Don't know how to deal with depression and suicidal ideation

I just don't get it personally. I know people tend to anthropomorphise, ascribe personality and identity to the inanimate, cars, paintings, toys etc. I've always suspected pet lovers were just taking this a step further. Ascribing human characteristics to creatures that don't have them. Seeing a capacity for pleasure and pain they extrapolate to love and heartbreak when with animals its often more basic than that I think. But that's just what I think. Anyway real fur doesn't do much for me sensation wise. I prefer skin.

For some of us, looking after, or even just interacting with some small furry creature is an antidote for depression. When you actually come to realise that they are not just glorified furbies, but they actually do have a sense of self, and actually have  feelings & emotional desires as well as physical needs, it becomes quite the rewarding hobby.

Many Autists cannot deal very well with the sophistication or dissembling that usually attends human relationships, so an animal being simpler, (and in my experience much more honest), fills a need to have some area in life where one is not out of one's depth or waiitng for the other shoe to fall, all the time. 

It's nice to be "valued", and in the case of a cat, when they do come to value & respect you, it's because they have chosen to. But equally, it's also because you have managed to access something genuinely pure and goood in yourself, a wish to "care" simply because you can, and it makes you feel a bit more alive in a good way.

If you will excuse the pun, that's just the tip of the iceberg as far as my experience goes, but it's an explanation of why chasinig some critter and cleaning up it's poop can be worth doing. Personally, I started out way more selfish than I am nowadays as regards these things, and chose a cat, because mostly that matter takes care of itself, unless they are ill or have "territory issues". The hobby part of it all is trying to bridge the gap between their world view and ours.

And to be frank it's a stepping stone to being able to understand the "normie mind" which is also far simpler and driven by weird directives, compared to ours. I've come to believe that we Autists are not "defective", but actually represent the future direction of humanity, if it wants to survive. 

But mostly I just like the warm feelings that one feels when your cat is sitting on or near you, just grokking together... 

( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grok )

I don't get this obsession so many other autistic people have with small furry things. Having gone through depression myself I'm pretty sure having to chase after a critter to clean up its poop would not have made me feel better.

Cats are marvellous, I don't have one of my own but I always say hello to them in the street. The local ones all know me now haha.

The real takeaway is that for the lonely spergs, there are cats, and they all offer a huge education as welll as pleasure to us spergs in particular. All you need to do is feed, platy, watch, and listen... Once you know a bit of their symbolic language, they'll all communicate with you, you when the mood takes them of course,

I Sperg, I understand grief, and as much as is humanly possible I empathise with how you are feeling. I'm sorry to hear that your cherished pet has passed away. If we felt no grief or pain at these times, then we would be the worst kind of monsters—or worse, Liberal Democrats. Stick around. The show is not over until the final curtain call. It feels like Hell sometimes here on Earth, but it's actually Heaven comparative compared to the dark realm where those who self-murder find themselves in. 

I've got big lumps of all of the above right now. It ain't my first rodeo.

Inactivity, sleep, and avoiding people is how I get through it, with brief moments of attempting useful tasks, which I bin as soon as I start getting pissed off with my lack of success, rather than futile attempts to "push on through".

At such times I also derive a lot of comfort from the simple and usually 100% sucessfull interactions with my cat. I may not be able to improve my day  but I sure can make his little day better, with an unexpected treat or play, or a "line of catnip". Having the certain knowledge that the endeavour will be sucessful before I attempt it, is very therapeutic. Makes me feel like I have some control or value in the world.

Does not work however, if your depression is caused by the unexpected thrombosis taking your lovely cat away from you, and it does not help alleviate the anxiety when it happens two days before you start your new contract.. 

I'm utterly, utterly "cabbaged" now. I can't think straight, I'm struggling to maintain my relationships, can't be bothered to touch the sticks that keep the plates in the air and wondering what the hell I'll do next when I feel like doing anything. 

What I DO know, is that I am two for two on witnessing botched "cat euthanasia" done by the professionals, and very tempted to demonstrate first hand to the world how it should be done. I do know how to leave this world exactly without any discomfort or fear whatsoever, and at the very least I think it's a method that should be available to our animals at their last moments rather than propofol which both my cats "told me" is a very discomforting way to go...

Of course, my chosen name (and eventually there will be an icon) far from being some crypto nazi reference as was suggested by a less kind member of our community a short while ago, is in fact a simple representation of what I keep finding out. "Things are often bigger under the surface than you can see"

That applies to the possibilty of an afterlife existence too, which due to pesky science and mathematics has an extra eight inaccesible to us dimensions to be hiding in. It's a real problem with suicide, your life could indeed actually exist MOSTLY in those eight or so inaccesible dimensions, what we think of as "life" may indeed be the only bit we can see, just like my iceberg! My thinking is: "If I've had my *** kicked here, and fled this existence, then suicide could well be a out of the fat and into the fire situation!", rather than the desired end to suffering people hope for. It really could work that way! 

So whilst I may be defeated and miserable now, the alternative (knowing my luck) will be even worse! Therefore, all I can sensibly do is wait for this latest agony and despair to pass, sleep or work it off as much as possible, and try to concentrate less on what I lost last sunday morning, and more on the wonderful memories we made together. 

You are quite right. All suffering stems from the mind—the chaos that arises when we attach to thoughts. Mindfulness (the ability to live in the present moment by gently pulling our attention away from thought) is the only natural method of ending our suffering. 

The chances of arriving here as human are very rare compared to the chances of arriving as all the other forms of life on earth.

It has been described in this way: Imagine a wooden cattle-yoke floating on the waves of the sea, tossed this way and that by the winds and currents. What is the likelihood of a blind turtle, rising from the depths of the ocean to the surface, only once every hundred years, and putting its head through the hole in the yoke?

That is how unique being born human is. It really is a chance in a billion we are given. So, if we take another human life, or our own, you can imagine the consequences we will face as a result.

Dropping out of Earth School will only mean us having to retake the course, but in a much worse school. Best to stay alive, complete the curriculum here, graduate with full honours and move on to better things.  

Well, it's good you are back

Yeah, I get low sometimes, but I haven't been down in the depths for a long time. Sometimes it's about doing even the smallest of things and seeing that as a positive.

Even when I feel zero motivation, and feel empty, I view just getting out of bed as a positive. If the sun is shining, even better. If that's all I get out of the day, it's still a plus.

One thing I didn't mention the other day though, in spite of things feeling hopeless at times, the fact that you reached out says that you know there is hope.

Thank you. I have actually been doing a lot of research on what happens after death, but it's something we can never know or prove. There could be nothing when you die (which is fine by me), or some kind of after life or return to infinite awareness / god. I don't have any answers but I did spend a long time reading absolutely everything on it in the last few days.

This has led me to do a lot more reading on Advaita Vedanta and related philosophies in Hinduism, Buddhism and Taoism and I have found it helps to just stop thinking altogether. No internal monologue, no rumination, no thinking about the past or the future, just experiencing the present moment without ego. Just exist as awareness, without judgement.

I think religion is a cope and don't know what is true, but the mindfulness angle at least helps. It's difficult not to hate myself and judge myself on past failures and worry about the future. The best thing for me is to not think.

Thanks. I know exercise is good and normally boosts my mood a little bit, but it's difficult to get the motivation when I am feeling very low. Everything feels like it takes a lot of effort and I have no energy and it all feels pointless as well. Exercise in nature is the best of all. It is difficult to get motivated but I know I will feel better when I am in the woods or countryside so I will try to get out for some walks.

Thank you. I don't even want to try the GP again because previous rejections I have found make things worse. I just feel unwanted and like nobody cares.

I have been thinking of going to some meet up groups. I found some where I live for social anxiety and one for depressed men. I don't know what that might be like but I think at least there will be no judgement. I could even sit there and say nothing. I think it's a bad idea to stay isolated, even if I have trouble socialising, opening up to people should be beneficial. I can't be helped if I sit by myself crying.

Music does help actually. The temptation is to wallow in it and listen to something like Johnny Cash, but I should do what you say and make a playlist for times I'm feeling low which transitions into more positive music.

I can relate to most of this, as for loneliness, I get misunderstood by people, whether on the spectrum or not and struggle to fit into either, but mostly those not spectrum mainly due to certain disadvantageous overlapping traits. I get frustrated and frequently do consider suicide and have some sort of plan of doing it. Other than the suicide prevention tips that others I've not got much else to add on that front. I'm in work and have the same things you have, I like my job but the social aspects always ruin it, and particularly when going for drinks I can't keep up, get excluded or don't have much in common with others to add input. There is access to work, which gives funding for some 1 to 1 help, not sure how effective this is but you can apply but it would mean you would have to tell someone about your diagnosis, as I understand. 

In terms of enjoyment, I don't enjoy things certainly not as much as I used to like my interests but I don't have anyone who shares or willing to share those interests. However, every time I go home I usually make it a point to watch at least one episode of my favourite documentary Air Crash Investigation. I have also picked up interests such as doing quick distractions such as memorising countries of the world and their position or doing wordsearches. I like watching tv shows but they are usually short-term distractions. I also like reading DC comics or watching their shows. I like listening to music, particularly a certain type of instrumental music, which doesn't really have a genre or subgenre. These are mostly short hand distractions that I guess have helped me shorthand but it is individual and these may not help. I always try and go anonymous on facebook groups or interest based forums, although it is worth treading carefully with some of these groups. Most of my interests are stuff that can I do myself, although you could share it with an interest based forum. These tips may not be but are designed to be some examples of  short to potentially medium-term distractions that I have found useful as for long-term I am still trying to find an effective way long-term, if there is such. Hopefully this helps

As for potential contacts you could try: Scope, Autism Plus and NAS (I don't represent any of these organisations just some that I have come across).

Hi Untoward - I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

 If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Like some others have suggest here, try calling your GP again and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service:   http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx  

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.    

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. 

Also, you can find more information on our website: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

Hope that is somewhat helpful, I know the others in this community will be very supportive so feel confident that you can always post here for some help/advice and friendship!

All the best,

SarahMod

Hi Untoward

I don't know if I have useful advice, but at the very least I wanted to add another supportive voice in the hope it contributes perhaps to an easing of the loneliness, but I know voices on a community forum can't replace other kinds of support.

Please persist with whatever avenues you are trying- you never know when the NHS or your GP might pull through, but I am sorry that chasing these rests so firmly on you. Many of your symptoms and feelings are familiar to me; I know of the loneliness and the despair, and particularly the self-hate. I often also ended up totally numb. I don't get them so much any more (it CAN get better, believe me) and a major factor in that was just in taking steps (any steps) towards change, no matter how small. Phoning the GP again (even if it's to try again to convince them), or chasing the NHS, searching for resources online, or even coming to spaces like this one, all still steps that try to help yourself. Crucially though, I used to try and remember what things depression told me I disliked about myself, and tried to take steps to change those (it is far easier said than done of course), but even the smallest step towards fulfilling your own needs (your OWN needs, not trying to be what society expects of you) can help. Never has to be anything big- consistent small steps are sometimes better.

I could list some things that helped me short term, but I feel like they are things we all try and all know, when we find ourselves in these places .. like listening to the right kind of music. I used to try and arrange playlists that started with songs that echoed my depression, reinforced it, allowed me to embrace and wallow in it to understand it, but then the songs that followed might transition out of it slowly, into something with a little hope, slowly getting more and more so (though rarely going as far as to become totally uplifting). It didn't work every time of course.

Hello, Untoward.  I wish I could help you to feel better. I have no idea what it feels like to feel so alone, lost, frightened, confused that I feel there is no other way out but to kill myself.  All I would say is that if you cannot find a reason to carry on living, make sure you haven't missed anything.  Look again and be absolutely certain. Also, do some research, and make sure you're not going to an even worse place—because suicide is final, and if you succeed in taking your life, there are no second chances, no coming back.

for the sake of clarity how do you define Psychotherapy? Because the NHS seems to define all forms of talking therapy as ‘Psychotherapy’ including, for example, cbt.

I’ve tried a lot of different therapies over the years, but I find the only one that really works is Psychotherapy. I was lucky to find a really good one. I wasn’t diagnosed when I first started seeing her, but still found it effective. I would think that most good therapist can work with ASD. I find it’s more about the overall relatability of the person than anything else.

Good luck.

It sucks doesn't it, nobody understands. A lot of the advice I get given is things that might work for a neurotypical person but would make things worse for me. It's very difficult to deal with things all by yourself without support. The mental health support in the UK is already buckling under extreme pressure. It has never really been properly funded or dealt with by the NHS.

I don't have anything to suggest but I feel like this too and I feel very alone because I feel like no one gets it. Also when I reach out, I feel like I'm burdening people. I agree that the charities may not be helpful in our situations, I hate phone calls so calling someone when I'm distressed would probably make things worse.

My GP kind of brushed off my problems and when I went to other services I just feel like they don't really understand either. Like you said a lot of these professionals aren't familiar with autism and that can be hard.

Hopefully someone else will have a good solution or guidance :(