Feeling exhausted

CJ115 said:

I hope you are feeling better this evening, and that your appointment went well.  I am sorry you are feeling so low, but his can be beaten.

You mention above that you could not do what I have done, but this may sound cliche; I promise you if someone had said these are the things I would face over 5 years, (there has also been loads more prior, but this has nothing to do with the key subject), I would have laughed in your face, and I would have rolled over and given up.

Everything that has happened, I have fought, but that does not meen I didn't stumble along the way, or cry and falter.  There have been so many times that I didn't think I could do it, but we do, because we can all face adversity and get through the other side.

You are and have been for a long time, a carer (this is draining!) I also don't think you realise how much of an impact your upbringing has had on you - join another forum regarding AA issues, you may have more in common with other people that have been through what you have, you can be honest with them about issues that have happened.

 I was bullied all of my life and I have the mental scars to prove it, I feel worthless, but I have to rise above it and I will, otherwise they won.

You have been very honest above and that has taken some severe courage and I may not know you, but I am proud, it is the first step to recovery.  I have had to have several boughts of Physco therapy, my words may come across as a strong person now, but I assure you I have been to hell and back mentally.

I can totally relate to your mum, and it is incredibly hard, the times I just wanted my husband to be admitted, and I felt awful, but I couldn't cope with him, his needs were too great.  In one 365 day period, we had 96 seperate visits to hospital, that was a very busy year!

Can you explain more about your condition? You state ASC, but I do not know what that actually entails, still getting used to all of this stuff.

I am trying to stick to the rules, but I am worried about you, so what hobbies do you have, maybe you can think about something like this, I must admit though this would have been useless to me as I never had time to blink let alone a hobby! Do you have freinds nearby you can talk to?

I think you need to try and get a care plan for your mum, speak to the Gp about her needs, you may need an Occupational Therapist.  All of these things are difficult and you do have to fight for them, but it is worth it in the end.

You mention your brother, does he really help or are you making excuses? Does he really know how much you do and how desperate you feel? My husbands brother lives 400+ miles away, he did nothing I was looking out for my mother-in-law, doing what I could and caring for my children and husband.  I think he visited twice once to take his things from her house after she died! (Sorry I think I am sounding harsh, probably venting at the wrong person!)

Please don't feel like giving up. Tell me more about your condition.

speak to you soon

CJ

Thanks again, CJ.

The doctor has signed me off for two weeks.  I told her I wasn't interested in anti-depressants, and she seemed sympathetic to this idea.  She's also asked me to have a blood test to check the cause of these aches and pains.

I had another emergency call in the night.  Mum's started another rheumatoid flare-up and she was in too much pain to get up.  The paramedics said she didn't need to go to hospital, though, and she seems a little more comfortable today, with strong pain-killers.  I'm going around there again now to get her her breakfast, etc.

I was diagnosed with Adult ASC - or Asperger's.  My difficulties through life have generally been with social communication.  I've never been able to make or keep friends, or sustain relationships.  I don't 'get' a lot of body language.  I can't maintain eye contact - not even with people I know well, such as family.  Lots of other things.  It's generally all led to an anxious person, who copes - but not always as well as other people.

My brother does his bit, but not really enough.  Most of it - medication, appointments, day-to-day organising - is left to me.  He has his own problems, too, with his wife's ill-health.  He's on holiday at the moment.  Coincidentally, everything started going wrong again with mum on Sunday - the day he left.  So I can't turn to anyone else at the moment.  I've got to think about things like Power of Attorney soon.  I need the space to deal with it all.  At least I have these two weeks.

NAS17321 said:

Hi Martian Tom,

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. We hope you’re okay.

If you need any further support, The Samaritans provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

All the best,

Nellie-Mod

Thank you, Nellie.  I appreciate your thoughts.

I hope you are feeling better this evening, and that your appointment went well.  I am sorry you are feeling so low, but his can be beaten.

You mention above that you could not do what I have done, but this may sound cliche; I promise you if someone had said these are the things I would face over 5 years, (there has also been loads more prior, but this has nothing to do with the key subject), I would have laughed in your face, and I would have rolled over and given up.

Everything that has happened, I have fought, but that does not meen I didn't stumble along the way, or cry and falter.  There have been so many times that I didn't think I could do it, but we do, because we can all face adversity and get through the other side.

You are and have been for a long time, a carer (this is draining!) I also don't think you realise how much of an impact your upbringing has had on you - join another forum regarding AA issues, you may have more in common with other people that have been through what you have, you can be honest with them about issues that have happened.

 I was bullied all of my life and I have the mental scars to prove it, I feel worthless, but I have to rise above it and I will, otherwise they won.

You have been very honest above and that has taken some severe courage and I may not know you, but I am proud, it is the first step to recovery.  I have had to have several boughts of Physco therapy, my words may come across as a strong person now, but I assure you I have been to hell and back mentally.

I can totally relate to your mum, and it is incredibly hard, the times I just wanted my husband to be admitted, and I felt awful, but I couldn't cope with him, his needs were too great.  In one 365 day period, we had 96 seperate visits to hospital, that was a very busy year!

Can you explain more about your condition? You state ASC, but I do not know what that actually entails, still getting used to all of this stuff.

I am trying to stick to the rules, but I am worried about you, so what hobbies do you have, maybe you can think about something like this, I must admit though this would have been useless to me as I never had time to blink let alone a hobby! Do you have freinds nearby you can talk to?

I think you need to try and get a care plan for your mum, speak to the Gp about her needs, you may need an Occupational Therapist.  All of these things are difficult and you do have to fight for them, but it is worth it in the end.

You mention your brother, does he really help or are you making excuses? Does he really know how much you do and how desperate you feel? My husbands brother lives 400+ miles away, he did nothing I was looking out for my mother-in-law, doing what I could and caring for my children and husband.  I think he visited twice once to take his things from her house after she died! (Sorry I think I am sounding harsh, probably venting at the wrong person!)

Please don't feel like giving up. Tell me more about your condition.

speak to you soon

CJ

Hi Martian Tom,

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. We hope you’re okay.

If you need any further support, The Samaritans provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org.

All the best,

Nellie-Mod

CJ115 said:

The first thing you need is a sick note! - You are entiltled to one.  When you see the GP explain that you do not want to be medicated, this is your choice.  If you have some time to recoup you may feel better about yourself.

I must admit, I have not read everything above in great detail, but I did notice you say you have been drinking to help.  That has got to be a bad plan.  Nothing good can come of being in your exhausted state of mind and adding drink to it.

The walk sounded good.

I can totally relate to the exhaustion if not from a different way round to you; I will try to keep it brief, but it is difficult to make the point without the detail;

I used to work 60+ hrs a week, my husband about the same. 2012 Jan. my husband had a heart attack and triple bypass (46 days in hospital due to major post op internal infection). Bang - I became a carer.  My three year old (Jane) was a very very difficult child and everything took ten times longer than it should. I had to sell our house as we both lost our jobs (technically I resigned, but basically pushed (I was stupid!) I had to move us into rented accomodation, packing and moving everything when my husband as in hopital.

It took my husband one year to recover and during this time we chose to have our son, just after he was born, my husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.  I now had a difficult 4 year old, a new baby and a husband on 9 weeks seriously intense chemo followed by an Oesophagectomy and another 9 weeks chemo.  He started at 15 stone and was by the end of these few months just 6.5 st.  He soon needed 5 weeks solid radiotherapy, during which his mother passed away. 

My husband's only sibling lived about 400 miles away and left everything to me.  Their house was packed to the rafters and it took me months on my own to sort it out (4 x 8yd skips, plus loads of other stuff!).  My husband was back in hopsital with a giant kidney stone and emergency bowel surgery.  I had to sell the house as that is what his brother wanted, he just wanted his money. We had wanted the house - but couldn't raise the money quick enough. 

My daughter's behaviour was increasingly bad and I was now pursueing the Autism diagnosis which I had believed she had needed since she was one.

My husband had a further two lots of chemo and thanks to his mum we were able to purchase a proprty of our own.  It needed lots of work, so I have built the kitchen, the bathroom (mostly), ripped loads of stuff up, stripped walls and loads of other things.  My husbands health deteriorated and he couldn't take anymore, passing away in May 2016.

About 10 days ago, I received the diagnosis confirmation I had been waiting for, my daughter is Autistic. (she also threatened me with a bring earlier on, so that was great!)

Stress, exhaustion and tiredness are very much part of the package as a carer.  I do not know what your day to day difficulties are for yourself, but it must be difficult and I really do feel for you.

I damaged my knee a couple of years ago, pushing my son in his buggy and pulling my husband in a wheelchair.  I couldn't walk for nearly eight months. But there was only me to do it, so I kept carrying on.  I finally had surgery in July, but I still can't walk properly yet as it is taking forever and a day to heal!

You must get some time off work! Get some help from anyone who will offer it.  I didn't really have that option, and felt no one was really there for me, I was completely alone.

Things are becoming a little easier for me, but I would give everything back again to have my mother-in-law and husband back.

I still don't sleep well, generally a 3am person, but then I wake up late to take the kids to school. Every day is a difficult battle, but I am hanging on in there and you must too.

You don't have to have a diagnosis of something to find life hard. A carers life is difficult in itself.  You must get that sick note (ask for one month), they might give you two weeks.  Don't forget, you are entitled to sick pay!

I once worked at a company where one member of staff always had their days of and every sick day they were entitled to every year!  At least your reasons are valid.

You are sleeping all day because you are probably tired! - this is also very normal!

Keep us posted how you get on, sorry for the ramblings, I only have children to talk to.

I noticed mentions of claims?

If you have a diagnosis you should be entilted to PIP. If you care for someone, they may be entitled to PIP and your carers allowance.  Also (a strange one here!) but if you are entilted to PIP then dependent on your mums needs, she may be entitled to carers allowance for you! (I have heard of several family members all receiving PIPs and Carers for each other becuase they do different things for each other.) I can explain more if you want?

I only know as we had spent years not being entitled to things and finally had help with claiming.

like you said, housing benefit is good, ESA (employment support allowance) and PIP are seperate. you may also be entitled to council tax credit.  

Also if you do decide to claim, explain you want them backdated. REASON - you were not aware you could claim.  We were rebated over £4k in a time when we had every bill owned for months.  I actually broke down and cried.  It is very possible to live on benefits and drive, especially if you do not smoke.

We were very frugal, but we had enough money to pay all of our bills and have two children.  As soon as my youngest is older I will go back to work, but he is only 3 and too be honest I need a rest!

Sorry, still rambling.

Take care, hope you feel better soon.

Hi CJ,

It's humbling to read what you've written here.  I honestly don't know where you've found the strength to manage all of this.  To say that you need a rest is an understatement.  All that loss, pain and suffering - and somehow you've found the resources to get through it.  I'm truly sorry for your losses.

In comparison, what I'm going through feels almost insignificant.  But we all bear these things in our own way, and some have a greater capacity for coping than others.  Personally, I'd have buckled a long time ago with what you've had to deal with.  But I thank you for your time and understanding with this.

Until I had my diagnosis of ASC last year (at age 56), I'd spent most of my life wondering what on earth was wrong with me: why I couldn't either seem to be like or get on with other people; why, in any type of situation involving others (at school, work, and at home), I'd always felt like an oddment or a misfit.  I tried to find my way in, but never succeeded.  So, since about the age of 6 or 7, anxiety has been my default condition.  All of this finally caught up with me in my early 30s, when my depressions started.  At the end of my 30s, and following a colossal breakdown triggered by bullying at work, I met the woman of my dreams and we were married.  But I couldn't make it work, no matter how I tried.  When it ended, five years later, I was adrift again.  Since that time (and before it), I've managed on a frugal existence: minimum-wage jobs, tiny low-rent flats, etc.  But I've always kept my head above water.  My childhood experiences - an alcoholic (though loving) father, lots of disruption and moving around, lots of living on the breadline - left me with a pathological fear of debt and insecurity.  So I've made adjustments to my life along the way, ensuring that I've always been able to keep in the black, no matter what.  This is why I can happily get by, as I do now, on a yearly net income of under £1,000 a month.  I have no luxuries or holidays, but I manage to pay the rent and all bills without recourse to benefits.  The only time I've ever claimed anything is when I've either been unemployed, or off work due to ill-health.  Don't get me wrong, though - it isn't about anything as silly as pride.  I'm glad the welfare system is there for people who need it, and for me if I need it.  I'm more than happy to pay my taxes to support it.  One of the very few things that makes me proud of this country is our welfare system.  I leave the tales of 'scroungers' to the fantasies of right-wing tabloid paper editors and their readers.

In 2010, as a result of both work-related stress (I was working in care and witnessing awful abuse, but didn't know what to do about it) and a difficult relationship with a controlling and manipulative woman, I had a suicidal breakdown.  All I'll say is that I was lucky to survive it.  Since that time, and until 2 years ago, life has been precarious: a long period on ESA, drink problems, difficulties in getting back into work.  I did some voluntary work for a while, then secured a part-time job in a supermarket, then managed for a while working from home.  Then, in February, I managed to get back into full-time work again - and once again, in the care sector, working with learning disabilities.  I love this work.  It has kept me grounded until now.  But recently, as detailed in my original post, I've been struggling with it.  It's a combination of stuff: my mum's failing health and my care responsibilities towards her, work stresses with routine changes and with having to deal with challenging clients... and my life feeling like it's finally catching up with me and overtaking me.  I feel like I'm just going through the motions, and barely coping with it.  This may sound silly, but if it wasn't for mum and for my cat, I think I'd crash.  My responsibilities keep me going.  But I'm beginning to feel that I'm losing my grip on those, too.

On Friday, I went with mum to the local MH hospital for an initial assessment regarding her rapidly-increasing (since last year) cognitive impairment.  Apart from that, we had a good day.  I took her to lunch afterwards, and came home feeling a little more settled.  Over the weekend, though, she became ill again.  Yesterday, she rang me as I was on my way to work to say that she was feeling unwell and was calling an ambulance.  I took the day off to be with her.  She didn't have to go to hospital in the end, but was poorly all day.  I helped her with her meds, prepared her some meals, etc.  When I left her yesterday evening, she seemed settled.  Today, though, she rang me again.  She was feeling worse.  More diahorrea - plus the start of a rheumatoid flare-up.  I called work again to say I wouldn't be in and went around there.  Again, an ambulance was called.  Again, they've left her at home and we're waiting for another visit from the doctor.

From one day to the next, I don't know what's going to happen with her.  Her health has been on a rollercoaster for some time now.  I'm going back around there at lunchtime to get her some food and check on how she is.  I'm feeling torn, though, between my caring responsibilities and the fact that I have to work.  I can't keep taking time off.  I need to sustain this employment.  But I can't turn my back on her.  Like I said, she's all I have left, really.  My brother does what he can, but he's away on holiday for the next two weeks, and he has his own problems with his wife (just diagnosed with a serious heart condition and awaiting surgery).

I'm seeing my GP this evening and will do as you say, because I think it's the only way I'll be able to manage.  But I haven't been in this job long, and will only get full pay for sickness for 2 weeks.  I don't have any savings, and can't - for my own mental well-being - afford to fall behind financially. I'll follow up on PIPs, as you say.

I've always managed before.  But now, I'm struggling to manage.  I don't want anyone to come along and bail me out - basically, to surrender - but I may not have any choice soon.  There's only so much all of us can take.  And I'm no longer sure where my limit is, or how close it is.

Thanks again for your thoughts and regards.  I hope things turn out well for you.

Tom

The first thing you need is a sick note! - You are entiltled to one.  When you see the GP explain that you do not want to be medicated, this is your choice.  If you have some time to recoup you may feel better about yourself.

I must admit, I have not read everything above in great detail, but I did notice you say you have been drinking to help.  That has got to be a bad plan.  Nothing good can come of being in your exhausted state of mind and adding drink to it.

The walk sounded good.

I can totally relate to the exhaustion if not from a different way round to you; I will try to keep it brief, but it is difficult to make the point without the detail;

I used to work 60+ hrs a week, my husband about the same. 2012 Jan. my husband had a heart attack and triple bypass (46 days in hospital due to major post op internal infection). Bang - I became a carer.  My three year old (Jane) was a very very difficult child and everything took ten times longer than it should. I had to sell our house as we both lost our jobs (technically I resigned, but basically pushed (I was stupid!) I had to move us into rented accomodation, packing and moving everything when my husband as in hopital.

It took my husband one year to recover and during this time we chose to have our son, just after he was born, my husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.  I now had a difficult 4 year old, a new baby and a husband on 9 weeks seriously intense chemo followed by an Oesophagectomy and another 9 weeks chemo.  He started at 15 stone and was by the end of these few months just 6.5 st.  He soon needed 5 weeks solid radiotherapy, during which his mother passed away. 

My husband's only sibling lived about 400 miles away and left everything to me.  Their house was packed to the rafters and it took me months on my own to sort it out (4 x 8yd skips, plus loads of other stuff!).  My husband was back in hopsital with a giant kidney stone and emergency bowel surgery.  I had to sell the house as that is what his brother wanted, he just wanted his money. We had wanted the house - but couldn't raise the money quick enough. 

My daughter's behaviour was increasingly bad and I was now pursueing the Autism diagnosis which I had believed she had needed since she was one.

My husband had a further two lots of chemo and thanks to his mum we were able to purchase a proprty of our own.  It needed lots of work, so I have built the kitchen, the bathroom (mostly), ripped loads of stuff up, stripped walls and loads of other things.  My husbands health deteriorated and he couldn't take anymore, passing away in May 2016.

About 10 days ago, I received the diagnosis confirmation I had been waiting for, my daughter is Autistic. (she also threatened me with a bring earlier on, so that was great!)

Stress, exhaustion and tiredness are very much part of the package as a carer.  I do not know what your day to day difficulties are for yourself, but it must be difficult and I really do feel for you.

I damaged my knee a couple of years ago, pushing my son in his buggy and pulling my husband in a wheelchair.  I couldn't walk for nearly eight months. But there was only me to do it, so I kept carrying on.  I finally had surgery in July, but I still can't walk properly yet as it is taking forever and a day to heal!

You must get some time off work! Get some help from anyone who will offer it.  I didn't really have that option, and felt no one was really there for me, I was completely alone.

Things are becoming a little easier for me, but I would give everything back again to have my mother-in-law and husband back.

I still don't sleep well, generally a 3am person, but then I wake up late to take the kids to school. Every day is a difficult battle, but I am hanging on in there and you must too.

You don't have to have a diagnosis of something to find life hard. A carers life is difficult in itself.  You must get that sick note (ask for one month), they might give you two weeks.  Don't forget, you are entitled to sick pay!

I once worked at a company where one member of staff always had their days of and every sick day they were entitled to every year!  At least your reasons are valid.

You are sleeping all day because you are probably tired! - this is also very normal!

Keep us posted how you get on, sorry for the ramblings, I only have children to talk to.

I noticed mentions of claims?

If you have a diagnosis you should be entilted to PIP. If you care for someone, they may be entitled to PIP and your carers allowance.  Also (a strange one here!) but if you are entilted to PIP then dependent on your mums needs, she may be entitled to carers allowance for you! (I have heard of several family members all receiving PIPs and Carers for each other becuase they do different things for each other.) I can explain more if you want?

I only know as we had spent years not being entitled to things and finally had help with claiming.

like you said, housing benefit is good, ESA (employment support allowance) and PIP are seperate. you may also be entitled to council tax credit.  

Also if you do decide to claim, explain you want them backdated. REASON - you were not aware you could claim.  We were rebated over £4k in a time when we had every bill owned for months.  I actually broke down and cried.  It is very possible to live on benefits and drive, especially if you do not smoke.

We were very frugal, but we had enough money to pay all of our bills and have two children.  As soon as my youngest is older I will go back to work, but he is only 3 and too be honest I need a rest!

Sorry, still rambling.

Take care, hope you feel better soon.

AddieThree said:

You feel taken aback at work going back on their word to you when an agreement was being made?  - it feels like a slap in the face?  All you're hearing is verbiage?  it's understandable you feel the way you describe in your post.

Ii's great that your Mum has someone like you, she must treasure you, but it isn't an easy time for you - it's hard for you on some levels that your parent is unwell and wobbly.

you're going through this turmoil and pain - you write beautifully - do you think at some stage in the future you might consider getting a literary agent?  I hope you have more peace and happiness.

Thanks, AddieThree.

Regarding agents... I've had some interested in the past - including one of the major London agencies.  But they don't really want what I write because it isn't commercial enough.  Last year, I had an agent representing me for my children's stories.  But he took all of the illustrations out... and, surprise surprise, all of the publishing houses who responded said they wanted illustrations.  He refused, saying he thought the 'descriptive passages' he'd edited in were enough.

Needless to say, I dropped him.

I do it myself now, with things like Amazon Kindle uploads.  Many other frustrated writers are doing the same, and sometimes succeeding.

These people want product.  Furthermore, they want you to write what they want you to write.  I'm not going to turn a novel about a man recovering from mental illness into a 'titillating thriller', or throw in a bit of sex and violence, just to please these people.

You feel taken aback at work going back on their word to you when an agreement was being made?  - it feels like a slap in the face?  All you're hearing is verbiage?  it's understandable you feel the way you describe in your post.

Ii's great that your Mum has someone like you, she must treasure you, but it isn't an easy time for you - it's hard for you on some levels that your parent is unwell and wobbly.

you're going through this turmoil and pain - you write beautifully - do you think at some stage in the future you might consider getting a literary agent?  I hope you have more peace and happiness.

Martian Tom said:

  And, when I get time, I'm working on a memoir about growing up with my then unknown condition (working title: The Life of Me).  Here's the opening, if you're interested...

Hi Tom

Thanks for the snippet, it is interesting and engaging, keep it going.

Martian Tom said:

I've not considered that, Random, and I'm not sure I'd qualify.  But I'll check it out.  Thank you for the suggestion.  I'm having a carer's assessment on the 19th, so I'll discuss some things then about coping, etc.

It feels so much worse today.  I've no motivation for anything.  I've spent much of the afternoon sleeping, and that's about all I feel like doing.  I don't see any point in doing anything else.

Not been as bleak as this for a long time.  I'll try going out for a walk.

Called in sick this morning.  I hate doing that without good reason.  But I can't face it today.

Going to see my GP tomorrow.

I've not considered that, Random, and I'm not sure I'd qualify.  But I'll check it out.  Thank you for the suggestion.  I'm having a carer's assessment on the 19th, so I'll discuss some things then about coping, etc.

It feels so much worse today.  I've no motivation for anything.  I've spent much of the afternoon sleeping, and that's about all I feel like doing.  I don't see any point in doing anything else.

Not been as bleak as this for a long time.  I'll try going out for a walk.

Hi Tom,

I can relate very much to what you have said in your opening post, for many years I have been totally exhausted after work. My work is not physical, but is mentally draining, it still makes me feel physically exhausted. I just got caught up in this to the point I would not be going out or doing anything for pleasure. Just this endless cycle work, eat, sleep. I now feel part of that was down to depression, which I was in denial that I was suffering from. I have some freedom from that now, but it very difficult; I still regularly fall alseep on the sofa soon after I get in the door back from work.

Just wondering if you have looked in to claiming Personal Independence Payments for yourself ?

Random

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and generous comments.

I'm not good at accepting compliments, Aspergerix, but thank you for yours.  Right back since I was a kid, writing has been my only way of making sense of the world, and only later did I learn that it's also my way of communicating with the world, too.  To be honest, without it life would be an empty shell.  But it isn't always easy to do.  I go through periods when there are no words there, and that's when it becomes particularly bad.  I'm so pleased to know that it can be used to help other people, though, and that gives me both encouragement and confidence.  Thank you.

Yes, change is always an issue.  In many ways, when I was 'sick' from work for a couple of years following my breakdown, my writing flourished.  It was during that time that I wrote my novel, plus most of my short stories.  For the first time in my life, despite the precarious nature of my income and condition, I felt settled and safe.  A monastery, or something like, would suit me well.  Then, like the scribes of old - illuminating their manuscripts - I could write in freedom and peace.  Alas, that won't happen unless I have some success - or when I retire.

I've not read that book, but I know of it.  I've always liked Alvin Toffler's programmes, so I'll get a copy of that book on your recommendation.

Incidentally, I'm thinking about an Aspie blog.  And, when I get time, I'm working on a memoir about growing up with my then unknown condition (working title: The Life of Me).  Here's the opening, if you're interested...

*

I was born on 12th May 1959.  Mum had me at home, in the back bedroom of the house she and dad were sharing with my maternal grandmother in Putney.  Dad was there at the birth, as was nan.   My brother Russell was there, too.  He'd just finished breakfast and was off to get the bus to school when mum's waters burst, so they'd kept him home. 

Apparently, it was a sweltering day - just as it had been in those last few weeks of mum's pregnancy - which hadn't made it a comfortable time for her.  I weighed into the world at nine-pounds two-ounces.  It must have been a relief for her to get me out.    

Around about the time she went into labour, Capital Airlines Flight 983 from Buffalo to Atlanta skidded off the runway and crashed whilst landing in Charleston, West Virginia, killing two of the forty-four people on board.  Then, less than an hour later - about the time dad and nan between them were bringing me into the world, with mum's cries echoing out of the open window and across the back yards of the neighbours - Capital Airlines Flight 75, en route from New York to Atlanta, disintegrated at five-thousand feet and crashed near Chase, Maryland, killing all thirty-one people on board.  It was the first time that two planes from the same airline had ever crashed on the same day.  It makes me wonder... if there is a God (which I've grown to doubt), he must have been too preoccupied with me and the hundreds of thousands of others born all over the world that day to pay much attention to Capital Airlines flights.  As on many other occasions, before and since, He had His eye off the ball.  A few momentary lapses of attention.  That's all it takes.  But I suppose it's all about checks and balances.  Give some, take some.

The only other newsworthy thing that happened that day - and, as far as I can reckon it, around the time that mum was first cradling me to her *** and dad was thinking about heading to The Coat and Badge to wet the baby's head - was that Eddie Fisher got married to Elizabeth Taylor, just hours after getting his divorce from Debbie Reynolds.

 The Queen was in Buckingham Palace.  Harold MacMillan was in Number 10.  Eisenhower was in the White House and Khrushchev was in the Kremlin.  Chairman Mao was already over a year into his Five-Year Plan.  The Kray twins were well into building their East End empire.  Nobody had yet heard of  Charles Manson, Harry Roberts, the Great Train robbers, John, Paul, George and Ringo (though they soon would).  George Clooney hadn't been born, and nor had Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.  Morrissey came along ten days later.  Meanwhile, Harrison Ford was into his final year at High School.  There was still a year to go before Mick Jagger would be reaquainted with his old childhood mate, Keith Richards, on Dartford Railway Station in Kent.  NASA was a fortnight away from sending two monkeys, Miss Able and Miss Baker, into space.  Two years after that, the Soviets stole a bigger march on them and sent the first man up there.  It took the US another eight years to get their own back.  When they did, though, they did it in typical style.  Neil Armstrong not only walked on the moon, he played golf on it.

So much happening, and so much still to happen on that ordinary day.  A day when, elsewhere in the world, millions of ordinary people were going about millions of ordinary jobs.  It was hot in some places, cold in others.  People were laughing or eating or dying or drinking or kissing or talking or sleeping or making love.  Tigers were hunting.  Trees were sprouting buds or shedding leaves.  Dead bodies were mouldering in their graves.  Fires were burning.  Dung beetles were pushing lumps of dung around.  Birds were flying.  Paint was drying.  Grass was growing.  The stars were moving overhead - their ancient lights scattered across the firmament like fairy glitter.  The moon was moving into its first quarter that day.  The universe was expanding.  Clocks were ticking...

...and I knew none of this.  If I knew anything at all it was that the nice warm bubble I'd been living in, with the gentle bass drumming of my mother's heart to comfort me, was suddenly gone.  Everything was light and sound.

And I was hungry.

Hi Tom

I just want to say this, you are very articulate, and your writing style is brilliant. Your language skills are fantastic. You have an amazing ability to explain your day to day experiences in graphic detail but concisely and clearly with sufficient depth and detail such that I am sure there are many reading who can recognise the same sort of challenges in their own lives.

You are very gifted. There are hundreds of thousands of people in the UK who have been diagnosed with high functioning autism in some form or other, but only a handful communicate on this forum and it is very rare to find an Aspie as articulate as you and one that is such a regular contributor and one who is able share their own personal intimate experiences of life to help others.

All I can say is that you need to write, write books, write blogs, magazine artilcels, anything, but you have a talent that needs to be allowed to blossom.

It is sad that there are so many obstacles and hurdles to getting one's writing out there to the world. 

Comming back to your problems, it is change which is the most corrosive and most destructive forces affecting spectrumites everywhere. Change is contant and relentless and the biggest challenge we as spectrumites face.

Change we have no control over. Change is accellerating all the time and we have very limited capacity to adapt to and adjust to rapid change.

I wonder if you ever read the book Future Shock by Alvin Toffler ? I think spectrumites are more affected by change. We need stability, but we live in an unstable world.

I can pin 99.9 % of all my issues down to unwelcome, unexpected, forced change.

New people, new systems, new things, new technology, new ideas, new procedures, new processes, new laws, new, new, new, stop, stop, stop, stop the world I want to get off !

That is why the monastry is such a nice sanctuary.