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Issues with intimacy

emma1803

Hi,

I really don't mean for this to be an inappropriate discussion. I was wondering if other people had issues with having sex and what you did about it.

I really love my boyfriend; he is the person who can get physically closest to me in the world...most people I get irritated when they stand too close to me, but I love to snuggle in his arms. Unfortunately, I have virtually no sex drive and having sex makes me feel violated, irritated, annoyed, imposed upon, and just generally as though all my space is being invaded. I don't like him even breathing near my face. 

I basically pretend I'm fine with it - he knows I have very little sex drive so we don't do it very often; but it's still annoying whenever I have to. 

I wondered if other people have any tips for managing this or making it more enjoyable?

Note: I can't express my feelings about this to him because he is such a gentleman he would probably want to stop completely, but that's not the solution I want either because he won't be happy

Parents

  • I suppose it is a difficult subject to bring up, but none the less an important one.  I think it's one that females on the spectrum have to feel comfortable bringing up because it is something we struggle with.  So, it's good you have found the courage to bring it up in the right place.  There's no judgement here.  I will offer my help as best as I can, but it might not be relevant or make sense, but all I can say is, I understand how you feel.

    I don't really think you are 'pretending' as such, but I know what you mean.  You see films on TV and what not and you think I have to look like I'm enjoying myself or it has to be done a certain way, but it doesn't really.  It has to be done to suit you.  I'm the same, I love my cuddles when I want them.  Sex drive isn't the same for everyone, and it's maybe a front put on by society that we should be doing it 3-5 times a week, or something daft like that.  My other half will come back saying I've been thinking about you all day, where it's not something I ever imagine, so that's probably why my sex drive is no where near as high as anyone elses.  I'm too busy paying attention to the crazy world around me!

    Sex a very intimate thing, in more ways than one, as it's one on one socialising, if that makes sense, as well as revealing parts of yourself you wouldn't do to anyone else in the world.  All the focus is on you and it's a bit unnerving.  Well, it is for me.  You see girls in videos with all sorts of faces being made and all sorts of sounds, and here's me with a rigid face and lying still.  I don't know how long you've been with your partner, but I've been with mine for just under two years and I'm slowly starting to open up a bit more, but not by much.  With my last partner I couldn't even undress in front of him.  I really didn't feel comfortable around him, but my current partner is much different.  I feel more comfortable with him and he just lets me be who I am, and he prompts me to try new things but if I don't feel comfortable he understands, and he's not fussed if I don't do them.

    Just do what works for you.  And if it works for both of you, then that's all good.  I've learnt now that relationships are built on a lot more than sex, especially the good ones.  It's best to try and not think of it in a negative way, as if there is a problem with you, because there isn't.  It's just the way you work, and your guy sounds nice, so I'm sure he will be understanding.

Reply

  • I suppose it is a difficult subject to bring up, but none the less an important one.  I think it's one that females on the spectrum have to feel comfortable bringing up because it is something we struggle with.  So, it's good you have found the courage to bring it up in the right place.  There's no judgement here.  I will offer my help as best as I can, but it might not be relevant or make sense, but all I can say is, I understand how you feel.

    I don't really think you are 'pretending' as such, but I know what you mean.  You see films on TV and what not and you think I have to look like I'm enjoying myself or it has to be done a certain way, but it doesn't really.  It has to be done to suit you.  I'm the same, I love my cuddles when I want them.  Sex drive isn't the same for everyone, and it's maybe a front put on by society that we should be doing it 3-5 times a week, or something daft like that.  My other half will come back saying I've been thinking about you all day, where it's not something I ever imagine, so that's probably why my sex drive is no where near as high as anyone elses.  I'm too busy paying attention to the crazy world around me!

    Sex a very intimate thing, in more ways than one, as it's one on one socialising, if that makes sense, as well as revealing parts of yourself you wouldn't do to anyone else in the world.  All the focus is on you and it's a bit unnerving.  Well, it is for me.  You see girls in videos with all sorts of faces being made and all sorts of sounds, and here's me with a rigid face and lying still.  I don't know how long you've been with your partner, but I've been with mine for just under two years and I'm slowly starting to open up a bit more, but not by much.  With my last partner I couldn't even undress in front of him.  I really didn't feel comfortable around him, but my current partner is much different.  I feel more comfortable with him and he just lets me be who I am, and he prompts me to try new things but if I don't feel comfortable he understands, and he's not fussed if I don't do them.

    Just do what works for you.  And if it works for both of you, then that's all good.  I've learnt now that relationships are built on a lot more than sex, especially the good ones.  It's best to try and not think of it in a negative way, as if there is a problem with you, because there isn't.  It's just the way you work, and your guy sounds nice, so I'm sure he will be understanding.

Children
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