Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello! :)
I am 21, female and was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Condition today.
I have been struggling with social anxiety and depression for years, have never had more than one or two close friends, never understand sarcasm or flirting, I stim (hand flapping, finger flicking, bouncing etc), am obsessed with reading and writing (have written 2 books this year and could spend days alone, daydreaming about my stories), can’t stand sticky textures and have food issues (often meltdown when certain textures mix) among some other things.
But now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASC I’m worried that they’ve got it wrong. I’ve done lots of research and - compared to autistic youtubers and blogs - I feel like my autism isn’t ‘severe’ enough (I’m not sure which terminology I should use - please correct me if I’m very wrong!!). I can recognise my own emotions and can often recognise joy/sadness etc in others. I loved imaginative play (alone) as a child and most loud noises, lights etc don’t bother me; I don’t mind rowdy concerts etc. I used to have routines as a child but now I have no specific routines or rituals. I’ve always been able to express my emotions and although I definitely mask when I socialise now, I can’t tell whether I was masking as a child. I am scared of eye contact now but my family can’t remember me having this issue as a child.
Because of all this, I’m worried that the little autistic traits I do have are not valid and that I don’t belong in the autistic community. I thought this diagnosis would be a huge relief and an explanation for my challenges but it’s just left me feeling like a fraud.
I’d very grateful for any advice or words or comfort, or experiences from anyone else who doesn’t have very many autistic traits/ feels invalid but has still been diagnosed. Thank you!!
Hey! I'm the exact same - just been diagnosed at 26 and I feel like if I tell people now that because I've got a degree / hold down a full time job etc that people will say I'm not autistic enough. I honestly didn't think I'd get the diagnosis because I thought that it was all in my head and I've been put on antidepressants and beta blockers for anxiety and depression prior to getting diagnosed.
I was only diagnosed on Friday so if you want a chat then let me know because I definitely feel the exact same as you at the moment
Hi,
What you say is so familiar! Most neuro typicals think autism is about little boys lining up all their toy cars! I very selectively disclose my diagnosis and invariable get the "you don't look autistic" or " you can't tell". I've completed the The Skills Network Level II Understanding Autism Course and it was SO informative that it makes me realise so few neuro typicals understand anything about autism and what they think they know is stereotypical - so I wouldn't take too much notice about what they say. Maybe ask them what their understanding of autism is - but don't expect a long answer!!
I have 2 degrees but work part-time as full-time would drive me to depression in a short time. I am frequently in a state of anxiety at work and have had time off work with anxiety at least 3 times in my career. I didn't know I was autistic then. Knowing I am and understanding more about autism, allows me to ask for reasonable adjustments, so i'm confident i can avoid that pattern now. If you read the Nice Guidelines for Autism it does say we are characterised by frequent changes of job and inability or short relationships. I think both of those result from trying to avoid the anxiety and stress. Is that your experience?
As regards stimming (The-leg), I noticed I repeatedly rub the side of my fingernails, if there is an uneven ridge, even better. I try to keep my hands hidden under the table so know one can see! If not at work and wearing jewellery, twisting a ring around my finger if perfect stimming! Isn't that what jewellery is for??
Have you tried essential oils for anxiety and depression? I use them around the home and topically when at work. I really love having these smells around me (must be autistic!) and I do think they help.
Exactly! I think a lot of the information that people read relates to boys in particular so then women don't fit some of the characteristics! Yeah the fact I do my makeup and straighten my hair means I must not be autistic?! the skills network? I'll have a little look into it! I'm on the hunt for courses / informational books or websites etc to increase my understanding. Even my parents - my younger brother is autistic and he is more 'typical' autistic so they never considered I would be because I mask so much! So I was left to cope and he got all of the support.
I've had time off due to anxiety from work - it was when there was a big change and I just did not cope with it! But day to day my routine at work is pretty similar and especially now with covid restrictions, we can't have staff meetings or meet in groups which means I'm left to do my own thing which I am loving. I didn't know I was autistic when I had my time off either and I thought it was just that I wasn't as strong as other people and that was why I was having a meltdown about it all. I thought it was a personal weakness and my own fault which now I realise it wasn't.
Relationship wise yes! I've not been in a relationship for 6 years because nothing ever progresses that far. I just thought I was destined to be alone and started to worry because I do actually want kids. But now I get that I just need to meet someone who is understanding of the different things I find difficult about relationships.
Rings! I am obsessed with wearing rings and necklaces that I can either twist or mess with! I am constantly pulling my rings off and on again - especially one I wear on my thumb. I do it mindlessly without even realising I'm doing it most of the time which now makes so much sense. (It definitely is what jewellery is for - people who just put it on and leave it are the weird ones!)
I haven't! I've tried incense and I really enjoy having that in my house but I'll definitely give essential oils a go!