Walking away

I hope my reply did help your son just a little. I'm never sure how helpful I am. I try to be but never sure if I say too much or the wrong things. Hopefully it's helped him to see he isn't alone. Many people have been where he is now, which doesn't fix the problems of course but at least it's a small comfort to know you aren't in it alone. But I know how lonely those feelings can be and though you aren't really you do feel like it's just you facing it. I did. It needs to change. I think slowly things are changing but it's only gradually and at the moment the changes aren't very noticeable and I don't think there's much help for people with autism unless they are still children. I don't like the word normal either, but it's something I think we all try to be at times. I don't even know what normal is but at times I want it more than anything else. The way you describe that school is brilliant and exactly the way I wish my school had been! We do need a school like that. And hopefully one day there will be one. I'm hoping one day the Government will take us more seriously and give us the help and support we require, for all ages. At the moment there's nowhere enough and it's making life even more difficult for us all. It's got to change. I'm hoping it will soon. For me, you and your son, and everyone who has autism.

Thank you so much GirlX - that’s exactly how we feel. I’m sorry you’ve experienced this too. I’ve just read your reply to my son and he really appreciates you sharing your experience. He’s often felt like he’s so alone at school and college in feeling this way (though really we know he probably wasn’t (and isn’t). 
I wish it wasn’t like this for autistic people. I sometimes raised the subject with my son of leaving mainstream education - but he wanted to stick with it and work at fitting in and being ‘normal’ (unhelpful and toxic word but i think we know what we mean by it). 
On reflection I think that many autistic people would thrive more in schools designed specifically to meet the needs of autistic students. I think that’s what we need - welcoming, low pressure, encouraging, quiet and calm schools that are truly harmonious with autistic pupil’s needs. 
The problem is that no Government so far has had that level of commitment to autistic people.like most minorities we are not a priority. 

Thank you so much for your kind words and positive vibes - they really do mean a lot x 

Education is hard at the best of times and the older you get the harder it becomes. That was how I found it. It often left me feeling exhausted, drained, brain beaten and needing more rest than it was given. There's so much pressure with education for people with autism. You have the pressures of a big noisy school, college or university and then there's the pressures of the vast amount of people surrounding you and fitting in suddenly is something you feel you need to do. And then there's the pressures of the work. Good grades are what you're after but it takes so much to get them. All the reading in the world didn't make it any easier and I read a lot to try to learn to manage everything! I feel for you and your son. The situation is hard and it does leave you wanting to run away from it all. I felt that way all the time. You turn to the staff and they can't help or if they do the help is no help at all. I felt they weren't really bothered about me at the time. No understanding. It does leave you wanting to leave and wondering what the point in staying is. You seem to be getting nowhere and going nowhere. It adds a lot of confusion into a mix of difficulties you're already struggling with. I'm really sorry you are both going through this. I have been through similar. I wish I could help you. I send you my best and positive vibes, in the hopes that they can carry you through this to better things.

Thank you for your reply. I’m really sorry that University was such a struggle for you. My eldest had lots of challenging times at Uni too. So much social stuff at Uni - I think a lot of people feeln undercurrent of loneliness at Uni - even very socially capable sometimes feel that. It does definitely help to know that we are not alone - thank you

I was ok with school, but struggled a lot at university, also with mental health issues. I somehow got my degree, but was very depressed and burnt out for years afterwards. Then I did an MA and it was just as bad! I had some support, particularly with my BA, but it was hard. I suspect this isn't what you want to hear, but know that you and your son are not alone.

Oh Renee - you are so kind x 

I can tell that you completely understand - and in a way that only those who have experienced this can. 
I’m sorry to hear that your sister’s daughter is experiencing something similar. Why hasn’t this been addressed? Why aren’t things done to improve the lives of autistic children at school? We all know it’s not acceptable - and yet nothing (or very little) is done to make it better. 


I can understand why you are reluctant to go to college, it can be so intense for autistic people. My son was always so exhausted when he came home - the strain of it took so much out of him. Part of him wants to return, and another part of him feels sure it’s too much for him. We are both very unsure about everything at the moment. It’s all a bit overwhelming. 

It really makes a difference to talk to people on here who understand. Thank you again for you lovely, kind and supportive words. x 

Hi Kate. There really isn't enough help at school and in general for people with autism I think. I don't go now but my sister's daughter does and she's struggling but can't get any help either. Things really need to change with this. School and learning should be fun, but I never had any fun because I was burnt out and stressed all the time and no one wanted to help. It sounds like it's the same for your son as well. It's so bad. But who can you turn to? My mum and dad tried loads of times to get help, but in the end my mum had had enough and decided she would home school me. Also I think you are hard on yourself, your obviously a really lovely woman and caring mum who would do anything for her son. I think you would have been great at home schooling him :) 

It must be hard for you - and your son - not knowing what to do for the best. Could he contact the college before he goes and explain how he is, see if they can help? I'm assuming this is a new college. I can see why things are feeling so hopeless right now. It's difficult isn't it, wanting to do something but not sure if it's right and if it'll work out for the best. I thought of going to college, I still do but I think it will burn me out and I'll crash and burn. Also feel hopeless a lot of the time.

I really hope things improve for you Kate and that you get your new start for you and your family. You all sound like you need a break to start again. I hope you get this "break"soon :) 

Try to hang on to hope. I know things are hard and suck right now but it won't be forever!

I hope you and your family have a lovely day :) 

1. Now paddling my own canoe.

2. No. I never got the job I wanted. On reflection, however, that was a blessing in disguise.

I’m so happy for you! It’s never too late is it? I’m so glad to read of your experience - it shows that there’s always hope - which is such an important message for all of us who are struggling to be reminded of.

thank you

Hi , it’s changed my life so much! It’s only been recently- May this year. But I feel so much relief. My family and partner are very supportive. I’m just at the beginning of the journey but the only way is up now. I have had a lifetime of anxiety and difficulties but I now know why and feel so much more confident as a result. Best of luck. 

Thank you - I appreciate that. I’m sorry that school was a struggle for you. It makes for a pretty difficult start in life doesn’t it? I’m glad that the Open University enabled you to return to education in a way that was so positive for you. It shows that it’s never too late doesn’t it? 
I’m glad that things improved for you, and that you have a diagnosis now. I’m half way through the process of assessment/diagnosis - and am a similar age to you.  I wasn’t sure for a long time whether or not to try to get a diagnosis but in the end I felt I needed to explore that. Has having a diagnosis changed things for you in any way? 

Hello, sorry to hear your having difficulties. It’s not easy. I struggled all through school, but did a degree with the Open University which was fantastic. Mostly online. I’ve only recently been diagnosed age 55. It’s a relief but looking back no wonder I struggled. Wishing you and your family all the best.

What are you doing now Desmond? Did your University qualification help you to find a good job? 

I’m glad that college/Uni was better for you. I think that can often be the case.

Hi Renee,

I’m sorry you’ve experienced difficulties at school too. There really isn’t enough help. We had the feeling at my son’s school that it was ‘sink or swim’ - and if you needed help it was all a big problem and we had to push so hard to get any help for my son, and when we did get help it was very inadequate. After many years of it we just got so tired and we have ended up feeling quite hopeless. Now my son is an adult there’s still very little help. 

i think your mum did the right thing to take you out of school - I often wonder if I should have done that. However I didn’t have the confidence to think that I could home school my son. 

I’m sorry that you feel lost - that’s how we feel too. My son is supposed to be going back to college in September - but he’s not sure if he can face it. In an ideal world we would pack up all our belongings and move to a new place  a long way from here and have a totally fresh start - however at the moment we can’t do that for practical reasons. We hope to in the future though - as soon as practically possible. We want to leave the past behind and start a new life.

I can understand those feelings. School was so hard, didn't have any idea what I was doing or how to cope with the stress. There was no help available at all, went to the teachers and they didn't want to know or help. My mum took me out of school in the end because it was too much for me. I'd really like to do college and go on to better things now but I don't see how I'd cope with it all, like you said there's no support for people. I understand feeling lost, I feel lost all the time don't know which way I'm going or where I'm heading.

I had the opposite experience.  My school life was an absolute nightmare.  But higher education and universities were very different and a breath of fresh air.

School was okay for me, but I suffered burnout at the end of University. Now, I feel let down because I made an effort; then got nowhere.