Autistic 19 year old female?

Hi Abbie :) I'd be interested in hanging out if you are, I can also relate to the not going out much 

Aw thats so lovely! Thanks so much Abbi. I don't mind that you mentioned autism, its always better to talk about it.

I'll leave my email address with you and if you still wish be a penpal you can send me an email that i can reply to with my address so you can post the letter and i'll give it to my sister and she'll write a letter back.

[edited due to personal info]

Cant wait to hear from you!

Best wishes Nas 

Ann :) said:

In my experience if you have to mask a lot it won’t last and will become too exhausting. You are very capable of making and keeping friends, you don’t need to change how you are to achieve this. 

yeah this struck with me; i found the friends that I did make and that lasted since I was younger have drifted away because I did mask with them and it would make me really exhausted. I'm distance learning at home for my a levels atm so I reckon ill be going to uni around 20 or 21. I reckon its just a very isolating position I'm in at the moment - I've even started resorting to going to my local library as a way to get out of the house etc.

ive written it! the only problem is I did mention autism once i think - so if you want me to rewrite the letter without it in I'm happy to do so. Im apologise i didn't notice that she was unaware of it.

Doremon? Overrated as an anime. Anyway screw that I built my entire identity in life up to this point in denying my age and acting in an age inappropriate way; I sure as hell don’t intend to stop now. Loll

Peter said:

Except of course that it's a lot harder to access these 'clubs' after uni.

If you live in some of the bigger cities then there is a chance there could be a club within reach but in reality it is much more likely you will have to travel some distance to these (eg model railway groups) or join online forums where the people hang out.

Online is typically more suited to our autistic issues but lacks the element of physical social interaction that some crave, so it is a case of it will work for some and not others.

Sometimes you have to just accept that getting old means you are no longer going to be welcome at the Doremon supporters club meet ups.

Iain said:

For adults it is a yet more difficult to find people in this zone, especially if they have some of the more awkward social traits that some of us have.

So your advice is basically don't be old? :P

Iain said:

Special interest clubs remain possibly the best single source of finding friends I find, followed closely by dating apps for those able to mask well.

Except of course that it's a lot harder to access these 'clubs' after uni.

Ann :) said:

when it comes to making friends it is actually very easy if you meet the right people- And for me that only happened when I went to university.

The key here is to make friends in an environment where the people are also looking to make friends.

Many people here try to make friends in situations where people already have their plates full with other things in life (a work colleague, someone they met in the pub, someone they sit beside on the train etc) and the other people may not be interested in reciprocating for a range of reasons.

Uni is a great environment where lots of people are starting their adult lives, exploring new subjects of study, exploring their sexuality (such fond memories :) ) and making new and interesting friends.

That level of openess drops off as the hard work of study commences then later on when work begins to slowly crush your spirit...

For adults it is a yet more difficult to find people in this zone, especially if they have some of the more awkward social traits that some of us have.

Special interest clubs remain possibly the best single source of finding friends I find, followed closely by dating apps for those able to mask well.

I’m autistic and I had a hard time at school and didn’t have friends there. I do now though and when it comes to making friends it is actually very easy if you meet the right people- And for me that only happened when I went to university. The best friendships are those where you can be yourself. The challenge is actually meeting those people that you can easily become friends with- it can be hard at school but maybe you can meet some people through a shared interest? In terms of keeping friends, if they are good friends, it’s usually not difficult to keep them- with my friends there are no expectations for regular contact- it fluctuates- noone is offended if we do not reply or talk for weeks- there is no pressure, because my friends are mostly like me - we understand that sometimes we need downtime or are just overwhelmed or busy. I’ve stayed friends with people from university long after moving to different countries and cities. I think the key is that you have to meet the right people. In my experience if you have to mask a lot it won’t last and will become too exhausting. You are very capable of making and keeping friends, you don’t need to change how you are to achieve this. 
In terms of liking to stay in but still wanting to socialise sometimes, i really like phone calls or online socialising too (like playing boardgames online). I also like to go on walks  with friends  

good luck!

As the noisy weirdo type of autistic I also had real difficulty making friends. What I did when I was in university which I imagine you might be now was fine the student club with all of the weirdos in. That happened to be the Anime society in my case, which was good because I love Anime. And I just kept moving in those circles until they literally kicked me out; all through my PhD and beyond.

look for the students Who go from quiet to literally shouting into the room in about five seconds flat. Who posit an interesting what if question and suddenly start doodling diagrams and equations on napkins. Who have long involved arguments about completely pointless hypotheticals. Look for the group that comes back from sex toy shopping to the student bar and immediately takes all of their sex toys out of their bags and starts passing them around the group like show and tell without any self-consciousness whatsoever.

this is the group in which you will find your kin, your soulmates; people who are your tribe. At least if you’re the noisy weirdo autistic type.

Hey Abbie,

I've been tagged in your post as i'm looking for a pen pal for my younger Autistic and ADHD sister who is also the same age as you and looking for long lasting friends. She is sociable and outgoing and i feel like your opposing personalities (based on your post) would be a great fit for one another.

If its okay with you and something you want, i was hoping to start my sister off with a pen pal. If things go well then of course we can plan a girls day out! 

I should warn that my sister isn't aware of her condition but has similar social struggles to you. Enough of me typing now, ill let her say a few things so you can get to know her a bit.

'Hello Abbie, can I be your friends and pen pal? what sorts of the things that you like? Hello my name is Shamoya I am 19 years old, so the things i like doing is indoors activities are cooking, baking, arts, hair and beauty, bored games and I also like doing letter writing and outdoors activities are the cinema, costa coffee, Birmingham city centre, swimming and going out for a picnics in the park.'

Thanks Abbie for reading!

Kind Regards

Nas!

Hi Abbie, hope you are having a good day. I am Cian, I’m 23. I am happy to talk to you about autism and making friends. Let me know if you want me to message you?

Oh this is brilliant! This helps massively, thank you so much!

I thought being nice was the way to make friends and still don't have a clue why it doesn't work! I thought it was just the fact that I'm shy that was making it difficult. But then I found that a lot of the people that I did speak to stopped talking to me after a while and never became friends with me, and I realized I must just be rubbish at making friends.

And more or less ever since then I've been hoping to find someone to teach me how to make friends, but I've never found anyone.

So that's basically my experience of trying to make friends.

I'm not sure what I did right with the few friends I did have, so I can't really offer any advice on how to make them.

I’ve bumped it up in the thread, though I can’t mention you, because ‘abbie’ is too common a username.. NAS88507 this should be an alternate way of getting to the thread..:)

I think it may be worth perusing a pen-pals thread over in the adult autism section, I’ll give you a mention over there and you can have a look, there is a older sister that is looking to find a pen pal for her younger sister..:)

abbie said:

how you guys make friends, and keep them

This is a complicated subject but if you learn the rules around what is expected in social situations then you are half way there to be able to pass as a shy neurotypical if you want.

If you are with friends then it is best to try to be authentic as this will help the bond of friendship. Making sure your friends know you are autistic but that it doesn't make you a monster does help. They don't need to know the ins and outs of it, just what your main issues around social interactions and sensitivites are.

To learn the "rules" I would start with this book:

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)
ISBN 9781941765388

The following books have more tips if you want to expand your understanding of the subject:

An Aspie's Guide to Making and Keeping Friends - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501259

Friendships The Aspie Way - Wendy Lawson (2006)
ISBN-10: 1 84310 427 X

Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome - A Practical Guide to Day-to-day Life - Nancy J., Ph.D. Patrick (2008)
ISBN 9781843108764

Now realise that socialising causes anxiety for most of us, so understanding how to manage this is also very useful. The following books teach you a range of techniques and hopefully one works for you:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

An Aspie's Guide to Overcoming Anxiety - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501198

For the actual conversations themselves, if it is for new contacts or general social occasions where you don't know what to talk about, the following books give you plenty of material to work from:

How to Talk to Anyone About Anything - Improve Your Social Skills, Master Small Talk, Connect Effortlessly, and Make Real Friends - W. Williams, James (2021)
ISBN‎ 195303635X

Stress-Free Small Talk - How to Master the Art of Conversation and Take Control of Your Social Anxiety - Gallagher LMFT, Richard S  (2020)
ISBN‎ 1641528958

You do not need to memorise everything here - dip in and out as you are able and appy the skills when you have the opportunity. It is more a process than an event.