Issues with intimacy

You can't make yourself be sexually attracted to anyone. If you don't feel that way about your boyfriend then perhaps your relationship should not include sex or anything that makes you uncomfortable. I completely understand that you want him to be happy but you shouldn't sacrifice your own sense of self for that. If he loves you, and i'm sure he does, then he wouldn't want that either.

Perhaps you would feel sexually attracted towarda another partner. Or if not then it is Ok if sex has no place in your life. We live in a very sexualised society where this isn't seen as normal but a lack of interest in sex is more common than is generally realised. If you're happy not wanting sex there's no reason why you should have to have it.

I don't have any advise on this matter. But I myself have issues with relationships and can't seem to let any guy near me. I don't mind cuddeling upto someone but anymore Greeks me out. I'd love to have a relationship and settle down. Emma I no It won't b easy for you but maybe try and talk to your boyfriend and I'm sure he will understand.

Hi,  I can understand your problem but in a kind of reverse way.

I have always had a great deal of trouble with 'intimacy' but have felt totally 'oversexed', that is the idea of sex and feeling 'turned on' has been overwhelming sometimes but the idea of sharing this with another person causes massive anxiety as there are strong social rules to the 'giving and receiving' of pleasure.

I wonder, how do you feel about masturbation?

If you do not masturbate at all due to no sex drive then this is a clear indicator of asexuality.

If however you do get pleasure 'on your own' then it is an intimacy issue.

That said, many people feel guilty about masturbation or sexual feelings for social or religious reasons.

My family seems to be 'all messed up' about sexual and social rules ie Bi-sexuality, but really it's who you feel comfortable, or 'Horny' with that matters.

Try to get some time to yourself to let your mind (and body) explore and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, you are only human.

Try to think clearly if ANYTHING makes you feel sexual.

If not then you may well be Asexual, in which case there are groups who can help.

Good luck.

If you have no interest in sex you might want to look into asexuality, some people just don't like sex.

If you would like to have sex but there is something stopping you then trying to identify it and work a way around it might help, you say you dont like him being in your space or breathing on you, maybe a different position would work? 

I suppose it is a difficult subject to bring up, but none the less an important one.  I think it's one that females on the spectrum have to feel comfortable bringing up because it is something we struggle with.  So, it's good you have found the courage to bring it up in the right place.  There's no judgement here.  I will offer my help as best as I can, but it might not be relevant or make sense, but all I can say is, I understand how you feel.

I don't really think you are 'pretending' as such, but I know what you mean.  You see films on TV and what not and you think I have to look like I'm enjoying myself or it has to be done a certain way, but it doesn't really.  It has to be done to suit you.  I'm the same, I love my cuddles when I want them.  Sex drive isn't the same for everyone, and it's maybe a front put on by society that we should be doing it 3-5 times a week, or something daft like that.  My other half will come back saying I've been thinking about you all day, where it's not something I ever imagine, so that's probably why my sex drive is no where near as high as anyone elses.  I'm too busy paying attention to the crazy world around me!

Sex a very intimate thing, in more ways than one, as it's one on one socialising, if that makes sense, as well as revealing parts of yourself you wouldn't do to anyone else in the world.  All the focus is on you and it's a bit unnerving.  Well, it is for me.  You see girls in videos with all sorts of faces being made and all sorts of sounds, and here's me with a rigid face and lying still.  I don't know how long you've been with your partner, but I've been with mine for just under two years and I'm slowly starting to open up a bit more, but not by much.  With my last partner I couldn't even undress in front of him.  I really didn't feel comfortable around him, but my current partner is much different.  I feel more comfortable with him and he just lets me be who I am, and he prompts me to try new things but if I don't feel comfortable he understands, and he's not fussed if I don't do them.

Just do what works for you.  And if it works for both of you, then that's all good.  I've learnt now that relationships are built on a lot more than sex, especially the good ones.  It's best to try and not think of it in a negative way, as if there is a problem with you, because there isn't.  It's just the way you work, and your guy sounds nice, so I'm sure he will be understanding.

Well... I wouldn't say I missed the point at all. I originally said all the same things as I said in my new post about Emma talking to her boyfriend and reaching an agreement where they're both happy and will both be satisfied. I just was more specific in my original moderated post. Their own happiness is more important than having plesurable, satisfying sex don't you think, especially if Emma has very little sex drive?

Laddo's moderated wasn't just graphic, it missed the point that good sex isn't just about putting up with it with as little bother as possible. It's about sharing each other in a pleasurable, fun act that is rewarding, satisfying and mutually gratifying.

If it goes well then you satisfy each other and you create something special. You can't expect it to work every time but that is what you want to happen. It needs some curiosity, patience, practice and desire so it will likely get better with time

Hi Avi. Sorry, I can see how my original post was a bit graphic. 

Emma, I agree with the previous posters that pretending you are fine with it won't do either of you any good. From what you've said, your boyfriend sounds very caring and understanding so I would definitely recommend talking to him about it. Maybe you two can come to a compromise so that you are both happy? There are also so many different ways of having sex, a lot of which don't involve too much bodily and facial contact other than the obvious. You shouldn't feel afraid to admit you're not that into sex though - it's a lot more common than you think. Good luck!

Hi Laddo,

Appreciate you sharing your experiences and insight in this conversation. Would you be able to ask your question in a more general way? Specific details about sex may upset other members.

Take care,

Avi
Moderator

Back to the original question.

Pretending that your are fine with it isn't a great situation for either of you. It won't be good for him if you go through the motions and it very clearly is not good for you.

I'm not actually sure that this is entirely a question related to your ASD. Your problem is not terribly uncommon amongst NT couples who haven't yet worked out how to really enjoy sex. There are lots of books such as The Joy of Sex (I'm sure that Amazon will suggest lots of more modern alternative titles!) that address the issue directly and tactfully. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you it just means that your curiosity about why other people seem to enjoy it so much hasn't been sparked yet. Aren't you curious to find out why sex is so popular and enjoyable to so many people?

*sigh I'll answer here.

Try laughing with the child. Laughter is a social function, and by laughing with him you complete the implied social construct allowing a sense of closure and cessation of the behaviour: persistant maniachal laughter.

Now, further posts to be on topic pls, emma has a serious issue deserving of consideration.

Advice: post appropriately in a new thread 

I think he deserves to know your feelings on the matter; and you should not be in the position of having to engage in coitus when it makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps the relationship can be redefined so as to retain the emotional connection whilst freeing him to obtain casual sex elsewhere?

This is a serious issue, im flagging so you can recieve support direct from NAS