Guilt and work

Put bluntly im struggling to cope. I am told its ok not to work but cant get past the guilt. People say its ok and to chill but i feel like ive wasted my life. My family say they love me and to be happy but i cant seem to accept not having lives the obligations of adulthood. Anyone here not work but is supported or partner to someone with asd who doesnt...how is it

Parents
  • I am in the exactly same situation.  Not worked for the last 10 years but have been raising my two youngest.  The guilt has eaten me up that much that i think it has contributed to one of the reasons i spilt from my partner this year!!! I am now a single parent, living of benefits but slowly looking into doing some volunteer work.  I would LOVE to go back to work and the thought of it scares me to death but i am going to give it one last try.  If it affects my health then i am going to give up and have to accept i cannot work in a main stream job.  

    I had my first job when i was 17 - that lasted 3 months.  I then had my first child, went to college and got my next job, which lasted 4 years and was probably one of my best jobs but in this i felt i was an imposter and somehow managed to hold it down, pretending i knew what i was doing!!! i eventually left because of my mental health but being honest i left because the lady i was working with was reducing her hours and i had the chanced to go full time.  the thought of this freaked me out (i always went to her when i was struggling with work)  so the thought of more responsibility freaked me out and i left!!!

    the next 4 years i had 3 more jobs, each one getting worse and draining me but all of this pre diagnosis of Autism

    I got my diagnosis last year and i am still having to deal with my mental health

    sorry if i have gone off track but please think of yourself and if working is not an option then fight the guilt.  We have not asked for this, it does not matter what others think.  We do grow in a society where it is frowned upon to not be working but work is not the be all or end all.  One of my therapists asked me to challenge this thought as even they said work is not everything.

    Go with what your gut says and try and be kind on yourself.  Only YOU know what your limits are and if working affects your health then do something else.  we only get one life 

    IT is OK not to work, try and ignore the thoughts you think others have about you - take it from me the guilt will eat you up!!!

Reply
  • I am in the exactly same situation.  Not worked for the last 10 years but have been raising my two youngest.  The guilt has eaten me up that much that i think it has contributed to one of the reasons i spilt from my partner this year!!! I am now a single parent, living of benefits but slowly looking into doing some volunteer work.  I would LOVE to go back to work and the thought of it scares me to death but i am going to give it one last try.  If it affects my health then i am going to give up and have to accept i cannot work in a main stream job.  

    I had my first job when i was 17 - that lasted 3 months.  I then had my first child, went to college and got my next job, which lasted 4 years and was probably one of my best jobs but in this i felt i was an imposter and somehow managed to hold it down, pretending i knew what i was doing!!! i eventually left because of my mental health but being honest i left because the lady i was working with was reducing her hours and i had the chanced to go full time.  the thought of this freaked me out (i always went to her when i was struggling with work)  so the thought of more responsibility freaked me out and i left!!!

    the next 4 years i had 3 more jobs, each one getting worse and draining me but all of this pre diagnosis of Autism

    I got my diagnosis last year and i am still having to deal with my mental health

    sorry if i have gone off track but please think of yourself and if working is not an option then fight the guilt.  We have not asked for this, it does not matter what others think.  We do grow in a society where it is frowned upon to not be working but work is not the be all or end all.  One of my therapists asked me to challenge this thought as even they said work is not everything.

    Go with what your gut says and try and be kind on yourself.  Only YOU know what your limits are and if working affects your health then do something else.  we only get one life 

    IT is OK not to work, try and ignore the thoughts you think others have about you - take it from me the guilt will eat you up!!!

Children
  • You have society recognised reason for not working, your raising minions.

  • I agree Dawn. A job - in the conventional sense of the word - is construct of society. We are encouraged to feel guilty about not having paid work because the establishment want us to feel bad about it! Because a capitalist society needs people to go to work to keep the whole machine working. Which is fair enough on one level (capitalism works for some people better than others - but that’s not my point)  - but these are only constructs. For example you Dawn have been raising your children - that is ‘work’ that’s as valid as any job (more so probably). 

    we all contribute to society in different ways. A person might have mental health issues and not be able to work - but they are still contributing to society by focusing on their health and trying to get well again - because society benefits overall from people being happy and well - and not ill. 
    Also your family and friends benefit from you taking care of your mental health and well being. 

    NO GUILT IS REQUIRED IN THIS SCENARIO! You have a right to prioritise your health! 
    ‘Health is wealth’ as they say! 

  • That is so true! Also I really get what you mean about feeling like an imposter and pretending you know what your doing. I feel like that in every job I have!

  • It goes somewhat deeper for me. I came out of school 14 and did a bit of college. Did a couple of cleaning jobs that lasted weeks and a volunteet it thing for a bit. Ive never reaĺly had that work ethic or understood how important it was to grow. I spent my time on computer always frightened..i remember having 80p one week and had just noodles. It was like something didnt click. Fast forward and i am married with a child...ive never worked for them and wife did alot more than i although i was always loving to them. Now my wife is working my life is falling apart. Im struggling with routine and basics constanly anxious and feel its gone horrificly wrong and i was entitled or lazy. I do some chores and cook some meals dor little one but i also feel im not thinking at all loke other people...no ambition..wanting to do minimal...because it feels ive been a child and never grew up.  The idea of work is beyond terrifing because i struggle woth even basic interaction. Its all leftt me feeling like an unfit father and at the very least like i am so screwed up i cant fulfil even the basicc adult things like bills etc. Im looked after and im 40 put another way its loke im lazy or have no autonomy