Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not the first time I have been depressed. It's like a recurring undercurrent throughout my life. I was depressed for most of my 20s and I had a failed suicide attempt 15 years ago. Last year I was going to kill myself. I chose a foolproof method that couldn't fail and set a date and I arranged to meet with a solicitor to write a will, but it all got disrupted by the sudden lockdowns.
I was on a waiting list with the NHS for counselling, but they phoned me up and told me they couldn't see me any more because they didn't have enough staff, and that if I wanted to kill myself I should call the Samaritans.
I have called Samaritans and other charities a few times and although it's great that these volunteers try to help people, I don't feel like they understand me and I don't like being on the phone. I have emailed them as well but just receive what is mostly a stock response where they tell me to call them.
I don't know what to do any more. I get no enjoyment out of doing things and I don't see the point of anything. It all seems bleak and hopeless and I despair all the time. I have nothing to look forward to. Mainly I hate myself. I have no friends and I am so alone. I feel so empty all the time. I don't even bother eating any more. I don't do anything except sit by myself and wait until I can go to sleep. And sometimes I cry. There is no support available to me.
I have been thinking a lot about quitting my job. I tried going into the office again so that I have some human contact, but I hated it. It was so over-stimulating and I hate being outside in the city centre as well. The smells and sounds and brightness of it stresses me out. I tried going for drinks with my colleagues, but I feel so alone in a room full of people. I feel like they all get along and vibe off each other and I am this weird alien that doesn't belong there, and they don't care whether I am there or not.
I think I need real help from a qualified therapist, preferably one familiar with autism, but I don't know how. I'm still on a very long waiting list for the autism, probably won't get seen until next year, and I don't expect anything to come from it anyway. It seems like there is nothing available to me. I have contacted the doctor so many times. They won't see me face-to-face and the only way to contact them is via a text-based web service where they respond with half a sentence after which I can't reply. There is nothing available to me on the NHS anyway. The waiting lists are all over a year, and I was previously on one and they cancelled it. I don't want to talk to someone on the phone because I find it really difficult.
What can I do?
I don't have anything to suggest but I feel like this too and I feel very alone because I feel like no one gets it. Also when I reach out, I feel like I'm burdening people. I agree that the charities may not be helpful in our situations, I hate phone calls so calling someone when I'm distressed would probably make things worse.
My GP kind of brushed off my problems and when I went to other services I just feel like they don't really understand either. Like you said a lot of these professionals aren't familiar with autism and that can be hard.
Hopefully someone else will have a good solution or guidance :(
It sucks doesn't it, nobody understands. A lot of the advice I get given is things that might work for a neurotypical person but would make things worse for me. It's very difficult to deal with things all by yourself without support. The mental health support in the UK is already buckling under extreme pressure. It has never really been properly funded or dealt with by the NHS.