Published on 12, July, 2020
More and more, I'm feeling physically, psychologically and emotionally exhausted with everything. It's a combination of stuff - work stresses, mum's failing health, the lack of support out there (as recommended for me by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my ASC).
Drastic cost-cutting measures at work have led to both an amalgamation and a contraction of services. This means that we're all having to cope with new client groups and a change of working routines. We used to work on a 1-1 basis with clients. But now we've been told we can no longer have additional 'bank' staff, so we have to spread ourselves more thinly and take on extra responsibilities. The pressure to work extra hours is growing. I feel a little cheated, too. They know my caring responsibilities with mum, and that I often need to take time off (as with yesterday) to attend hospital appointments with her. They were very understanding, telling me I could take as many 'emergency domestic' days as I needed. Now, they're telling me that I need to book such days as annual leave instead. With an average of 2 days needed per month, that means I won't have enough annual leave entitlement to cover it and will, at some stage, have to take those days unpaid. A remedy they've suggested - work evenings and weekends to make up the time. Yet they know I can't do those because of my caring responsibilities.
With the extra work pressures now, I often come home exhausted and go to bed early. Or I drink, to relieve the stress and anxiety.
Sometimes, it feels like my life is finally catching up with me - like a tsunami coming in to swamp me and carry me off. I've let go of so much. I used to enjoy healthy eating, exercise, reading. Now, I no longer have the motivation for any of them. I've started to get aches and pains, which I'm sure are psychosomatic.
I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, though frankly I've no idea what to say to her. She'll most probably suggest anti-depressants, but they've never worked in the past - except to make me feel doped. Driving is a central part of my job, too, and I wouldn't want to risk doing that if I'm on medication. She might also suggest signing me off. To be honest, I'd probably jump at the chance. I feel like I need a break. The problem is, though, that I'd probably not want to go back. Like I said, I enjoy the work. But I feel like my machine's breaking down, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it going.
Maybe this is what happens to so many of us who've been late-diagnosed, and who find ourselves unable to get support for that reason: we've come this far, and somehow survived. But it leaves its mark on us. It's kind of like PTSD - with the trauma being a good part of the lives we've led and the struggles we've had.
I'm also having a carer's assessment at the end of the month. Maybe that'll help. They'll see I'm not coping that well with everything. I'm not sure what they'll suggest, though. If I cut my hours at work to bring me down to an earnings level where I qualify for carer's allowance, that only amounts to £65 a week. It'll make my monthly income less than £800. I can manage on £1,000, but only just. I suppose I'd qualify for Housing Benefit, though. I'll have to investigate.
Sorry... just off-loading. Not looking for sympathy or anything. Days like yesterday, though - and the changes going on at work - make me realise just how tightly-stretched the threads of my life currently are. Something has to give, sooner or later.
The first thing you need is a sick note! - You are entiltled to one. When you see the GP explain that you do not want to be medicated, this is your choice. If you have some time to recoup you may feel better about yourself.
I must admit, I have not read everything above in great detail, but I did notice you say you have been drinking to help. That has got to be a bad plan. Nothing good can come of being in your exhausted state of mind and adding drink to it.
The walk sounded good.
I can totally relate to the exhaustion if not from a different way round to you; I will try to keep it brief, but it is difficult to make the point without the detail;
I used to work 60+ hrs a week, my husband about the same. 2012 Jan. my husband had a heart attack and triple bypass (46 days in hospital due to major post op internal infection). Bang - I became a carer. My three year old (Jane) was a very very difficult child and everything took ten times longer than it should. I had to sell our house as we both lost our jobs (technically I resigned, but basically pushed (I was stupid!) I had to move us into rented accomodation, packing and moving everything when my husband as in hopital.
It took my husband one year to recover and during this time we chose to have our son, just after he was born, my husband was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. I now had a difficult 4 year old, a new baby and a husband on 9 weeks seriously intense chemo followed by an Oesophagectomy and another 9 weeks chemo. He started at 15 stone and was by the end of these few months just 6.5 st. He soon needed 5 weeks solid radiotherapy, during which his mother passed away.
My husband's only sibling lived about 400 miles away and left everything to me. Their house was packed to the rafters and it took me months on my own to sort it out (4 x 8yd skips, plus loads of other stuff!). My husband was back in hopsital with a giant kidney stone and emergency bowel surgery. I had to sell the house as that is what his brother wanted, he just wanted his money. We had wanted the house - but couldn't raise the money quick enough.
My daughter's behaviour was increasingly bad and I was now pursueing the Autism diagnosis which I had believed she had needed since she was one.
My husband had a further two lots of chemo and thanks to his mum we were able to purchase a proprty of our own. It needed lots of work, so I have built the kitchen, the bathroom (mostly), ripped loads of stuff up, stripped walls and loads of other things. My husbands health deteriorated and he couldn't take anymore, passing away in May 2016.
About 10 days ago, I received the diagnosis confirmation I had been waiting for, my daughter is Autistic. (she also threatened me with a bring earlier on, so that was great!)
Stress, exhaustion and tiredness are very much part of the package as a carer. I do not know what your day to day difficulties are for yourself, but it must be difficult and I really do feel for you.
I damaged my knee a couple of years ago, pushing my son in his buggy and pulling my husband in a wheelchair. I couldn't walk for nearly eight months. But there was only me to do it, so I kept carrying on. I finally had surgery in July, but I still can't walk properly yet as it is taking forever and a day to heal!
You must get some time off work! Get some help from anyone who will offer it. I didn't really have that option, and felt no one was really there for me, I was completely alone.
Things are becoming a little easier for me, but I would give everything back again to have my mother-in-law and husband back.
I still don't sleep well, generally a 3am person, but then I wake up late to take the kids to school. Every day is a difficult battle, but I am hanging on in there and you must too.
You don't have to have a diagnosis of something to find life hard. A carers life is difficult in itself. You must get that sick note (ask for one month), they might give you two weeks. Don't forget, you are entitled to sick pay!
I once worked at a company where one member of staff always had their days of and every sick day they were entitled to every year! At least your reasons are valid.
You are sleeping all day because you are probably tired! - this is also very normal!
Keep us posted how you get on, sorry for the ramblings, I only have children to talk to.
I noticed mentions of claims?
If you have a diagnosis you should be entilted to PIP. If you care for someone, they may be entitled to PIP and your carers allowance. Also (a strange one here!) but if you are entilted to PIP then dependent on your mums needs, she may be entitled to carers allowance for you! (I have heard of several family members all receiving PIPs and Carers for each other becuase they do different things for each other.) I can explain more if you want?
I only know as we had spent years not being entitled to things and finally had help with claiming.
like you said, housing benefit is good, ESA (employment support allowance) and PIP are seperate. you may also be entitled to council tax credit.
Also if you do decide to claim, explain you want them backdated. REASON - you were not aware you could claim. We were rebated over £4k in a time when we had every bill owned for months. I actually broke down and cried. It is very possible to live on benefits and drive, especially if you do not smoke.
We were very frugal, but we had enough money to pay all of our bills and have two children. As soon as my youngest is older I will go back to work, but he is only 3 and too be honest I need a rest!
Sorry, still rambling.
Take care, hope you feel better soon.