Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not the first time I have been depressed. It's like a recurring undercurrent throughout my life. I was depressed for most of my 20s and I had a failed suicide attempt 15 years ago. Last year I was going to kill myself. I chose a foolproof method that couldn't fail and set a date and I arranged to meet with a solicitor to write a will, but it all got disrupted by the sudden lockdowns.
I was on a waiting list with the NHS for counselling, but they phoned me up and told me they couldn't see me any more because they didn't have enough staff, and that if I wanted to kill myself I should call the Samaritans.
I have called Samaritans and other charities a few times and although it's great that these volunteers try to help people, I don't feel like they understand me and I don't like being on the phone. I have emailed them as well but just receive what is mostly a stock response where they tell me to call them.
I don't know what to do any more. I get no enjoyment out of doing things and I don't see the point of anything. It all seems bleak and hopeless and I despair all the time. I have nothing to look forward to. Mainly I hate myself. I have no friends and I am so alone. I feel so empty all the time. I don't even bother eating any more. I don't do anything except sit by myself and wait until I can go to sleep. And sometimes I cry. There is no support available to me.
I have been thinking a lot about quitting my job. I tried going into the office again so that I have some human contact, but I hated it. It was so over-stimulating and I hate being outside in the city centre as well. The smells and sounds and brightness of it stresses me out. I tried going for drinks with my colleagues, but I feel so alone in a room full of people. I feel like they all get along and vibe off each other and I am this weird alien that doesn't belong there, and they don't care whether I am there or not.
I think I need real help from a qualified therapist, preferably one familiar with autism, but I don't know how. I'm still on a very long waiting list for the autism, probably won't get seen until next year, and I don't expect anything to come from it anyway. It seems like there is nothing available to me. I have contacted the doctor so many times. They won't see me face-to-face and the only way to contact them is via a text-based web service where they respond with half a sentence after which I can't reply. There is nothing available to me on the NHS anyway. The waiting lists are all over a year, and I was previously on one and they cancelled it. I don't want to talk to someone on the phone because I find it really difficult.
What can I do?
Hi Untoward,
I don't have much experience of this, and a few people offered some advice on your other thread, but I'm going to give it a go anyway.
Google 'suicide prevention uk', there are quite a few resources available. Hopefully one of them will be appropriate for your needs.
As for being overwhelmed by noise/light etc:
I know motivation can be difficult to find at times, but once you get going, a little bit of exercise should be fairly easy to sustain. The main thing being the dopamine release, which is very important for feeling good etc.
Thanks. I know exercise is good and normally boosts my mood a little bit, but it's difficult to get the motivation when I am feeling very low. Everything feels like it takes a lot of effort and I have no energy and it all feels pointless as well. Exercise in nature is the best of all. It is difficult to get motivated but I know I will feel better when I am in the woods or countryside so I will try to get out for some walks.
Well, it's good you are back
Yeah, I get low sometimes, but I haven't been down in the depths for a long time. Sometimes it's about doing even the smallest of things and seeing that as a positive.
Even when I feel zero motivation, and feel empty, I view just getting out of bed as a positive. If the sun is shining, even better. If that's all I get out of the day, it's still a plus.
One thing I didn't mention the other day though, in spite of things feeling hopeless at times, the fact that you reached out says that you know there is hope.