Guilt for not working

I don't work. I'm a 45 year old man with two teenage daughters and my wife supports us. 

My youngest is home educated so there is a reason for me to be at home. 

My wife doesn't mind. She's a very career minded person so me being at home takes pressure off her. 

I've struggled to hold down jobs (for a variety of reasons) and we now know it's my autism. I'm working on getting the diagnosis. 

I don't like it. I wish I could work but it's just the way things are. 

You and me are lucky we've got supportive partners n 

Being a great Mom will inspire many more than your own children too, Other children who don't have such a steady hand at the helm will see you and your efforts and know better how to cope later in life too!

about others' expectations... some one once told me

 those who care (to judge), don't matter,

and

those who matter don't care.

..

Love is the greatest contribution of all.

It is too easy to berate yourself for what you cannot do, rather than praise yourself for what you can (it seems to be a common theme across many threads, so I know I am not the only one who does it!). You are raising two autistic children, helping to ensure that they can cope with life and be as happy as possible, doing everything you can to minimise the risk of them struggling to deal with the challenges they will face. Hard to think of anything more important than that. I struggle to look after myself, so I am in awe of someone who can care for two others in that way.

I think I have blown it because I didn't go for something which, with the right accommodations, could have worked for me but I didn't ever explore it.  

I'm really happy with my life and the way our family dynamic works. We do what's best for us and our children but it absolutely is the expectations of others that get to me. I constantly feel like I'm missing the mark that social set. 

I think that's a lovely way to think of it "contributing kindness". 

I am always there for my children, I'm the consistent and their routine. Im always present for school activities, I'm always there to take them to school and pick them up, they know that if there is anything that requires a parent I'm going to be there. I know how it feels when you're neuro-diverse and you don't know who's picking you up, if you're going with a family member or a family friend, being poorly and dropped off to another family member. My therapist said that this is where my fear of abanoment comes from. I'd do all I can so my children didn't feel that way too. 

I never thought of it like that, I've been so quick to doubt myself that the idea that it could actually be considered acceptable never really clicked. I grew up undiagnosed and both my parents worked even when my mother didn't need to as my father was financially secure, I was passed between family and family friends after school and the never knowing who was picking me up or where I'd be really affected me, when I was poorly I was still given to other family members while my parents worked when all I wanted was to be in my safe place or have a routine. It's somthing that I know many children and parents have to do but It really effected me as a child I now know why it was such a big thing for me. I wouldn't want my boys to have to feel that, every school appointment I'm there, every consultant or therapies appointment I'm there, whatever it is they know mums going to be there for them and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's easier said than done I know but try not to worry about what other people are doing and focus on yourself and the fact that you're doing the best you can under difficult and different circumstances. You're autistic, you have children to look after and support and you're married. This is a lot for anyone to cope with and is a job in itself. My mum often says that raising children and looking after a household is the hardest job she's ever had and I don't envy her with it.

I completely understand though. It's hard. You hear and see others out there working and it puts a downer on you because despite your best efforts you just can't do it whether it's your health, you can't because of anxiety.... 

There's a lot of factors to consider and it may be a small comfort knowing you're not the only one in this situation. I used to feel like I was the only one and that got really frustrating AF depressing at times.

You should feel really proud of yourself for what you already achieve in your life. You don't work at the moment but that could change next year, who knows? And if it doesn't happen remember that you're doing fine as you are and you really can't compare yourself to others because we're all different and have our own struggles to process and deal with.

There are many neurotypical mums who also don't work. I don't have kids. I don't know how anyone can do both. I think it's easy for other people and ourselves to say "don't compare yourself to others...we live in a society that values money over all else" but in truth I struggle with the same thoughts every day about work (I work very very part time due to my health).  I struggle with the imbalance between myself and my partner but he's very supportive.  We all approach the world from different angles and different starting points. Some people are able to do it, others not so or they need more support. Im very much of the opinion that everyone tries their best every day with whatever they have or are on that day. Being a mum sounds like the best job in the world for you and your partner sounds absolutely wonderful.

I used to have this for years and some accusing quips about it directed at me as well. I couldn't really determine if it was an actual guilt at shirking a perceived expectation within myself, or at other's expectations of me.

I think it was, in the end what others expected of me. I found other ways to "contribute". small kindnesses, volunteer at library. If one has children, the security of having a parent available and be engaged with in a child's life is priceless! a full time job on it's own. Your children, if you a there for them, will remember this and absorb the message. they will also see how you treat your self and others. Sounds like you already have one of the most important jobs out there: parent and mentor.

The Neuro-Spicy Navigator said:

My youngest came home before Christmas break and was telling me that some mummies work as well. I know he was just stating an observation but it made my anxiety kick in and I've spent weeks now thinking about it, how to I explain to my children why I don't do everything that neuro-typical mummies do.

Whilst it may be a dated restrictive attitude for some folk to have and a bit sexist, the idea that the 'man provides' and the 'woman stays at home' at least allows it to feel more socially acceptable not to work as a woman, especially when you have kids. The observation that was made from what you said here is that "some mummies work as well" too which means that I'm guessing they observed that some of the other mums didn't as well, many of whom may be NTs. Take that as a little something, you're not some kind of outcast or anomaly or falling behind for not working in your situation and being a parent is quite the job in of itself, be proud of being a full time mum.

Maybe you've not "blown" every opportunity, maybe you've just never found the right fit for you. Just be unapologetically you, and whats meant to be for you, will be 

Thank you. I feel I've blown every opportunity I've had in the past which makes me worry that I'll do it again. 

I do like to just go with the flow of our family life but part of me just is scared I guess that I'm going to end up sticking out or bringing attention to myself by not fitting the norm. The thought of being in a work environment makes me feel physically ill and I run through all these scenarios in my head which ends up me shutting myself off from the world and not going out. 

I really appreciate your kind words, I think that's a lovely way to explain it to him and its a way he will understand too. 

I keep thinking of ways I could work from home, at my own pace in my safe place as I know I'll be able to be the best I can.I guess I've got time to figure that all out it just seems like its so urgent at times. 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. 

You're doing really well with doing a training course and now shadowing work. That's fantastic, and you should be really proud of yourself, Go You! We are all routing for you. 

The Neuro-Spicy Navigator said:

I was wondering if any other autistic adults felt the same as me?.

Yes, I frequently feel like this.

I tend to go with the flow. Focus on the good stuff, the successes in my life rather than the negatives. Let one negative thought in and suddenly they all fly in.

I would say that you're doing pretty damn well. You're a mummy, you have a partner who's supportive and you're trying your best. You don't work.. .. but you're bringing up a kid, balancing a relationship as well... no wonder you can't work right now. This is already so much happening in your life.

Focus on how well you're doing. Next time your little one asks say your job is looking after him. That's what my GF said when she was presented with this very question last year.

It's not even a lie. Parenting is a full time job.

Keep rocking super mum!

My circumstances are different to yours but I'm 26 and haven't worked for 2 years. I do have that guilt for not really being able to make any progress in that time, even though I have some shadowing work coming up (which is a lot more than I have done since a training course in early 2022).

I've almost become too comfortable with it.