Published on 12, July, 2020
More and more, I'm feeling physically, psychologically and emotionally exhausted with everything. It's a combination of stuff - work stresses, mum's failing health, the lack of support out there (as recommended for me by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my ASC).
Drastic cost-cutting measures at work have led to both an amalgamation and a contraction of services. This means that we're all having to cope with new client groups and a change of working routines. We used to work on a 1-1 basis with clients. But now we've been told we can no longer have additional 'bank' staff, so we have to spread ourselves more thinly and take on extra responsibilities. The pressure to work extra hours is growing. I feel a little cheated, too. They know my caring responsibilities with mum, and that I often need to take time off (as with yesterday) to attend hospital appointments with her. They were very understanding, telling me I could take as many 'emergency domestic' days as I needed. Now, they're telling me that I need to book such days as annual leave instead. With an average of 2 days needed per month, that means I won't have enough annual leave entitlement to cover it and will, at some stage, have to take those days unpaid. A remedy they've suggested - work evenings and weekends to make up the time. Yet they know I can't do those because of my caring responsibilities.
With the extra work pressures now, I often come home exhausted and go to bed early. Or I drink, to relieve the stress and anxiety.
Sometimes, it feels like my life is finally catching up with me - like a tsunami coming in to swamp me and carry me off. I've let go of so much. I used to enjoy healthy eating, exercise, reading. Now, I no longer have the motivation for any of them. I've started to get aches and pains, which I'm sure are psychosomatic.
I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, though frankly I've no idea what to say to her. She'll most probably suggest anti-depressants, but they've never worked in the past - except to make me feel doped. Driving is a central part of my job, too, and I wouldn't want to risk doing that if I'm on medication. She might also suggest signing me off. To be honest, I'd probably jump at the chance. I feel like I need a break. The problem is, though, that I'd probably not want to go back. Like I said, I enjoy the work. But I feel like my machine's breaking down, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it going.
Maybe this is what happens to so many of us who've been late-diagnosed, and who find ourselves unable to get support for that reason: we've come this far, and somehow survived. But it leaves its mark on us. It's kind of like PTSD - with the trauma being a good part of the lives we've led and the struggles we've had.
I'm also having a carer's assessment at the end of the month. Maybe that'll help. They'll see I'm not coping that well with everything. I'm not sure what they'll suggest, though. If I cut my hours at work to bring me down to an earnings level where I qualify for carer's allowance, that only amounts to £65 a week. It'll make my monthly income less than £800. I can manage on £1,000, but only just. I suppose I'd qualify for Housing Benefit, though. I'll have to investigate.
Sorry... just off-loading. Not looking for sympathy or anything. Days like yesterday, though - and the changes going on at work - make me realise just how tightly-stretched the threads of my life currently are. Something has to give, sooner or later.
Hi Tom
I just want to say this, you are very articulate, and your writing style is brilliant. Your language skills are fantastic. You have an amazing ability to explain your day to day experiences in graphic detail but concisely and clearly with sufficient depth and detail such that I am sure there are many reading who can recognise the same sort of challenges in their own lives.
You are very gifted. There are hundreds of thousands of people in the UK who have been diagnosed with high functioning autism in some form or other, but only a handful communicate on this forum and it is very rare to find an Aspie as articulate as you and one that is such a regular contributor and one who is able share their own personal intimate experiences of life to help others.
All I can say is that you need to write, write books, write blogs, magazine artilcels, anything, but you have a talent that needs to be allowed to blossom.
It is sad that there are so many obstacles and hurdles to getting one's writing out there to the world.
Comming back to your problems, it is change which is the most corrosive and most destructive forces affecting spectrumites everywhere. Change is contant and relentless and the biggest challenge we as spectrumites face.
Change we have no control over. Change is accellerating all the time and we have very limited capacity to adapt to and adjust to rapid change.
I wonder if you ever read the book Future Shock by Alvin Toffler ? I think spectrumites are more affected by change. We need stability, but we live in an unstable world.
I can pin 99.9 % of all my issues down to unwelcome, unexpected, forced change.
New people, new systems, new things, new technology, new ideas, new procedures, new processes, new laws, new, new, new, stop, stop, stop, stop the world I want to get off !
That is why the monastry is such a nice sanctuary.