Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not the first time I have been depressed. It's like a recurring undercurrent throughout my life. I was depressed for most of my 20s and I had a failed suicide attempt 15 years ago. Last year I was going to kill myself. I chose a foolproof method that couldn't fail and set a date and I arranged to meet with a solicitor to write a will, but it all got disrupted by the sudden lockdowns.
I was on a waiting list with the NHS for counselling, but they phoned me up and told me they couldn't see me any more because they didn't have enough staff, and that if I wanted to kill myself I should call the Samaritans.
I have called Samaritans and other charities a few times and although it's great that these volunteers try to help people, I don't feel like they understand me and I don't like being on the phone. I have emailed them as well but just receive what is mostly a stock response where they tell me to call them.
I don't know what to do any more. I get no enjoyment out of doing things and I don't see the point of anything. It all seems bleak and hopeless and I despair all the time. I have nothing to look forward to. Mainly I hate myself. I have no friends and I am so alone. I feel so empty all the time. I don't even bother eating any more. I don't do anything except sit by myself and wait until I can go to sleep. And sometimes I cry. There is no support available to me.
I have been thinking a lot about quitting my job. I tried going into the office again so that I have some human contact, but I hated it. It was so over-stimulating and I hate being outside in the city centre as well. The smells and sounds and brightness of it stresses me out. I tried going for drinks with my colleagues, but I feel so alone in a room full of people. I feel like they all get along and vibe off each other and I am this weird alien that doesn't belong there, and they don't care whether I am there or not.
I think I need real help from a qualified therapist, preferably one familiar with autism, but I don't know how. I'm still on a very long waiting list for the autism, probably won't get seen until next year, and I don't expect anything to come from it anyway. It seems like there is nothing available to me. I have contacted the doctor so many times. They won't see me face-to-face and the only way to contact them is via a text-based web service where they respond with half a sentence after which I can't reply. There is nothing available to me on the NHS anyway. The waiting lists are all over a year, and I was previously on one and they cancelled it. I don't want to talk to someone on the phone because I find it really difficult.
What can I do?
Hi Untoward
I don't know if I have useful advice, but at the very least I wanted to add another supportive voice in the hope it contributes perhaps to an easing of the loneliness, but I know voices on a community forum can't replace other kinds of support.
Please persist with whatever avenues you are trying- you never know when the NHS or your GP might pull through, but I am sorry that chasing these rests so firmly on you. Many of your symptoms and feelings are familiar to me; I know of the loneliness and the despair, and particularly the self-hate. I often also ended up totally numb. I don't get them so much any more (it CAN get better, believe me) and a major factor in that was just in taking steps (any steps) towards change, no matter how small. Phoning the GP again (even if it's to try again to convince them), or chasing the NHS, searching for resources online, or even coming to spaces like this one, all still steps that try to help yourself. Crucially though, I used to try and remember what things depression told me I disliked about myself, and tried to take steps to change those (it is far easier said than done of course), but even the smallest step towards fulfilling your own needs (your OWN needs, not trying to be what society expects of you) can help. Never has to be anything big- consistent small steps are sometimes better.
I could list some things that helped me short term, but I feel like they are things we all try and all know, when we find ourselves in these places .. like listening to the right kind of music. I used to try and arrange playlists that started with songs that echoed my depression, reinforced it, allowed me to embrace and wallow in it to understand it, but then the songs that followed might transition out of it slowly, into something with a little hope, slowly getting more and more so (though rarely going as far as to become totally uplifting). It didn't work every time of course.
Thank you. I don't even want to try the GP again because previous rejections I have found make things worse. I just feel unwanted and like nobody cares.
I have been thinking of going to some meet up groups. I found some where I live for social anxiety and one for depressed men. I don't know what that might be like but I think at least there will be no judgement. I could even sit there and say nothing. I think it's a bad idea to stay isolated, even if I have trouble socialising, opening up to people should be beneficial. I can't be helped if I sit by myself crying.
Music does help actually. The temptation is to wallow in it and listen to something like Johnny Cash, but I should do what you say and make a playlist for times I'm feeling low which transitions into more positive music.