Published on 12, July, 2020
So, I'm a new member so I figured that I should introduce myself.
I was diagnosed ASD (Asperger's) two years ago, just a couple of weeks before my 50th birthday. In some ways it has been a relief to finally understand some of my past behaviours and issues - the ones that made me feel anxious but appeared to others as just being awkward. Some of the lifetime's worth of guilt lifted, I understand why I like being alone, get obsessed with topics, have to read up on subjects just so that I *know*...
Covid has been amazing for me. Social distancing was something I had been practicing for my entire life. Work From Home... bring it on. Anxiety levels plummeted. yet now, everyone is expecting normal again - although WFH is still happening for 4 days per week.
However, there's a flip and it's partly why I'm here. Who am I? Really, who? My entire identity feels like it's been stripped away. I no longer know how I'm supposed to act etc (although I also understand that's not really a question). I'm not shy about telling people I'm autistic - I work in the NHS so it's easy to be open in that sense. But my neuro-divergent brain needs to understand how neuro-divergent people are supposed to behave... I now worry that I'm coming across as playing on it, justifying bad behaviour or attitude as my autism when in reality it's not and perhaps others still think I'm taking the piss or something...
So anyway, "Hi" to anyone who reads this.
PS Yeah, oversharing and overanalysing. I know ;)
If you've never experienced having everything you know feel as though it's been stripped away, it is a bit daunting. But WOW is it refreshing when you get to the other side. It's like razing plot of land, allowing nature to re-build and then re-constructing a house with lasting materials and a solid foundation.
Who do you want to be? What does your ideal self look like? That's a desirable direction. Become this human. I love the construction of what our autistic-wired beings can become. Historically, many of us wouldn't have been labelled but according to our personality and possibly just given permission to be unique (while kind). Anyway, it's a collective, our Autistic Selves. Differentiate between what is innate, and what has room for character growth. One can have potential and that potential can be used for good or evil. Integration of intent / words / actions, this is a worthwhile task. And I have a feeling it is something unique to more authentic Autistic Beings.