Published on 12, July, 2020
Hiya, this is my first time posting. I got my diognosis back in 2022 and I spent a good amount of time processing it. I mean alot of my life experiences became more understandable and I guess I kind of always knew somthing about me was different but I didn't even imagine I'd have a diognois. It wasn't until my two young sons we're both diognosied with autism that the penny dropped with myself.
I'm struggling alot recently with this feeling that I'm not fulfilling my duty as an adult, I know that this may come across strange but from such a young age its always drilled into us that we have to grow up, get married, have a job and a mortgage and all the typical things but I don't. And I feel by not having a job and a mortgage and marriage, that I don't fit in society even more than i already didnt. I've always struggled to hold down a job, I would get overwhelmed and burnt out and end up completely distraught and physicslly unwell which i now know my reason why. I left work after i had my son when i was 19 (8 years ago). It wasn't until I became a mum that I became my most authentic self. I never had a talent as such but being a mum was and is the best thing that's ever happened to me and the only thing I feel I'm good at. I wouldn't have anymore children, just a personal choice as both my boys have completely different needs and traits that take up alot of my time. My youngest came home before Christmas break and was telling me that some mummies work as well. I know he was just stating an observation but it made my anxiety kick in and I've spent weeks now thinking about it, how to I explain to my children why I don't do everything that neuro-typical mummies do. I have a really supportive partner and he's the best father to our boys. He constantly reassures me that my worth isn't dependent on a wage packet but by simply being me. I just can't seem to shake this feeling.
I was wondering if any other autistic adults felt the same as me?.
Thank you for reading
I used to have this for years and some accusing quips about it directed at me as well. I couldn't really determine if it was an actual guilt at shirking a perceived expectation within myself, or at other's expectations of me.
I think it was, in the end what others expected of me. I found other ways to "contribute". small kindnesses, volunteer at library. If one has children, the security of having a parent available and be engaged with in a child's life is priceless! a full time job on it's own. Your children, if you a there for them, will remember this and absorb the message. they will also see how you treat your self and others. Sounds like you already have one of the most important jobs out there: parent and mentor.
I'm really happy with my life and the way our family dynamic works. We do what's best for us and our children but it absolutely is the expectations of others that get to me. I constantly feel like I'm missing the mark that social set.
I think that's a lovely way to think of it "contributing kindness".
I am always there for my children, I'm the consistent and their routine. Im always present for school activities, I'm always there to take them to school and pick them up, they know that if there is anything that requires a parent I'm going to be there. I know how it feels when you're neuro-diverse and you don't know who's picking you up, if you're going with a family member or a family friend, being poorly and dropped off to another family member. My therapist said that this is where my fear of abanoment comes from. I'd do all I can so my children didn't feel that way too.
Being a great Mom will inspire many more than your own children too, Other children who don't have such a steady hand at the helm will see you and your efforts and know better how to cope later in life too!
about others' expectations... some one once told me
those who care (to judge), don't matter,
and
those who matter don't care.
..
Love is the greatest contribution of all.