Abusive husband? Transgender child

The last study I saw admitted that over 82% of male to female trans have no intention of ever having drugs or surgery.       Your definition of trans may be somewhat out of date.

I don't think transgenderism is simply about societal pressures and changes though. I do happen to know a transwoman who is tomboyish. Do you suppose she transitioned to a woman because of societal expectations despite not even filling in societal expectations for stereotypical women? Or that she transitioned for something that felt much more innate, than any societal pressures? 

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying social stuff plays no impact, but I think that's a simplistic view on what being trans is, and I think it's more complicated than society. It's neurology mixed in with society. 

trans people getting treatment? 

The body is innocent. Nature is innocent. 

My view is that performing any kind of invasive or cosmetic surgery (as well as introducing chemicals to deliberately alter the maturation process) on a perfectly healthy body is not sensible and is certainly not healthy.

My understanding is that the problems some people face with gender identity is due to the limitations, expectations and prejudices of the culture we live In. I am simply suggesting that it would make more sense to tackle this problem through societal change rather than surgical (or chemical) intervention.

I'm not responding to anyone here. I just think this thread should have stopped somewhere around here or before it, as the OP hasn't even bothered responding, which as Desmond has flagged, is happening often on the forum recently. 

Transitioning seems to work, albeit not 100%

The suicide stats might disagree with you.    It's impossible to have a proper discussion about this as it's been so hyped over the last few years.      Only the person involved knows *why* they want to transition - I would only hope they are properly informed of the truth about the many procedures, complications and life-long drugs before they make a 'fashionable' decision.

I started to write to try to explain what I mean about 'nature' etc but I realised I couldn't be bothered and it was going away from the topic at hand. 

Now that I've thought about it some more you were right to say 'nature doesn't make mistakes,' since there is no way for 'nature' to make mistakes because nature 'just is.' 

But, what you're trying to say is that transition is wrong because nature doesn't make mistakes. 

Would your response to someone who needs open-heart surgery be to say, 'well, nature doesn't make mistakes?' 

If the answer is no you wouldn't, then I guess the question comes why do you say it in relation to trans people getting treatment? 

I guess the answer may seem obvious, 'it's not a medical requirement,' 

But for many transsexual people, it is a medical requirement. Statistically speaking it does lessen suicide. 

It has already been tried and tested to treat it like a mental illness, it didn't work. 

Transitioning seems to work, albeit not 100% but i don't think any treatment for any condition has ever worked 100%  

Your husband's traits reminds me of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because of the need for control and aggression, and the abuse and walking on eggshells, but I'm not going to diagnose him. And regardless of what his diagnosis is, if he's verbally abusive and targeting you to blame for everything, abuse is still abuse, and you don't even feel safe inside you're own home. I cut contact with a few family members and friends due to that kind of bad treatment and aggressive behavior. 

Since your child is transgendered, and your husband might disagree with it, how long is it before your child becomes the new target of abuse? I don't think your child will be able to transition if they stay in that household, and your husband might not want to pay for something he does not believe in. 

I know that you are excusing your husbands bad behavior, and saying that maybe it's his childhood trauma, maybe it's his the disorder and it's not his fault, but stop making excuses for his bad behavior. If he really wanted to, he can see any therapist or psychologist right now, and put in the time and effort to change his behavior that's causing you harm, but he doesn't. Instead, he just takes everything out on you, and the more years of abuse you tolerate, the more years of practice he has abusing you, and the more broken you will become. That's a negative and unhappy cycle.

If you heard of another woman in your situation right now, would you tell her to stay and tolerate abuse, or leave her transgendered child near an abuser who is anti-lgbt? I hope you take steps to decide what's best for you and your child, and not just wait for what your husband thinks is best, because if he thinks it's best to abuse his own wife, I have no faith in his judgement. 

Incorrect. And incorrect in every respect.

We can't not tamper with nature when we have to interact with nature simply by existing and being part of nature itself. 

Homo sapiens have arrived at their present precarious condition by the disastrous effects of their attempts to create societies, burdened with only a limited intellect. We are, it would appear, the first part of creation which separates itself mentally from reality (nature). No other living creature actively and knowingly destroys its own habitat — and no other living creature deliberately seeks to cause the extinction of another species, thus endangering its own existence.

'Should it be an autism helpline, a transgender helpline or an abuse victim helpline?' 

All of the above potentially. Since all the problems will overlap. 

https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/ This Is a trans organisation you might be able to get in contact with. 

We don't say that for any other medical condition. If someone's brain is literally neurologically wired in such a way to make them feel gender dysphoria then people are just ignoring that because it's the brain and not the rest of the body. It's the neck down fallacy people are buying into. 

Also, there is no such thing as a 'perfect biological process' no biology is perfect. 

'Nature doesn't make mistakes,' is a fallacy. 

We are nature, things we make and do is an extension of human nature. We can't not tamper with nature when we have to interact with nature simply by existing and being part of nature itself. 

 

Puberty Blockers sound like something from a nightmarish dystopian future. There simply cannot be anything good that comes from blocking the natural maturation process. 

I do believe that we can be confused about our gender, and how we feel can be at odds with how society dictates we behave based on our physiology. But butchering our body to conform to fit in with society, and/or attacking the perfect biological process is abhorrent to me.

pegasus said:

puberty blockers

Puberty Blockers sound like something from a horror story. There simply cannot be anything good that comes from blocking the natural maturation process. Nature doesn't make mistakes. We tamper with it at our peril.

I dare say that's so but consider the confounding factors, The long waits for treatments, the fact that therapy in this country tends to over promise and under deliver. Hard for you to argue on that basis whether suicide is so high because they are getting treatment, or not getting it soon enough, or not getting the right treatment.

However anecdotal evidence for the very small number of foreign teens who begin hormone therapy relatively early in puberty is that they are more content with the gender presentation of their bodies and more content in general.

It is probably the case that to get the best results from hormone therapy you have to do it around the typical years of puberty which unfortunately is very much at odds with modern thinking on medical competency.

pegasus said:

Given the distress and mental health issues caused by going through a puberty that doesn't match their gender, it would seem that prescribing blockers does less harm than not prescribing them.

You do know the average life expectancy for trans people in the UK is around 32 - mostly by suicide.

The problem is puberty blockers are miss named. They are gonadotropin blockers (estrogen / testosterone etc) But puberty is a whole mix of hormones of which gondotropins are only a part. So if you use gonadotropin blockers the sex hormones don’t sync up with the timing of other hormones and you get a reduced / distorted effect.

for example trans women experience reduced Mamory gland growth if they undergo estrogen therapy after puberty. Experimentaly it can be shown that co administering estrogen with IGF, another hormone elevated in puberty, leads to normal sized mamory gland growth, but IGF isn’t part of the standard HRT protocol because it’s expensive and moderately elevated cancer risk (as in fact puberty does)

cis women who use gondatropin blockers can expect under developed secondary sexual characteristics if they use the blockers for long enough.

Plastic said:

Not true.   Messing around with hormones at critical times does have real consequences

I've heard this claim before but never seen any evidence to back it up. Given that there is a wide range of ages when non-trans children go through puberty without it causing problems, I'm skeptical that trans children going through puberty later would suddenly cause a problem. Particularly as the same medications have been used for non-trans children for other conditions.

The times when trans children get puberty blockers are where they are more certain about their gender identity and they've experienced gender dysphoria for a long period of time (even longer once you add in the time spent on waiting lists). Given the distress and mental health issues caused by going through a puberty that doesn't match their gender, it would seem that prescribing blockers does less harm than not prescribing them.

pegasus said:

Occasionally puberty blockers are prescribed in the most clear cut cases (which only delay puberty rather than anything permanent).

Not true.   Messing around with hormones at critical times does have real consequences.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

It's ok to experiment with our gender, and even a tattoo is less of a commitment than this kind of transition. But how do you know that you know that you know that your son isn't going through a "Bowie phase" and just needs to party through it (assuming he's a teen, I can't imagine he's younger than 12)

Not clear what age OP's child is. But for children gender clinics don't do anything irreversible, so not sure that it's more of a commitment than a tattoo. Mostly it is just talking it through with a psychiatrist/psychologist and "experimenting with gender" as you say. Occasionally puberty blockers are prescribed in the most clear cut cases (which only delay puberty rather than anything permanent). Anything permanent like hormones or surgery are for only available for adults (and take many years to access on the NHS with waiting lists)

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Firstly it might be helpful to contact a domestic abuse helpline. It doesn't sound a healthy environment for yourself or your child. It doesn't matter whether your husband has autism or bad experiences in the past, neither is an excuse for being abusive.

Secondly in supporting your child, it's difficult to give more detailed advice without knowing their age. But in general I'd highly recommend speaking to a GP about getting an NHS referral to a gender clinic as soon as possible. Waiting lists are bad (around 3 years depending on where you live) but getting in the system means there is still the option in future even if ending up going private.

I'd also suggest taking a bit of time and discussing with your child next steps and take things slowly. When I came out as trans I just wanted to rush into it, as it had been something I'd kept bottles up for years. But it's a lot to deal with (for the trans person as well as their family).

Again it depends on your child's age, but think the most supportive thing to do is affirm their gender and discuss how/when they want to tell other people and if/when they want to socially transition (change names, presenting as a girl etc.)

If you have a close friend who you trust to not gossip, it probably would be helpful confiding in as none of this is easy to deal with. Maybe if you explained why to your child and reassured nobody else would find out until they were ready. Otherwise, I think Mermaids and Stonewall have helplines.