Published on 12, July, 2020
So, I'm a new member so I figured that I should introduce myself.
I was diagnosed ASD (Asperger's) two years ago, just a couple of weeks before my 50th birthday. In some ways it has been a relief to finally understand some of my past behaviours and issues - the ones that made me feel anxious but appeared to others as just being awkward. Some of the lifetime's worth of guilt lifted, I understand why I like being alone, get obsessed with topics, have to read up on subjects just so that I *know*...
Covid has been amazing for me. Social distancing was something I had been practicing for my entire life. Work From Home... bring it on. Anxiety levels plummeted. yet now, everyone is expecting normal again - although WFH is still happening for 4 days per week.
However, there's a flip and it's partly why I'm here. Who am I? Really, who? My entire identity feels like it's been stripped away. I no longer know how I'm supposed to act etc (although I also understand that's not really a question). I'm not shy about telling people I'm autistic - I work in the NHS so it's easy to be open in that sense. But my neuro-divergent brain needs to understand how neuro-divergent people are supposed to behave... I now worry that I'm coming across as playing on it, justifying bad behaviour or attitude as my autism when in reality it's not and perhaps others still think I'm taking the piss or something...
So anyway, "Hi" to anyone who reads this.
PS Yeah, oversharing and overanalysing. I know ;)
Well done and welcome.
I’m with you in spirit and friendship
All best wishes to you. None of us are as alone as our imaginations suggest.
I have an obsession of mirror reflecting one scratch at a side, with the opposite side; force of habit.
Hi! I was diagnosed last year. I also questioned who I am a bit, and lately have begun to realise that I can potentially be someone different to who I was previously (within reason), hopefully a more functional and happier me.
Re: how neurodivergent people are "supposed" to behave, reading this site sometimes makes me think, "I don't do that thing that everyone else seems to do -- does that mean I'm not "really" autistic?" But there isn't really a uniform set of autistic behaviours, just a menu of options.
Oh yes, the IBS too. I'm eating things now that I wouldn't have considered two years ago.
If you've never experienced having everything you know feel as though it's been stripped away, it is a bit daunting. But WOW is it refreshing when you get to the other side. It's like razing plot of land, allowing nature to re-build and then re-constructing a house with lasting materials and a solid foundation.
Who do you want to be? What does your ideal self look like? That's a desirable direction. Become this human. I love the construction of what our autistic-wired beings can become. Historically, many of us wouldn't have been labelled but according to our personality and possibly just given permission to be unique (while kind). Anyway, it's a collective, our Autistic Selves. Differentiate between what is innate, and what has room for character growth. One can have potential and that potential can be used for good or evil. Integration of intent / words / actions, this is a worthwhile task. And I have a feeling it is something unique to more authentic Autistic Beings.
Maybe its helpful to stop thinking of the ‘supposed’ as something you can consciously steer when in the company of others. As I understand it (and Im only recently diagnosed late in life too) ‘masking’ is less performative than it is reflexive. So the public ‘you’ that has been the learned compromise will not, cannot, vanish overnight, maybe ever - a realisation as comforting as it is frustrating! For it to do so, 95% of society would have to become neurodivergent overnight, and it wont. Give it many centuries before that might happen
Thats really interesting. I’ve been experiencing that too. Since living alone again, and especially since diagnosis. Nothing major or dramatic. Ive always had small discrete stims like pulling on eyelashes on eyebrow hairs. And i developed some compulsive tics for a while as a child - constantly turning my head to check that inner doors were closed, cushions were straight etc.
But I think there was impatience with that from my parents that I internalised so suppressed a lot.
But now, I find myself additionally pushing pressure points in my hands (one on the other), pushing hands together, and finger tapping, and even rocking just the tiniest bit when trying to go to sleep. Its just this diffuse little spreading of partial tension release across the day (if alone) or evening.
i notice that I even do it in work a little more than before, though its still very contained (out of habit) when visiting my parents or siblings. And in those moments I question internally how much I ‘need’ to do it at all. Except, the growing sense of subtle but intense unreleased tension in me (once so common it felt normal) during those times tells me the answer. It’s less of a need than a help. Though really its both
Indeed, I had a few pretty outlandish stims emerge under the stress of medical interventions. My husband thought I was going nuts. I thought I was going nuts. Now I know what they are, I can let them be and feel better.
Hi there,
Yes, I agree sounds like imposter syndrome. Purple Ella on youtube does a good vid on this that might help.
And the answer to how to behave, is well, however you are comfortable. Being diagnosed does enable us to identify our mask and decide when we want to accomodate to the NT world and when we want to insist it accomodate to us.
And who are you? - Exactly who you've always been. A diagnosis just gives us a little Rosetta stone to explain that to others.
And yes, WFH is a blessed relief for me too. Additionally, it helps manage my IBS and spares me the sensory distress of the commute.
Most important discovery of mine since selfidentification was stimming, and it's positive effect on me, I suppose except nailbiting I was suppressing/masking all its forms all my life, and it's the easiest way to ease anxiety
sounds like a case of that "impostor syndrome" rearing its head mate
doing it a bit myself to be honest, though im only in referral stage, but you as a person dont have to behave any differently just because your diagnosed
although yeah, if theres aspects you want to change after realising theyve been a problem all your life then fair play
but its just not worth worrying about that in honesty, your still the same person regardless of it.