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Depression?

Ladybird

I’ve got some questions, maybe someone’s got the answers.

I’ve tried to improve my mood. First by taking st.john’s wort and when it didn’t work I tried 5-htp. It didn’t work. Maybe the dose was too low, maybe I should double/triple it. 

I have generally low mood (but some days better, some days worse) and I have an anxiety. Anxiety is ruining my life.

It’s not a new issue and I’ve tried CBT and counselling which didn’t help. 

NHS CBT was completely useless.

Recently I’ve talked to someone about suicide and they said that it would be worth if I talk to GP and take some medication. 

But I’m not sure. 

I’m not at imminent risk. I know I might kill myself in the future but I’m not going to do it yet. It’s just an option if the life is too much. 

I’ve chosen the method and the thought is comforting. 

The thought that I’ve got the way out and that I’m prepared.

But I’m not going to kill myself yet. 

I have small children and I’m not going to cause trauma to my children. They are not ready to deal with that.

I’ve been having recurring suicidal thoughts for years.

I’ve never mentioned them in therapy because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I was afraid how they might react.

And now to my questions.

Should I go to GP? 

Will they tell anyone? 

Are they going to make a big deal out of it? 

Or maybe ignore me? 

Maybe it’s not worth mentioning at all? 

Will I be sent to CBT again? 

Offered medication? 

Can I choose medication or therapy? 

What about side effects of medication?

I’m worried about side effects.

Parents

  • Personally, I think there's 3 things to consider. I'm not a doctor, but I've had to do an immense amount of my own research and just be mindful about these: 

    1. Biology.

    2. Life & it's demands.

    3. Perspective (psychology)

    Our biology is complex. Over the years I've discovered a few things I need to take on regiment to maintain focus, alertness and a general feeling of 'well-being'. I take 1/3 - 1/2 dose of a Multi-Vitamin. A Womens hormonal balance, 1/3 dose of chlorella 3x week and 1/2 dose of a mushroom complex 3x week. I have probiotics as needed & have to watch my blood sugar level (not diabetic, but also unfortunately, GF). This cocktail took me years to find the right balance. I may have days of being frustrated about life, but wellness and holistic care toward my self makes a great deal of difference in my ability to think-through difficult moments. 

    My son has been on and off anti-depressants durning the last few years of high school and during uni. They caused more harm than good and they were only useful as a tool to deal with life situations he couldn't escape. Eventually we took him off and and found 1/2 dose Multi plus a immune boosting / Vit D boosting herbal supplement (like ashwaganda) really changed things for him. A little sunlight does him a world of good. 

    If you're interested (or maybe you already do this), it's sometimes good to look into serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, the neurotransmitters of depression. How they function and how to keep a healthy balance. 

    Suppose you're biology is well balanced - your intake / diet isn't affecting these hormones and you don't need a chemical re-set. I would then look into what the demands of life are and 1. The tools, resources and perspectives I have to deal with them. For me, financial demands are crippling. As is my relationship with my mother. These are stressful. I have other limitations I also deal with.

    Some philosophers would suggest suicide is the only expression of freedom humans have. Which could mean, thinking about it is a way of trying to tell yourself "I NEED ESCAPE", liberation, freedom. I am buried under too much. I am overwhelmed. Dorothy Parker wrote a classic poem called Resume: 

    https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44835/resume-56d2241505225

    Don't be afraid of your deeper thoughts!! Write them ALL out. Let you talk to you. Don't hold back, write it all down. Somewhere underneath all these ideas of How to Escape, lies even more deeper matters of the 'soul', of the 'self' - and why you feel the need to. I was encouraged at a younger age to laugh about death and now my son and I openly discuss it. Some of the better comedians have been known to be suicidal and I think the only reason they don't actually follow through is there're allowed to Go There. To talk it out, to laugh about it. We live in a repressed society. But some of us don't 'do' repression very well and I think this is one of the Liberating elements of Autism, if we can learn to harness the natural ability to create a Healthy and life-awarding Escape. 

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