Published on 12, July, 2020
Hiya, this is my first time posting. I got my diognosis back in 2022 and I spent a good amount of time processing it. I mean alot of my life experiences became more understandable and I guess I kind of always knew somthing about me was different but I didn't even imagine I'd have a diognois. It wasn't until my two young sons we're both diognosied with autism that the penny dropped with myself.
I'm struggling alot recently with this feeling that I'm not fulfilling my duty as an adult, I know that this may come across strange but from such a young age its always drilled into us that we have to grow up, get married, have a job and a mortgage and all the typical things but I don't. And I feel by not having a job and a mortgage and marriage, that I don't fit in society even more than i already didnt. I've always struggled to hold down a job, I would get overwhelmed and burnt out and end up completely distraught and physicslly unwell which i now know my reason why. I left work after i had my son when i was 19 (8 years ago). It wasn't until I became a mum that I became my most authentic self. I never had a talent as such but being a mum was and is the best thing that's ever happened to me and the only thing I feel I'm good at. I wouldn't have anymore children, just a personal choice as both my boys have completely different needs and traits that take up alot of my time. My youngest came home before Christmas break and was telling me that some mummies work as well. I know he was just stating an observation but it made my anxiety kick in and I've spent weeks now thinking about it, how to I explain to my children why I don't do everything that neuro-typical mummies do. I have a really supportive partner and he's the best father to our boys. He constantly reassures me that my worth isn't dependent on a wage packet but by simply being me. I just can't seem to shake this feeling.
I was wondering if any other autistic adults felt the same as me?.
Thank you for reading
It's easier said than done I know but try not to worry about what other people are doing and focus on yourself and the fact that you're doing the best you can under difficult and different circumstances. You're autistic, you have children to look after and support and you're married. This is a lot for anyone to cope with and is a job in itself. My mum often says that raising children and looking after a household is the hardest job she's ever had and I don't envy her with it.
I completely understand though. It's hard. You hear and see others out there working and it puts a downer on you because despite your best efforts you just can't do it whether it's your health, you can't because of anxiety....
There's a lot of factors to consider and it may be a small comfort knowing you're not the only one in this situation. I used to feel like I was the only one and that got really frustrating AF depressing at times.
You should feel really proud of yourself for what you already achieve in your life. You don't work at the moment but that could change next year, who knows? And if it doesn't happen remember that you're doing fine as you are and you really can't compare yourself to others because we're all different and have our own struggles to process and deal with.