Published on 12, July, 2020
More and more, I'm feeling physically, psychologically and emotionally exhausted with everything. It's a combination of stuff - work stresses, mum's failing health, the lack of support out there (as recommended for me by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my ASC).
Drastic cost-cutting measures at work have led to both an amalgamation and a contraction of services. This means that we're all having to cope with new client groups and a change of working routines. We used to work on a 1-1 basis with clients. But now we've been told we can no longer have additional 'bank' staff, so we have to spread ourselves more thinly and take on extra responsibilities. The pressure to work extra hours is growing. I feel a little cheated, too. They know my caring responsibilities with mum, and that I often need to take time off (as with yesterday) to attend hospital appointments with her. They were very understanding, telling me I could take as many 'emergency domestic' days as I needed. Now, they're telling me that I need to book such days as annual leave instead. With an average of 2 days needed per month, that means I won't have enough annual leave entitlement to cover it and will, at some stage, have to take those days unpaid. A remedy they've suggested - work evenings and weekends to make up the time. Yet they know I can't do those because of my caring responsibilities.
With the extra work pressures now, I often come home exhausted and go to bed early. Or I drink, to relieve the stress and anxiety.
Sometimes, it feels like my life is finally catching up with me - like a tsunami coming in to swamp me and carry me off. I've let go of so much. I used to enjoy healthy eating, exercise, reading. Now, I no longer have the motivation for any of them. I've started to get aches and pains, which I'm sure are psychosomatic.
I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, though frankly I've no idea what to say to her. She'll most probably suggest anti-depressants, but they've never worked in the past - except to make me feel doped. Driving is a central part of my job, too, and I wouldn't want to risk doing that if I'm on medication. She might also suggest signing me off. To be honest, I'd probably jump at the chance. I feel like I need a break. The problem is, though, that I'd probably not want to go back. Like I said, I enjoy the work. But I feel like my machine's breaking down, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it going.
Maybe this is what happens to so many of us who've been late-diagnosed, and who find ourselves unable to get support for that reason: we've come this far, and somehow survived. But it leaves its mark on us. It's kind of like PTSD - with the trauma being a good part of the lives we've led and the struggles we've had.
I'm also having a carer's assessment at the end of the month. Maybe that'll help. They'll see I'm not coping that well with everything. I'm not sure what they'll suggest, though. If I cut my hours at work to bring me down to an earnings level where I qualify for carer's allowance, that only amounts to £65 a week. It'll make my monthly income less than £800. I can manage on £1,000, but only just. I suppose I'd qualify for Housing Benefit, though. I'll have to investigate.
Sorry... just off-loading. Not looking for sympathy or anything. Days like yesterday, though - and the changes going on at work - make me realise just how tightly-stretched the threads of my life currently are. Something has to give, sooner or later.
I hope you are feeling better this evening, and that your appointment went well. I am sorry you are feeling so low, but his can be beaten.
You mention above that you could not do what I have done, but this may sound cliche; I promise you if someone had said these are the things I would face over 5 years, (there has also been loads more prior, but this has nothing to do with the key subject), I would have laughed in your face, and I would have rolled over and given up.
Everything that has happened, I have fought, but that does not meen I didn't stumble along the way, or cry and falter. There have been so many times that I didn't think I could do it, but we do, because we can all face adversity and get through the other side.
You are and have been for a long time, a carer (this is draining!) I also don't think you realise how much of an impact your upbringing has had on you - join another forum regarding AA issues, you may have more in common with other people that have been through what you have, you can be honest with them about issues that have happened.
I was bullied all of my life and I have the mental scars to prove it, I feel worthless, but I have to rise above it and I will, otherwise they won.
You have been very honest above and that has taken some severe courage and I may not know you, but I am proud, it is the first step to recovery. I have had to have several boughts of Physco therapy, my words may come across as a strong person now, but I assure you I have been to hell and back mentally.
I can totally relate to your mum, and it is incredibly hard, the times I just wanted my husband to be admitted, and I felt awful, but I couldn't cope with him, his needs were too great. In one 365 day period, we had 96 seperate visits to hospital, that was a very busy year!
Can you explain more about your condition? You state ASC, but I do not know what that actually entails, still getting used to all of this stuff.
I am trying to stick to the rules, but I am worried about you, so what hobbies do you have, maybe you can think about something like this, I must admit though this would have been useless to me as I never had time to blink let alone a hobby! Do you have freinds nearby you can talk to?
I think you need to try and get a care plan for your mum, speak to the Gp about her needs, you may need an Occupational Therapist. All of these things are difficult and you do have to fight for them, but it is worth it in the end.
You mention your brother, does he really help or are you making excuses? Does he really know how much you do and how desperate you feel? My husbands brother lives 400+ miles away, he did nothing I was looking out for my mother-in-law, doing what I could and caring for my children and husband. I think he visited twice once to take his things from her house after she died! (Sorry I think I am sounding harsh, probably venting at the wrong person!)
Please don't feel like giving up. Tell me more about your condition.
speak to you soon
CJ