Published on 12, July, 2020
More and more, I'm feeling physically, psychologically and emotionally exhausted with everything. It's a combination of stuff - work stresses, mum's failing health, the lack of support out there (as recommended for me by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my ASC).
Drastic cost-cutting measures at work have led to both an amalgamation and a contraction of services. This means that we're all having to cope with new client groups and a change of working routines. We used to work on a 1-1 basis with clients. But now we've been told we can no longer have additional 'bank' staff, so we have to spread ourselves more thinly and take on extra responsibilities. The pressure to work extra hours is growing. I feel a little cheated, too. They know my caring responsibilities with mum, and that I often need to take time off (as with yesterday) to attend hospital appointments with her. They were very understanding, telling me I could take as many 'emergency domestic' days as I needed. Now, they're telling me that I need to book such days as annual leave instead. With an average of 2 days needed per month, that means I won't have enough annual leave entitlement to cover it and will, at some stage, have to take those days unpaid. A remedy they've suggested - work evenings and weekends to make up the time. Yet they know I can't do those because of my caring responsibilities.
With the extra work pressures now, I often come home exhausted and go to bed early. Or I drink, to relieve the stress and anxiety.
Sometimes, it feels like my life is finally catching up with me - like a tsunami coming in to swamp me and carry me off. I've let go of so much. I used to enjoy healthy eating, exercise, reading. Now, I no longer have the motivation for any of them. I've started to get aches and pains, which I'm sure are psychosomatic.
I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, though frankly I've no idea what to say to her. She'll most probably suggest anti-depressants, but they've never worked in the past - except to make me feel doped. Driving is a central part of my job, too, and I wouldn't want to risk doing that if I'm on medication. She might also suggest signing me off. To be honest, I'd probably jump at the chance. I feel like I need a break. The problem is, though, that I'd probably not want to go back. Like I said, I enjoy the work. But I feel like my machine's breaking down, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it going.
Maybe this is what happens to so many of us who've been late-diagnosed, and who find ourselves unable to get support for that reason: we've come this far, and somehow survived. But it leaves its mark on us. It's kind of like PTSD - with the trauma being a good part of the lives we've led and the struggles we've had.
I'm also having a carer's assessment at the end of the month. Maybe that'll help. They'll see I'm not coping that well with everything. I'm not sure what they'll suggest, though. If I cut my hours at work to bring me down to an earnings level where I qualify for carer's allowance, that only amounts to £65 a week. It'll make my monthly income less than £800. I can manage on £1,000, but only just. I suppose I'd qualify for Housing Benefit, though. I'll have to investigate.
Sorry... just off-loading. Not looking for sympathy or anything. Days like yesterday, though - and the changes going on at work - make me realise just how tightly-stretched the threads of my life currently are. Something has to give, sooner or later.
Hi, CJ here, so glad you managed to get some time off, and sorry to hear about your mum.
My brother in law is exactly the same, unfortunately I have just decided that is how they all work, their coping mechanism. He cannot deal with those close to him being ill. Perfect example when his dad died he thought the best plan was to drive off to the next village and crash into a tree!
I really hope you get good news with the carers assessment, and all of the other things you mention.
I can also understand the feeling of not doing enough. I would get up at 6, spend all day sorting out my two children and husband and finally sit down at 9.00, loads of things would still need doing, but I ran out of time and was exhausted, then I would try to study afterwards to improve my skills for when I returned to work. Bed was around 2 ish or later, it was like this for about 5 years!
You mention you struggle with people, what about when you have meetings - so for example, if you have to meet someone to fill in the forms, can you openly discuss your problems? Or would it be better to write them down for the person to read? when my husband had a PIP meeting, the first one they declined him everything but the second time about 3 years later a nurse came out and spoke to him. Would your condition allow you to be frank?
Hope you are having a better day, maybe you could allocate some time this week for you (even a walk for 30 mins), and spend half a day round you mums - spending time with her reading a book / newspaper to her or talking (whatever she is able to do). Maybe you can stop feeling so guilty. It is a natural feeling, but when I wa in that position, there was nothing I could do, I still feel bad now, but I have to accept the facts.
Look after yourself, and I hope you have a good day
CJ