Separation

I think that bullying affects everyone in different ways. You probably don't want to resort to violence as a means to solve disputes, and you want peaceful resolution instead.

I grew up Buddhist, however I wish I knew more of it in greater detail, I just know the general things, like to do things in moderation, to meditate, and to pray with incense sticks. I've always had intrusive negative thoughts from trauma when I meditated, and so I chose face those traumas one at a time (bite sized pieces so it's not overwhelming). Which ever one surfaced, was the one I focused on. I believe that you can overcome your trauma and find peace too. 

I'm glad that you chose to help people through setting up a charity for the ND community. That's an amazing feat! I wish you and your son all the best. 

I probably make it sound more dramatic than it was. I was too young to do any damage, and he was much bigger than me tbh, which is probably why it was such a big deal to overcome. But it was my Dad and the Dep.Head Teacher who encouraged me to stand up for myself, so I think I've always really resented being put in that position. Now I'm a Dad, I know it was really bad advice.

I think society just assumes that boys fight, or are content in being physically reactive. But it's really not the case often. If you push anyone into a corner and pressure them enough they will have to defend themselves, that's how I feel about that incident. Enduring bullying has had such an ongoing and profound effect on my personality and self-esteem it's frightening.

Since I was 16 I've considered myself a Buddhist. I read a book by the Dalai Lama and it clicked into place immediately. it's always brought me solace and encouraged a stillness that I can't explain. So that is where my heart has always been content and I quickly developed a practice of none reactivity, however I continue to suffer from intense anxiety in my sleep and nightmares each night.

It's good that you overcame trauma on your own. I don't chant or use a mantra when I meditate, but I have been considering it for years. I think, becoming more comfortable self identifying as Buddhist I might develop the confidence to incorporate that aspect into my practice.

My focus has shifted to helping others more. I had a son, which is of course a huge challenge with ND traits to navigate, but im also trying to setup a charity project to help people wjl are lower functioning. I hope this not only helps me move forward, but can do some good for the ND community.

I no longer fear people like I did, so I hope to use this opening up of my perspective on humanity for a greater good, maybe I'll find some peace there?

Thanks for the input though, I'll consider some of the techniques you suçceeded with

I think that with the bullying situation, it was good that you got the bully to stop bullying you, but you likely became afraid of your own power, that you could do that much damage to someone else. There are people who overextended their power, and then became afraid of what they are capable of doing, and have chosen to hold it back.

At least you realize that you have to be responsible with the power you weld, but perhaps you could explore it more, like by doing martial arts or something, to gain new perspectives from other people, and to find your true capabilities.

I think that the bus is a trigger that automatically links you back to traumatic past memories. I also had triggers and panic attacks. I've tried avoiding them but they just chase you around.

How I overcame my triggers was by using the meditation where repeating a word will make it lose all meaning, I did this with my triggers, until the negativity surfaced and flowed out of me, and until the trigger lost all meaning. Now the same words that used to trigger me, are just neutral, like every other word in the dictionary, and they don't automatically link my mind back to past trauma like they used to.

Of course, this isn't conventional therapy, and although I have decided for myself to trigger my own trauma in order to face it and come to terms with it, it's not like this is something that everyone is ready or even going to ever be willing to do, and in a lot of instances, it's probably best not to. 

That teacher was way out of line when they slammed you and another student by the neck against the wall (and I'm glad they got fired for it). But it likely caused trauma. Perhaps you felt helpless and at the mercy of someone else who was highly violent and aggressive, and who knows what could have happened to you, and you didn't want any future altercations like that ever again.

But sometimes you really want to say something to someone who's out of line, but you wonder if you should, because you don't know if they'll react negatively, and you're afraid of the outcome.

Maybe instead of predicting a bad outcome, just know that the future is unwritten. Try a diplomatic approach when confronting someone, make sure it's a safe location. Some people welcome and appreciate when you've taken the time to voice something that over steps your boundaries, because they had no intention of hurting you.

But of course you always have to be careful when dealing with people, especially with people who cannot tolerate the word no, or any form of negative criticism, cannot accept blame, and who thinks that whatever is yours is automatically theirs. Just stay away from these types of people.

Spot on there. I was.bullied when I was young, and was encouraged to stand up for myself, abut ages 9-11. So one day I was in an English lesson in the library, the kid who bullied me flicked me between the eyes and it made my eyes really water. He laughed and said 'haha look he's crying like a girl'. Embarrassed at the attention on me, I just punched in his general direction and gave him a proper good bloody nose. Just one sharp punch, slam.

He never bullied me again. But, I found the experience so insanely scary and intense. I've never had a fight before or after that episode, but I know it really frightened me.

Also, aged 7, I was on a school trip and on the coach back I needed to stop for a pee. I pleaded with the teachers to let me go but they wouldn't stop, ended up forcing me to pee into a bucket Infront of all the other kids. Never got over that. Can't travel on buses without having panic attacks as an adult.

I also got slammed up against the wall by the neck by a teacher aged 10/11. Me and another lad. Teacher lost his job for it. 

So any kind of confrontation now, I run a mile. Even just the risk of it.

So think you called it right there. Not sure how to remedy it though. Tried counselling, hypnotherapy, and aversion therapy, nothing has worked

I think blokes with ASD find it easier to stay friends - I just fire a simple e-mail every now and then - how's it going?     Anything nice happened?     And I just give a bit of an update about what's happened for us - and as it's usually based around 'things' - there's no feelings or emotions involved - car broke or  built something.

The reply normally adds a bit more details and questions so the conversation grows.      We might not speak for a week or month - but we pick up again like there's been no gaps.

I've done the same thing to be honest. I think there is a tendency to ruminate about the past. I guess you have something holding you back from being able to confront people, which is probably why the situation still vexes you, maybe you question if you did the right thing, but that's just how you coped with social situations back then. Maybe there's some trauma attached to being confrontational towards others, which holds you back from being able to confront people in your life. 

Thanks for your response O. It's not easy ey.

I also have always found it much easier to be friends with women, there's an innate lack of empathy and care amongst guys, nothing nasty (although I've had that as well) but I think often it's about winning in social situations. If they can make themselves come out on top, whether it's in competition, or telling jokes, or one upping your stories, it's a very common pattern I noticed in my childhood and has often driven a stake between any friendships - including those with my older brother and my Dad. We hardly speak and all struggle to do so.

I am very lucky to have a partner who is very good to me, and she is hyper sociable, so I can feel like I have a good social life just by hearing about or being around hers.

I'd just like to resolve these situations myself without needing to seek support for such simple things. 

I hope you can find some contentment in your own interests. I'm an artist, and so all the other artists I know or meet share similar issues even if they aren't on the spectrum. It's a place where being different is valued, so maybe music or art could be a source of solace for you as well?

Hi JT

I'm exactly the same I find it extremely hard to maintain friendships with people and just maintain contact I just never know what to say, I've had one long term relationship for 2 years that ended in September. 

There's a part of that wants to be able to have and maintain friendships but at the same time its just SOOO hard for me to do and because of narrow interest there's not many people I've come across that like the same things as me. I do tend to get on better with girls and women even though I'm a guy they just seem to always be nicer to me.

I can't really give you advice with your problems because I wouldn't know the first thing to do myself lol but hopefully you don't feel so alone and you know you're not the alone one.