Sons autism

I ment hits out 

No thats not happening. We live in a small flat and little one also hots out at other people including me. 

Neurotypical children can be sneaky. Your oldest could be delebrailtey moving objects around the house, using deodorant that the youngest may find offensive and sneaking around when your back turned making life hell for the autistic son.

My best friend is a child phycologist and it's alarming how parents says " There never left alone" because it take a small distraction like changing the washing over or cooking dinner for incident to occur and a parent to be oblivious.

If your watching the little one all the time , than the older child could be jealous and once sided sibling rivirly is taking place behind your back which will result in the older child harming the autistic one i say this from experience and from other autistic adults that were in a similar situation.

early emotional bonding issues don't only occur in mother and child relationships but can also occur amongst siblings especially if the oldest was a only child for a long period. its amplified because your sons autistic.

A child doesn't instantly turn to violence unless they need to in order to protect themselves, communicate or scared. 

Im saying this from experience do not di the typical mother thing and not doubt what may be happening. because it will be too late once something happens that could traumatise the youngest one for the rest of their life.

Hi no its nothing like that, like I said  my oldest son spends most of his time in his room on computer with his friends. There never left alone, coz I have to keep my eyes on little one all the time but thank you for your reply

From experience of being the youngest sibling with autism where the rest of my brothers are neurotypical. My brothers tried to control me, they deliberately sent me in meltdown to get their own way and they become really hostile when my parents left the room. 

I suggest getting a nanny cam to catch how your older son is treating the son with autism when he thinks no one is looking, it would explain why the son with autism can't tolerate his brother. 

Thank you

Thank you. Wow this is so much to take it. 

Hi Laura, welcome to the online community. In terms of the post-diagnosis, you may find the following page on our website useful: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-andw-guidance/topics/diagnosis/post-diagnosis-support 

I hope this helps.

Best wishes,

Anna Mod

I might focus on sorting his sensory environment at home so he has a space he feels he can decompress in. As has been said here, it could very well be the case he's holding it together at school - but just, and when he gets home lashes out because he feels safe? But only guessing.

Fussy eating could be a matter of health. Our taste buds are connected to our gut and if we're 'hyper-aware' our biology will tell us what we should and shouldn't eat. Many of us suffer from IBS or auto immune disorders. I am allergic to grains, legumes, high fibre veg, but it took years before anyone would listen to me. Back then you ate what you were given, though I opted for not eating at all and it probably saved my life!

As for other senses, one main thing to note is as parents we've had 30+ years to acclimate. Unless we're autistic, then we don't, because our brains aren't wired that way. When we have difficulty Dulling our Senses, this current modern civilisation is unbearable because so much of it is unnatural. 

this is a little list of what I've recommended other parents: 

Textile: 100% natural fibres: wool, cotton, silk or tree based fabric. Polyester is a bi-product of petroleum which is basically plastic. In a fire, it would melt to the skin and turn to plastic. Human skin cannot breathe in polyesters, so instead of keeping us warm, it causes us to sweat and does not allow for the body to regulate temperature properly. It can be hard to find 100%, but some companies have a nano-percent of polys/nylons/elastic.

Cleaning products: Detergents, soaps, countertop sprays and liquids - I buy unscented like EcoverZero or like Dr. Bronner’s, have natural essential oils. You might occasionally use bleach (which you’d use away from kids anyway) and maybe dishwasher tablets which can dry in the dishwasher, blocked from breathing in the scents. Fairy liquid doesn't bother me but we're all different with this. All candles: beeswax or soy (not petroleum based) with pure essential oils - rarely used. No plug-ins or incense.

Bicarbonate of Soda and activated charcoal are some of the best natural elements for removing unwanted smells.

Lightbulbs! Buy mostly energy saving halogen - these are still legal and will be into the unforeseen future.. Note that lamps and fixtures need to be build FOR halogen as LED works on a different electrical set-up and halogen is hotter. (Saving maybe a Salt lamp with an LED because the salt breaks up the light properly). LEDs are fine for safety / occasional use. Get a Light Awareness card for your son: https://lightaware.org  LEDs are proven to damage the retinas in infants, they deplete rare earth minerals and do not have the full spectrum of light like filament based bulbs which mirror the sun. They contain too much UV and no IR. The human eye uses infrared (IR) to see with contrast. For every one halogen on, one might feel they need to keep turning on LEDs sensing they just can't see properly. Because they can't.

Sound: Ensure there’s no ongoing stream of noise/drones around the house. You could buy him ear defenders to help block out noise if it's an issue. The tones which come from small computer speakers can be grating and those sounds alone have made me a bit irate on more than one occasion. Speakers and other items can give off the worst buzz or hum when they're off if the socket is still turned on.  Birdsong, however, is amazing IMO :)

Sensory extends to Emotions, kinetics and environmental - some of us can feel the air pressure. It's the intensity at which we feel these which makes our senses unbearable at times. And coupled with the difficulty with language, and inability to express what we're sensing - compounds the intensity. Hope this helps!

Thank you for your reply. Yes I will try a punch bag. I totally understand about holding it together all day then letting it all out, it's so much for them to deal with. We go in our park after school he loves to climb and swing I find that calms him sometimes. 

Off the wall idea perhaps but it might work... can you buy him a punch bag and encourage him to use it?

Lashing out physically has never been something I've had, but my cousin also on the Spectrum has been known to on the odd occasion.  She's at university now and apparently manages this with a punch bag, whenever she feels that kind of melt down coming on.

Clearly, he can't go on lashing out at you or anyone else, even though we all get that there won't be any mean intent to hurt you behind it. That would only get worse as he gets older.  But if you could get a strong enough message across that while no one is angry with him and every one understands he is stressed, he really must punch the bag, not people.  Remember you can't stop a melt down, but you can manoeuvre it somewhere safe. 

Perhaps, if he stops hitting out at his brother they might get on better; tolerate each other at least.

Otherwise, there will be major sensory or social stressors behind the meltdowns.  It's not uncommon for bright autistic kids to hold it together all day at school only to dissolve into overwhelm as soon as they get home.  They've reached saturation point by then. 

I’m not convinced that’s an autism thing so much as a demanding child thing. I mean the thing about autism is autistic children often can’t find the words to express how they feel. And when they try they often get told off for being ‘rude.’ So feelings might end up expressed as violent outbursts a bit more than with other children… but the truth is all brothers fight a bit. It’s just what brothers do.

No he doesn't really go out because he was robbed and it scared him he may go out with his friends once a month. Like I say he's in his room on the computer. Also I take little one out as much as possible as he likes being out in the fresh air. I think he just likes it being him and one other person in the room. 

Ah but it's not just attention. Does he get more freedom? Being older I'd expect so. On top of that he may simply have a better social life? It may not be rational or fair but if he sees his older brother doing well where he struggles that could be the source of some animosity.

Thanks for the advice. No not at all if anything it would be the other way round my oldest son doesn't get much attention because I always have my hands full with the little one. 

Laura said:

he does now play with other children, b4 starting school he never went near another child or spoke to another child

Consider the possibility that this is an elaborate act on his part. That he has discovered that in order to be treated well by others he has to act in a way that does not come naturally to him. That all day at school he is metaphorically wearing a mask. Then at home the mask comes off and all the frustration at a world where he has to pretend to be some one he isn't to be included comes out.

Laura said:

His speech is good but understanding not so good.

Or possibly he understands the words but not the subtext? Not the non verbal communication. He knows what is said but can't read between the lines? That would be pretty textbook autism. Its why you have to be quite direct with autistic people. Hinting at what you mean or trying to be tactful can just cause confusion.

Laura said:

My oldest son spends most of his time in his room anyway on the computer but when he does come out my youngest will attack him. 

Might your son have any reason to resent or feel jealous of his older brother?

Hi Peter, thank you for your reply. I'm new on here. How are you doing?  he does well academically and he does now play with other children, b4 starting school he never went near another child or spoke to another child. His speech is good but understanding not so good. He likes routine. He plays at school but is repetitive and always go back to the same toy. He is a fussy eater due to his sensory.  My oldest son spends most of his time in his room anyway on the computer but when he does come out my youngest will attack him. 

You say he's doing well at school but is that just academically? Is he getting through the school day by keeping his head down keeping to him self and bottling everything up?

I wouldn't be surprised brothers don't get on. Trying to push them together is probably the wrong move. As much as posable try to let them have their own space and own things separate from each other.