Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello! :)
I am 21, female and was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Condition today.
I have been struggling with social anxiety and depression for years, have never had more than one or two close friends, never understand sarcasm or flirting, I stim (hand flapping, finger flicking, bouncing etc), am obsessed with reading and writing (have written 2 books this year and could spend days alone, daydreaming about my stories), can’t stand sticky textures and have food issues (often meltdown when certain textures mix) among some other things.
But now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASC I’m worried that they’ve got it wrong. I’ve done lots of research and - compared to autistic youtubers and blogs - I feel like my autism isn’t ‘severe’ enough (I’m not sure which terminology I should use - please correct me if I’m very wrong!!). I can recognise my own emotions and can often recognise joy/sadness etc in others. I loved imaginative play (alone) as a child and most loud noises, lights etc don’t bother me; I don’t mind rowdy concerts etc. I used to have routines as a child but now I have no specific routines or rituals. I’ve always been able to express my emotions and although I definitely mask when I socialise now, I can’t tell whether I was masking as a child. I am scared of eye contact now but my family can’t remember me having this issue as a child.
Because of all this, I’m worried that the little autistic traits I do have are not valid and that I don’t belong in the autistic community. I thought this diagnosis would be a huge relief and an explanation for my challenges but it’s just left me feeling like a fraud.
I’d very grateful for any advice or words or comfort, or experiences from anyone else who doesn’t have very many autistic traits/ feels invalid but has still been diagnosed. Thank you!!
feeling a fraud ?
When i was diagnosed I felt like this for a while and still do sometimes. I have met severe autistic people and didnt think I was anywhere close.
How have I got through university, married, kids without noticing something so major ? They cant be right! I thought I had social anxiety which I was going to address.
Just take it easy for a month or so. You will be mentally wobbly for a while, so keep yourself busy but dont overwork. I mean , only think about your diagnosis for short periods, dont get hung up on it, let it sink in slowly. Threat/ be nice to yourself. You have been through alot.
On reflection, one year after diagnosis I now feel they where right. There were details I simply wasnt noticing some of my behaviour. Its nothing bad, in fact, now you know something u didnt a week ago.
You will feel better about yourself because you now know why you stim, why you meltdown, have anxiety, and depression.
So if you have a meltdown, u havent done anything wrong thats just you. If you stim let it be, thats just you.
keep up the writing.
https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/ni-teen-dara-mcanulty-wins-wainwright-prize-for-his-nature-diary-39515700.html
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