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Diagnosed today, but I feel like a fraud

NAS69063

Hello! :)

I am 21, female and was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Condition today.

I have been struggling with social anxiety and depression for years, have never had more than one or two close friends, never understand sarcasm or flirting, I stim (hand flapping, finger flicking, bouncing etc), am obsessed with reading and writing (have written 2 books this year and could spend days alone, daydreaming about my stories), can’t stand sticky textures and have food issues (often meltdown when certain textures mix) among some other things. 

But now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASC I’m worried that they’ve got it wrong. I’ve done lots of research and - compared to autistic youtubers and blogs - I feel like my autism isn’t ‘severe’ enough (I’m not sure which terminology I should use - please correct me if I’m very wrong!!). I can recognise my own emotions and can often recognise joy/sadness etc in others. I loved imaginative play (alone) as a child and most loud noises, lights etc don’t bother me; I don’t mind rowdy concerts etc. I used to have routines as a child but now I have no specific routines or rituals. I’ve always been able to express my emotions and although I definitely mask when I socialise now, I can’t tell whether I was masking as a child. I am scared of eye contact now but my family can’t remember me having this issue as a child. 

Because of all this, I’m worried that the little autistic traits I do have are not valid and that I don’t belong in the autistic community. I thought this diagnosis would be a huge relief and an explanation for my challenges but it’s just left me feeling like a fraud. 

I’d very grateful for any advice or words or comfort, or experiences from anyone else who doesn’t have very many autistic traits/ feels invalid but has still been diagnosed. Thank you!!

  • I recently self diagnosed using the AQ test, but then discovered I was clinically diagnosed at 3, and yep I'm definitely worried about imposter syndrome.

    I recognise loads of my traits in books, although male I just laughed my way through Aspergirls at how similar I was. I'm high functioning and as a teenager and in my 20s I found lots of really good strategies around my problems, so outwardly I pass as a quirky NT but inwardly I identify with the traits and problems. And then there's lots of traits I don't connect with: my stim is super discreet, and I have one I just do in my mind; I can read people's emotions instinctively, tho don't know how to process my own; I have lots of friends and am super social, but rarely feel a connection; I like routines and function better with them but don't need them; I can override a lot of sensory  problems, although I've adapted my life to avoid most; things go unnoticed cos I've found strategies like foods can't touch but everyone just thinks it's a funny Mark quirk; I can do eye contact; I've no idea if I mask or not, or if my normal is normal.

    Whatever, you share a lot of Aspie traits so even if it's a wrong diagnosis then if the community works to support you then take the help you find. We're all here trying to make sense of ourselves, and to find support improving our lives. You're here doing just the same, we share the same objectives as others, so even if it turned out we're not real Aspies, or not Aspie enough, then if we've found help here and given it to others then I figure that's just fine. From what I understand this is a really common response to the early months of diagnosis. Good luck!

  • I believe that there is no clear-cut line between being on the spectrum or not and that many of us including me are similar to you with just some of the more mild traits on the borderline. We are all different and don't need to tick the box for every trait of autism. When I got my diagnosis I felt like I had to exagurate some of my traits after my GP was relunctant to put me forward for it

  • feeling a fraud ?

    When i was diagnosed I felt like this for a while and still do sometimes. I have met severe autistic people and didnt think I was anywhere close.

    How have I got through university, married, kids without noticing something so major ? They cant be right! I thought I had social anxiety which I was going to address.  

    Just take it easy for a month or so. You will be mentally wobbly for a while, so keep yourself busy but dont overwork. I mean , only think about your diagnosis for short periods, dont get hung up on it, let it sink in slowly.  Threat/ be nice to yourself. You have been through alot. 

    On reflection, one year after diagnosis I now feel they where right.  There were details I simply wasnt noticing some of my behaviour. Its nothing bad, in fact, now you know something u didnt a week ago. 

    You will feel better about yourself because you now know why you stim, why you meltdown, have anxiety, and depression.

    So if you have a meltdown, u havent done anything wrong thats just you. If you stim let it be, thats just you. 

    keep up the writing. 

    https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/ni-teen-dara-mcanulty-wins-wainwright-prize-for-his-nature-diary-39515700.html

    Welcome to this forumn. Enjoy yourself. Give yourself a name and join in any of the topics here

    Heart

  • We've all been there :) i am happy telling people I have Aspergers, not really happy with the Autism label. You certainly have the classic Asperger traits. I don't flap my hands or fingers but in stressful situations, I bend and squeeze my fingers - I also tap on things aswell.

    You have a diagnosis from a Professional that knows what they are doing, so have faith in that and accept your condition as reality. That way you can move on and seek help, if aspects of ASD are effecting your daily routine.

    You are lucky in that you are still young and there is more help available these days :) :)

  • Self-doubt is natural. But we all understand. My conditions aren't 'severe' either, for example.

    You are among friends here. Welcome!