Daughter Refusing Diagnosis

This might be a good point, whilst your daughter is not engaging, to do a check to see if there are other family members (particularly parents) who are also on the spectrum. Autism is frequently inherited from a parent who has no idea that they are on the spectrum too. There is a free and reliable test at aspergerstest.net/.../ this measures autistic traits but does not measure someone's consequential needs.

How would having the diagnosis actually help ?

I ask that because you can learn from tips on this website and in books etc and work out stratergies that help you in terms of your daughter. 

The diagnosis wont change the need for everyone helping to put the puzzle together but first you need to find what what pieces of the puzzle are missing.  You can't just go into this head first.  It the work 'we' all do around us that helps.

Your daughter can seek diagnosis any time she is an adult if she is refusing this now. It may feel like the end of a tough battle for you as you are set on it and she isn't set on it.  Let it drop awhile and try not to even raise the subject again. Learn what she likes to do and what she hates. Learn how she receives instruction best.  She may not realise she needs help where it seems obvious to you. But the more you 'nag' about getting assessed the more she will resent and the more she will struggle.  Show an interest in the things she does share with you.  Being a Teen is challenging enough I remember that even this late on. I know you want what is best for her.  But she really does have to make a few mistakes of her own. She may never ask you for help as of me, I seem to prefer not to ask family even now am much older family are the last to know anything. It not personal I know that much.

But try to let it drop and if she knows there are services out there that is the important thing.  She be trying to find her own way through but this wouldn't change with a diagnosis.  Let her be a 'normal' teen living her life and so long as she knows there is help there. 

Try to let it go and let her make her own mind up as it is about her :-)

Maybe it would be best to let it lie a while and hope she comes round to recognizing she needs to investigate this further after she experiences the negatives aspects of the condition. After all, if she is on the AS, she will have issues in the future and it's a good thing, at least, that you have made her aware of her possible condition. Sometimes, pushing things too much can be counter-productive. I think you have to be patient.

There has been some serious distrubtion at school but having the partial diagnosis has helped the school be more accomodating to my daughter rather than blaming her for everything and maybe thats all we need at this stage. It breaks my heart to see her hurt but I see now that a diagnosis is not always seen as a positive thing so she needs to be the one to make the descision. Many thanks for all your help with this.

Hi Rilca

I understand you want to help your daughter, but what exactly is it that you think she needs help with? I note from your first post last year that you said she was doing fine academically but was anxious at home. Can you identify what makes her anxious?

I'm a female with high functioning autism, or aspergers - also known as an "Aspie". As a teenager I did'nt know this, but I do remember what it was like being a 15 year old. By that age I felt like an adult and wanted to be treated like one, not like a child. I did suffer from depression briefly whie I was in sixth form, but this was treated with a short course of mild anti-depressants from the GP.

It's important for your relationship with her that you let her make her own decisions. She may feel "different", but is likely to want to not have this made more obvious at that age, as Autistic/Aspie children & teens are far more likely to be bullied than other young people - I was bullied at secondary school even without that "label" and I would have hated having that diagnosis too.

Be patient - she can make her own decision about it when she feels ready. Maybe if you ignore it and treat her like a "normal" young woman, she will eventually pluck up the courage to want to talk to you about how she feels, but the most important thing now is for you to make it clear to her that her happiness is paramount.

All the best

But for the majority of people with a diagnosis it is, at least partly, a bad thing and you can't tell her otherwise. Diagnosis brings insight but it also brings confirmation that one has a problem. Some people with Asperger's disagree with this and don't see the downside but I for one feel that it has a downside as well as upsides.

What does she think of Chris Packham of springwatch? - Chris has just revealed that he is autistic and he has just released a book see www.theguardian.com/.../wildlife-presenter-chris-packham-struggle-depression This shows that someone can succeed with autism but it also shows that it isn't all good.

I think you are right. My need to try and control the situation is not helping her but she never asks for help just tries to deal with it herself. I think deep down she knows she's a bit different but has spent a long time trying to fit in so feels she doesn't need any help from useless adults. I bought some books that I thought would help her feel, its not a bad thing just a different thing, but she won't even have them in her room. How would you approach letting her decide for herself?

(You have to be patient with the website - click once and wait is the way to do it)

I misread your post and didn't understand what you had bought her.

I think you need to move your relationship from parent - child to adult - adult. If she asks for treats before an event then she will just be going along for the treat. If she learns that you can reward good behaviour after an incident then she might see that as more reasonable.

I can sense your desperation about the situation - it is hard to watch disasters unfold and you desperately want to take control and fix things. I'm autistic and also a parent so I see this from both sides. Constantly taking control is ultimately not good for her - she must fail and at some point ask for help. What does she want to happen next? Does she think that everything is OK? What choices does she think that she has? If you try to make diagnosis a choice that she can make in her own time then this might be a way forward. Ultimately people can be sectioned for their own safety but I hope that you are some way off that situation?

I totally get that it's her life and I have read about the definance position but I think she is really struggling to cope and I'm worried that if I don't do something it will get worse. We don't fight or disagree on most things I let her get on with things her way, I've learnt not to try and change her position, it doesn't make any difference anyhow and she's a really lovely kid. Is that the right thing to do or am i just letting her get away with doing what she wants? The TV series was her idea not mine.

Hi Rilca,

I think that you have a lot to learn about autism. One of the features of the condition is that we have communication issues and we are often so bad with making ourselves understood that we often take a defiant position where we refuse to fo things that seem 'reasonable' to other people. Your daughter's behaviour is entirely reasonable, from an autistic point of view, because the world is entirely unreasonable and unfathomable to her.

Bribery with a TV was perhaps not the best thing to do. Do you try to be unreasonably fair and reasonable with her or do you hand out rewards and punishments in ways that she doesn't understand?

At 15 she could really be treated as an adult. In fact, autistic people benefit from being treated calmly and fairly, as you would any other adult, throughout our lives. It is her life that you are trying to change, rather than yours, even though it obviously has a big impact on you and you desperately want the right things for her.