for normal people are huge mountains for us. It has actually taken more strength and courage for you to do what you have done in life than it does for "normal" people to earn loads of money and run companies etc 

    Hold your head up high, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about 

  • I am in the exactly same situation.  Not worked for the last 10 years but have been raising my two youngest.  The guilt has eaten me up that much that i think it has contributed to one of the reasons i spilt from my partner this year!!! I am now a single parent, living of benefits but slowly looking into doing some volunteer work.  I would LOVE to go back to work and the thought of it scares me to death but i am going to give it one last try.  If it affects my health then i am going to give up and have to accept i cannot work in a main stream job.  

    I had my first job when i was 17 - that lasted 3 months.  I then had my first child, went to college and got my next job, which lasted 4 years and was probably one of my best jobs but in this i felt i was an imposter and somehow managed to hold it down, pretending i knew what i was doing!!! i eventually left because of my mental health but being honest i left because the lady i was working with was reducing her hours and i had the chanced to go full time.  the thought of this freaked me out (i always went to her when i was struggling with work)  so the thought of more responsibility freaked me out and i left!!!

    the next 4 years i had 3 more jobs, each one getting worse and draining me but all of this pre diagnosis of Autism

    I got my diagnosis last year and i am still having to deal with my mental health

    sorry if i have gone off track but please think of yourself and if working is not an option then fight the guilt.  We have not asked for this, it does not matter what others think.  We do grow in a society where it is frowned upon to not be working but work is not the be all or end all.  One of my therapists asked me to challenge this thought as even they said work is not everything.

    Go with what your gut says and try and be kind on yourself.  Only YOU know what your limits are and if working affects your health then do something else.  we only get one life 

    IT is OK not to work, try and ignore the thoughts you think others have about you - take it from me the guilt will eat you up!!!

  • It goes somewhat deeper for me. I came out of school 14 and did a bit of college. Did a couple of cleaning jobs that lasted weeks and a volunteet it thing for a bit. Ive never reaĺly had that work ethic or understood how important it was to grow. I spent my time on computer always frightened..i remember having 80p one week and had just noodles. It was like something didnt click. Fast forward and i am married with a child...ive never worked for them and wife did alot more than i although i was always loving to them. Now my wife is working my life is falling apart. Im struggling with routine and basics constanly anxious and feel its gone horrificly wrong and i was entitled or lazy. I do some chores and cook some meals dor little one but i also feel im not thinking at all loke other ambition..wanting to do minimal...because it feels ive been a child and never grew up.  The idea of work is beyond terrifing because i struggle woth even basic interaction. Its all leftt me feeling like an unfit father and at the very least like i am so screwed up i cant fulfil even the basicc adult things like bills etc. Im looked after and im 40 put another way its loke im lazy or have no autonomy

  • From my personal experience I have been through some tough times with finding a job as an autistic person. It does lead to some level of embarrassment and fear and anxiety/guilt all these negative feelings which I have felt. Sadly you might just have to accept and let go I know it's hard but you can only try. It's really unpleasant feeling and reading this It feels like most people can understand me and sense the pain or deep feeling. 

    I have at times had people constantly repeating themselves saying to me "get a job" or just I feel like at times going round in circles which is really hard. What helps me to stop these awful feelings is having a good friend to speak to and integrate with that will help your situation in most levels.

    Has anyone has this experience before but have you gone through some level of arrogance with other people acting like their better than you because they are working and that they have a job. It's a really hard feeling to deal with this and dampens your self esteem only if you allow it to happen.

    I can only apologise about what your going through, it totally feels real and normal but also horrible one of the worst things I have been called weird in the past and constantly patronised about now having a job. It leaved me feeling sad and paranoid and every night my head when it hits that pillow I can't fall asleep I am thinking why can't I do this normal one thing?

    hope this helps and if anyone can relate please reply.

  • Its the not wanting that why should i get away with it. It feels like im fighting the world to have it my way...its made me feel i cant be me anymore in case someone says im fine

  • Are you on the autistic spectrum if you don't mind me asking?

  • So you almost feel like you have to fit in with the world to have a job and work ?

  • I don't quite understand please could you explain?

  • It feels like ive always saught a way out of life...responsibility. or like i thought it was ok to not work and just live. But as time went on and noticing cost of thinngs my mind began to panic...and ive paniced all my life...never taking anything on and hoping it was ok. Now i feel like someone who has chosen to win at doing little like some cruel joke

  • Your not the kind of person to back down , you sound resilient

    You also do want to work but you can't?