Published on 12, July, 2020
Looking back on life I realise that everytime I struggle with a friendship, instead of resolving issues that will take potentially repeated awkward conversations and manoeuvres, I just avoid them and move on.
Does this ring any bells for anyone else? Or is that just specific to me?
One friend in particular turned out to be quite narcissistic, but I hadn't realised for the 2/3 years we were friends. When I realised I moved on quickly, but he continues to chase contact with me not understanding why I vanished. No matter what I do I can't bring myself to confront the situation. That was 10 years ago and still vexes me constantly cycling through my mind.
My partner thinks I just need to deal with it but I can't
Spot on there. I was.bullied when I was young, and was encouraged to stand up for myself, abut ages 9-11. So one day I was in an English lesson in the library, the kid who bullied me flicked me between the eyes and it made my eyes really water. He laughed and said 'haha look he's crying like a girl'. Embarrassed at the attention on me, I just punched in his general direction and gave him a proper good bloody nose. Just one sharp punch, slam.
He never bullied me again. But, I found the experience so insanely scary and intense. I've never had a fight before or after that episode, but I know it really frightened me.
Also, aged 7, I was on a school trip and on the coach back I needed to stop for a pee. I pleaded with the teachers to let me go but they wouldn't stop, ended up forcing me to pee into a bucket Infront of all the other kids. Never got over that. Can't travel on buses without having panic attacks as an adult.
I also got slammed up against the wall by the neck by a teacher aged 10/11. Me and another lad. Teacher lost his job for it.
So any kind of confrontation now, I run a mile. Even just the risk of it.
So think you called it right there. Not sure how to remedy it though. Tried counselling, hypnotherapy, and aversion therapy, nothing has worked
I think that with the bullying situation, it was good that you got the bully to stop bullying you, but you likely became afraid of your own power, that you could do that much damage to someone else. There are people who overextended their power, and then became afraid of what they are capable of doing, and have chosen to hold it back.
At least you realize that you have to be responsible with the power you weld, but perhaps you could explore it more, like by doing martial arts or something, to gain new perspectives from other people, and to find your true capabilities.
I think that the bus is a trigger that automatically links you back to traumatic past memories. I also had triggers and panic attacks. I've tried avoiding them but they just chase you around.
How I overcame my triggers was by using the meditation where repeating a word will make it lose all meaning, I did this with my triggers, until the negativity surfaced and flowed out of me, and until the trigger lost all meaning. Now the same words that used to trigger me, are just neutral, like every other word in the dictionary, and they don't automatically link my mind back to past trauma like they used to.
Of course, this isn't conventional therapy, and although I have decided for myself to trigger my own trauma in order to face it and come to terms with it, it's not like this is something that everyone is ready or even going to ever be willing to do, and in a lot of instances, it's probably best not to.
That teacher was way out of line when they slammed you and another student by the neck against the wall (and I'm glad they got fired for it). But it likely caused trauma. Perhaps you felt helpless and at the mercy of someone else who was highly violent and aggressive, and who knows what could have happened to you, and you didn't want any future altercations like that ever again.
But sometimes you really want to say something to someone who's out of line, but you wonder if you should, because you don't know if they'll react negatively, and you're afraid of the outcome.
Maybe instead of predicting a bad outcome, just know that the future is unwritten. Try a diplomatic approach when confronting someone, make sure it's a safe location. Some people welcome and appreciate when you've taken the time to voice something that over steps your boundaries, because they had no intention of hurting you.
But of course you always have to be careful when dealing with people, especially with people who cannot tolerate the word no, or any form of negative criticism, cannot accept blame, and who thinks that whatever is yours is automatically theirs. Just stay away from these types of people.