Published on 12, July, 2020
More and more, I'm feeling physically, psychologically and emotionally exhausted with everything. It's a combination of stuff - work stresses, mum's failing health, the lack of support out there (as recommended for me by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my ASC).
Drastic cost-cutting measures at work have led to both an amalgamation and a contraction of services. This means that we're all having to cope with new client groups and a change of working routines. We used to work on a 1-1 basis with clients. But now we've been told we can no longer have additional 'bank' staff, so we have to spread ourselves more thinly and take on extra responsibilities. The pressure to work extra hours is growing. I feel a little cheated, too. They know my caring responsibilities with mum, and that I often need to take time off (as with yesterday) to attend hospital appointments with her. They were very understanding, telling me I could take as many 'emergency domestic' days as I needed. Now, they're telling me that I need to book such days as annual leave instead. With an average of 2 days needed per month, that means I won't have enough annual leave entitlement to cover it and will, at some stage, have to take those days unpaid. A remedy they've suggested - work evenings and weekends to make up the time. Yet they know I can't do those because of my caring responsibilities.
With the extra work pressures now, I often come home exhausted and go to bed early. Or I drink, to relieve the stress and anxiety.
Sometimes, it feels like my life is finally catching up with me - like a tsunami coming in to swamp me and carry me off. I've let go of so much. I used to enjoy healthy eating, exercise, reading. Now, I no longer have the motivation for any of them. I've started to get aches and pains, which I'm sure are psychosomatic.
I'm seeing my GP on Tuesday, though frankly I've no idea what to say to her. She'll most probably suggest anti-depressants, but they've never worked in the past - except to make me feel doped. Driving is a central part of my job, too, and I wouldn't want to risk doing that if I'm on medication. She might also suggest signing me off. To be honest, I'd probably jump at the chance. I feel like I need a break. The problem is, though, that I'd probably not want to go back. Like I said, I enjoy the work. But I feel like my machine's breaking down, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it going.
Maybe this is what happens to so many of us who've been late-diagnosed, and who find ourselves unable to get support for that reason: we've come this far, and somehow survived. But it leaves its mark on us. It's kind of like PTSD - with the trauma being a good part of the lives we've led and the struggles we've had.
I'm also having a carer's assessment at the end of the month. Maybe that'll help. They'll see I'm not coping that well with everything. I'm not sure what they'll suggest, though. If I cut my hours at work to bring me down to an earnings level where I qualify for carer's allowance, that only amounts to £65 a week. It'll make my monthly income less than £800. I can manage on £1,000, but only just. I suppose I'd qualify for Housing Benefit, though. I'll have to investigate.
Sorry... just off-loading. Not looking for sympathy or anything. Days like yesterday, though - and the changes going on at work - make me realise just how tightly-stretched the threads of my life currently are. Something has to give, sooner or later.
AddieThree said:You feel taken aback at work going back on their word to you when an agreement was being made? - it feels like a slap in the face? All you're hearing is verbiage? it's understandable you feel the way you describe in your post.Ii's great that your Mum has someone like you, she must treasure you, but it isn't an easy time for you - it's hard for you on some levels that your parent is unwell and wobbly.you're going through this turmoil and pain - you write beautifully - do you think at some stage in the future you might consider getting a literary agent? I hope you have more peace and happiness.
You feel taken aback at work going back on their word to you when an agreement was being made? - it feels like a slap in the face? All you're hearing is verbiage? it's understandable you feel the way you describe in your post.
Ii's great that your Mum has someone like you, she must treasure you, but it isn't an easy time for you - it's hard for you on some levels that your parent is unwell and wobbly.
you're going through this turmoil and pain - you write beautifully - do you think at some stage in the future you might consider getting a literary agent? I hope you have more peace and happiness.
Thanks, AddieThree.
Regarding agents... I've had some interested in the past - including one of the major London agencies. But they don't really want what I write because it isn't commercial enough. Last year, I had an agent representing me for my children's stories. But he took all of the illustrations out... and, surprise surprise, all of the publishing houses who responded said they wanted illustrations. He refused, saying he thought the 'descriptive passages' he'd edited in were enough.
Needless to say, I dropped him.
I do it myself now, with things like Amazon Kindle uploads. Many other frustrated writers are doing the same, and sometimes succeeding.
These people want product. Furthermore, they want you to write what they want you to write. I'm not going to turn a novel about a man recovering from mental illness into a 'titillating thriller', or throw in a bit of sex and violence, just to please these people.