Depression?

I’ve just talked to them (online chat) and been prescribed 50mg of setraline. I’ll pick it up tomorrow. And I’m completely freaking out. Breathe in, breathe out, I’ll be fine. 

The waiting is always hard, pleased you've contacted them. Hope they reply quickly.

Hope you hear from them soon - it's the waiting that's bad for anxiety too, isn't it. I hope that your anxiety gets better, once you have a plan to go to from here. Take care. 

I’ve just sent long message to my GP via askmyGP.

I’m waiting for the reply. Anxiety makes me hard to breathe. But that’s just anxiety so it’s ok.

That sucks. It's really the LAST thing you need on top of everything. 

I had IAPT therapies. One to one and group one and then one to one again. And again. With different person. Each time after few sessions they said “I can’t help you but maybe my colleague can”. But they couldn’t. And then they’ve gave up on me so I’ve gave up on them.

I went to IAPT, they sent me to ICS Digital Therapies. On the 4th session they told me I was very likely ASD and couldn't work with me anymore. 

Interesting poem.

I like this alot. 

Personally, I think there's 3 things to consider. I'm not a doctor, but I've had to do an immense amount of my own research and just be mindful about these: 

1. Biology.

2. Life & it's demands.

3. Perspective (psychology)

Our biology is complex. Over the years I've discovered a few things I need to take on regiment to maintain focus, alertness and a general feeling of 'well-being'. I take 1/3 - 1/2 dose of a Multi-Vitamin. A Womens hormonal balance, 1/3 dose of chlorella 3x week and 1/2 dose of a mushroom complex 3x week. I have probiotics as needed & have to watch my blood sugar level (not diabetic, but also unfortunately, GF). This cocktail took me years to find the right balance. I may have days of being frustrated about life, but wellness and holistic care toward my self makes a great deal of difference in my ability to think-through difficult moments. 

My son has been on and off anti-depressants durning the last few years of high school and during uni. They caused more harm than good and they were only useful as a tool to deal with life situations he couldn't escape. Eventually we took him off and and found 1/2 dose Multi plus a immune boosting / Vit D boosting herbal supplement (like ashwaganda) really changed things for him. A little sunlight does him a world of good. 

If you're interested (or maybe you already do this), it's sometimes good to look into serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, the neurotransmitters of depression. How they function and how to keep a healthy balance. 

Suppose you're biology is well balanced - your intake / diet isn't affecting these hormones and you don't need a chemical re-set. I would then look into what the demands of life are and 1. The tools, resources and perspectives I have to deal with them. For me, financial demands are crippling. As is my relationship with my mother. These are stressful. I have other limitations I also deal with.

Some philosophers would suggest suicide is the only expression of freedom humans have. Which could mean, thinking about it is a way of trying to tell yourself "I NEED ESCAPE", liberation, freedom. I am buried under too much. I am overwhelmed. Dorothy Parker wrote a classic poem called Resume: 

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44835/resume-56d2241505225

Don't be afraid of your deeper thoughts!! Write them ALL out. Let you talk to you. Don't hold back, write it all down. Somewhere underneath all these ideas of How to Escape, lies even more deeper matters of the 'soul', of the 'self' - and why you feel the need to. I was encouraged at a younger age to laugh about death and now my son and I openly discuss it. Some of the better comedians have been known to be suicidal and I think the only reason they don't actually follow through is there're allowed to Go There. To talk it out, to laugh about it. We live in a repressed society. But some of us don't 'do' repression very well and I think this is one of the Liberating elements of Autism, if we can learn to harness the natural ability to create a Healthy and life-awarding Escape. 

I used to have debilitating anxiety and depression and general low mood. Anxiety kept me awake at night, and if I got any sleep, when I woke up I was already depressed and wanted to sleep forever. Things that most people could do (go outside, buy things, make decisions, socialize) I struggled with, no matter how many times I've done them before. I also felt suicidal as that's how low my mood was.

I thought that my stress and low mood was causing my stomach problems and other physical issues, but it was actually the opposite. My stomach problems was the cause of my stress and low mood. I discovered that I couldn't eat certain things that caused inflammation in my body, which was gluten, and when I stopped eating it, my stomach was better, and my mood uplifted after a week of stopping it, but my mood would dip back down if I accidentally ate gluten again.

So I'd suggest finding out what you're food intolerances and allergies are, before trying out antidepressants. But that's just a suggestion, it's up to you what would be best for your life.

I tried to get help for my depression from these people.

After completing their questionnaire they told me that my mental state was beyond the help that they had available.

You need to make sure there are people who are aware that you feel like this. You need to have a safety net, someone who will save your butt if you try to do something stupid and irreversible. I have similar issues. I tried lots of the same things as you and it didn't work. My advice which has help me carry on (I still don't feel great most of the time but its not even in the same ball park of darkness as before) is to learn about stoicism read seneca, aurealius, frankel, nitcheze, miyamoto musashi etc these guys teach to you live with less, appreciate less e.g be grateful you even get to wake up in the morning its quite a gift, minimise your life and one of the biggest lessons any of us can learn "there is nothing outside of you that can make you stronger, faster, better, everything is within" so don't look for things outside of you for strength look inwards and you will find it, change your perspective and look within yourself.  Try also to close your world down only to those things that matter to you and the people who matter to you. The less you think about the bigger world and the less contact you have to have with NT people (except those who matter to you have help you grow as a person) the better you will feel. You will think less, have to process less, worry about less, have more certainty and control and can use the energy and time that you do have to spend it on only the things that give you a reason to carry on which frankel says you can define for yourself. When you define your purpose, why you carry on you can just through your entire existence at it and completely forget about anything else. You have to choose to do that and nothing else can decide for you. 

Outside of your mental attitude exercise exercise exercise. Not weightlifting etc just running and doing stuff like that. Body any mind need to align. Exercise gives you more power to take control of your mind too. 

I tackle my depression by:

• Listening to music that I like, CDs, DVDs, watching music documentaries on TV, watched the Fleetwood Mac triple documentary on BBC 4 yesterday.
• Looking at my photograph collection of places I enjoyed visiting.
• Going on long walks, mostly through woodlands, near lakes.
• Eating food I really like.  Even if it's unhealthy.

I avoid medication.  I was once addicted to paracetamol and was taking five or six every day.

I've never tried CBT of any kind.

I only visit doctors, or hospitals as a last resort.

Even with all this I'm still in a bad state.  A couple of years ago I saw a leaflet in my GPs waiting room which offered help with depression, stress, mental health etc.  It gave a website to visit, which asked me to fill out a long questionnaire about my current state of mind.  I completed this questionnaire as honestly as possible and waited to see what kind of help this organisation would offer me...   The response from the website was that my problems were far more severe than what they were able to help with.  And advised me to urgently contact my GP and ask for professional help.

Ok, so I watched this video by Sarah Hendrickx......I had no idea that the suicide rate for autistic women was high. On top of your brain chemsitry/whatever is going on......remember, we're fighting to be identified as autistic, it's only been the last 4 years they've been studying women & many have incorrect diagnosis (ie BPD, Bipolar, ADHD).

www.youtube.com/watch

I've definitely been hit with some low times & periods of thinking, "this is not living" and being numb. Maybe there's people, jobs, situations in addition to brain chemistry that need to be looked at too--are making you feel worse?

Just know---YOU are not alone Ladybird. I plan on still asking for the .25mg of .5mg of klonipin from an actual professional at the Amen Clinics vs. a nurse practitioner. For goodness sakes, short-term use of those medications are for people suffering....just bc some people abuse them, shouldn't screw over the rest of us. Find someone who listens to you/what drugs you've researched AND does not have any medication shame/bias. I've met too many with a god-complex....you need a good, understanding, kind GP (if you don't have one already). ALSO, get your thyroid checked. Not just tsh/not just total t3/t4...but total as well. 

I'm glad you're here too.

I'm glad you're going to the GP too - it's easy to get into the technicalities of ending things - I worked with MegaWatt power supplies and lethal chemicals - it would have been trivial to arrange an accident for myself.   

The fact I'm still here means that no problem is insurmountable -  you just need the right support. 

I strongly suggest you right down all your problems on paper so if things get too overwhelming in the GP's office, you can hand it over to them to read.  

I'm really glad you're going GP. What you just said was really scary.

I’ve decided. I’m going to go to GP after Easter, even though it won’t be easy for me to ask for help.  Because I woke up in the middle of the night and started to think about all the chemicals I have access to at work (I work in the lab), even though chemical  poisonings is not my chosen method. I went to work today morning (to do some overtime) and looked at the deadly ones. I’m not planning to use them but it hit me that it went too far and I shouldn’t be reading about their lethal doses. I should be relaxing and celebrating long weekend. After all, what do I have to lose?