Published on 12, July, 2020
It's not the first time I have been depressed. It's like a recurring undercurrent throughout my life. I was depressed for most of my 20s and I had a failed suicide attempt 15 years ago. Last year I was going to kill myself. I chose a foolproof method that couldn't fail and set a date and I arranged to meet with a solicitor to write a will, but it all got disrupted by the sudden lockdowns.
I was on a waiting list with the NHS for counselling, but they phoned me up and told me they couldn't see me any more because they didn't have enough staff, and that if I wanted to kill myself I should call the Samaritans.
I have called Samaritans and other charities a few times and although it's great that these volunteers try to help people, I don't feel like they understand me and I don't like being on the phone. I have emailed them as well but just receive what is mostly a stock response where they tell me to call them.
I don't know what to do any more. I get no enjoyment out of doing things and I don't see the point of anything. It all seems bleak and hopeless and I despair all the time. I have nothing to look forward to. Mainly I hate myself. I have no friends and I am so alone. I feel so empty all the time. I don't even bother eating any more. I don't do anything except sit by myself and wait until I can go to sleep. And sometimes I cry. There is no support available to me.
I have been thinking a lot about quitting my job. I tried going into the office again so that I have some human contact, but I hated it. It was so over-stimulating and I hate being outside in the city centre as well. The smells and sounds and brightness of it stresses me out. I tried going for drinks with my colleagues, but I feel so alone in a room full of people. I feel like they all get along and vibe off each other and I am this weird alien that doesn't belong there, and they don't care whether I am there or not.
I think I need real help from a qualified therapist, preferably one familiar with autism, but I don't know how. I'm still on a very long waiting list for the autism, probably won't get seen until next year, and I don't expect anything to come from it anyway. It seems like there is nothing available to me. I have contacted the doctor so many times. They won't see me face-to-face and the only way to contact them is via a text-based web service where they respond with half a sentence after which I can't reply. There is nothing available to me on the NHS anyway. The waiting lists are all over a year, and I was previously on one and they cancelled it. I don't want to talk to someone on the phone because I find it really difficult.
What can I do?
I can relate to most of this, as for loneliness, I get misunderstood by people, whether on the spectrum or not and struggle to fit into either, but mostly those not spectrum mainly due to certain disadvantageous overlapping traits. I get frustrated and frequently do consider suicide and have some sort of plan of doing it. Other than the suicide prevention tips that others I've not got much else to add on that front. I'm in work and have the same things you have, I like my job but the social aspects always ruin it, and particularly when going for drinks I can't keep up, get excluded or don't have much in common with others to add input. There is access to work, which gives funding for some 1 to 1 help, not sure how effective this is but you can apply but it would mean you would have to tell someone about your diagnosis, as I understand.
In terms of enjoyment, I don't enjoy things certainly not as much as I used to like my interests but I don't have anyone who shares or willing to share those interests. However, every time I go home I usually make it a point to watch at least one episode of my favourite documentary Air Crash Investigation. I have also picked up interests such as doing quick distractions such as memorising countries of the world and their position or doing wordsearches. I like watching tv shows but they are usually short-term distractions. I also like reading DC comics or watching their shows. I like listening to music, particularly a certain type of instrumental music, which doesn't really have a genre or subgenre. These are mostly short hand distractions that I guess have helped me shorthand but it is individual and these may not help. I always try and go anonymous on facebook groups or interest based forums, although it is worth treading carefully with some of these groups. Most of my interests are stuff that can I do myself, although you could share it with an interest based forum. These tips may not be but are designed to be some examples of short to potentially medium-term distractions that I have found useful as for long-term I am still trying to find an effective way long-term, if there is such. Hopefully this helps
As for potential contacts you could try: Scope, Autism Plus and NAS (I don't represent any of these organisations just some that I have come across).