Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not the first time I have been depressed. It's like a recurring undercurrent throughout my life. I was depressed for most of my 20s and I had a failed suicide attempt 15 years ago. Last year I was going to kill myself. I chose a foolproof method that couldn't fail and set a date and I arranged to meet with a solicitor to write a will, but it all got disrupted by the sudden lockdowns.
I was on a waiting list with the NHS for counselling, but they phoned me up and told me they couldn't see me any more because they didn't have enough staff, and that if I wanted to kill myself I should call the Samaritans.
I have called Samaritans and other charities a few times and although it's great that these volunteers try to help people, I don't feel like they understand me and I don't like being on the phone. I have emailed them as well but just receive what is mostly a stock response where they tell me to call them.
I don't know what to do any more. I get no enjoyment out of doing things and I don't see the point of anything. It all seems bleak and hopeless and I despair all the time. I have nothing to look forward to. Mainly I hate myself. I have no friends and I am so alone. I feel so empty all the time. I don't even bother eating any more. I don't do anything except sit by myself and wait until I can go to sleep. And sometimes I cry. There is no support available to me.
I have been thinking a lot about quitting my job. I tried going into the office again so that I have some human contact, but I hated it. It was so over-stimulating and I hate being outside in the city centre as well. The smells and sounds and brightness of it stresses me out. I tried going for drinks with my colleagues, but I feel so alone in a room full of people. I feel like they all get along and vibe off each other and I am this weird alien that doesn't belong there, and they don't care whether I am there or not.
I think I need real help from a qualified therapist, preferably one familiar with autism, but I don't know how. I'm still on a very long waiting list for the autism, probably won't get seen until next year, and I don't expect anything to come from it anyway. It seems like there is nothing available to me. I have contacted the doctor so many times. They won't see me face-to-face and the only way to contact them is via a text-based web service where they respond with half a sentence after which I can't reply. There is nothing available to me on the NHS anyway. The waiting lists are all over a year, and I was previously on one and they cancelled it. I don't want to talk to someone on the phone because I find it really difficult.
What can I do?
Hello, Untoward. I wish I could help you to feel better. I have no idea what it feels like to feel so alone, lost, frightened, confused that I feel there is no other way out but to kill myself. All I would say is that if you cannot find a reason to carry on living, make sure you haven't missed anything. Look again and be absolutely certain. Also, do some research, and make sure you're not going to an even worse place—because suicide is final, and if you succeed in taking your life, there are no second chances, no coming back.
Thank you. I have actually been doing a lot of research on what happens after death, but it's something we can never know or prove. There could be nothing when you die (which is fine by me), or some kind of after life or return to infinite awareness / god. I don't have any answers but I did spend a long time reading absolutely everything on it in the last few days.
This has led me to do a lot more reading on Advaita Vedanta and related philosophies in Hinduism, Buddhism and Taoism and I have found it helps to just stop thinking altogether. No internal monologue, no rumination, no thinking about the past or the future, just experiencing the present moment without ego. Just exist as awareness, without judgement.
I think religion is a cope and don't know what is true, but the mindfulness angle at least helps. It's difficult not to hate myself and judge myself on past failures and worry about the future. The best thing for me is to not think.
You are quite right. All suffering stems from the mind—the chaos that arises when we attach to thoughts. Mindfulness (the ability to live in the present moment by gently pulling our attention away from thought) is the only natural method of ending our suffering. The chances of arriving here as human are very rare compared to the chances of arriving as all the other forms of life on earth. It has been described in this way: Imagine a wooden cattle-yoke floating on the waves of the sea, tossed this way and that by the winds and currents. What is the likelihood of a blind turtle, rising from the depths of the ocean to the surface, only once every hundred years, and putting its head through the hole in the yoke?
That is how unique being born human is. It really is a chance in a billion we are given. So, if we take another human life, or our own, you can imagine the consequences we will face as a result. Dropping out of Earth School will only mean us having to retake the course, but in a much worse school. Best to stay alive, complete the curriculum here, graduate with full honours and move on to better things.