Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello! :)
I am 21, female and was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Condition today.
I have been struggling with social anxiety and depression for years, have never had more than one or two close friends, never understand sarcasm or flirting, I stim (hand flapping, finger flicking, bouncing etc), am obsessed with reading and writing (have written 2 books this year and could spend days alone, daydreaming about my stories), can’t stand sticky textures and have food issues (often meltdown when certain textures mix) among some other things.
But now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASC I’m worried that they’ve got it wrong. I’ve done lots of research and - compared to autistic youtubers and blogs - I feel like my autism isn’t ‘severe’ enough (I’m not sure which terminology I should use - please correct me if I’m very wrong!!). I can recognise my own emotions and can often recognise joy/sadness etc in others. I loved imaginative play (alone) as a child and most loud noises, lights etc don’t bother me; I don’t mind rowdy concerts etc. I used to have routines as a child but now I have no specific routines or rituals. I’ve always been able to express my emotions and although I definitely mask when I socialise now, I can’t tell whether I was masking as a child. I am scared of eye contact now but my family can’t remember me having this issue as a child.
Because of all this, I’m worried that the little autistic traits I do have are not valid and that I don’t belong in the autistic community. I thought this diagnosis would be a huge relief and an explanation for my challenges but it’s just left me feeling like a fraud.
I’d very grateful for any advice or words or comfort, or experiences from anyone else who doesn’t have very many autistic traits/ feels invalid but has still been diagnosed. Thank you!!
I had a similar problem after I was diagnosed. For the first few hours I was relieved. Then I just started thinking about it too much and started thinking, "I'm not autistic! I'm just weak!' I'm not 'mild' but considered 'moderate' but considering what severe autism can look like I feel like a fraud to call myself moderate. But then I see milder people who do seem to function so much better than me and I go back to thinking, 'hmmm I guess the diagnosis is right!' I still go back and forth on it. One thing that annoys me is that it could be interpreted as subjective who gets a diagnosis. Because it's not like there is a bloodtest that proves you do have the thing you get diagnosed with. I like things with concrete evidence so it does drive me a bit crazy. But then I often don't understand so called 'concrete' evidence either so I drive myself crazy never knowing what to believe.