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Abusive husband? Transgender child

NAS72267

Last week my son told me he was transgender and wanted to be a girl. I am a very easy going person so accept that this is his choice. Obviously it is a shock to hear it when there have only been the tiniest of signs dropped by him over the last few weeks. So I am still having to let the information and everything it means sink in.

The history with my husband is a long and complicated one where I have almost ended in a refuge for the abused. He has never hit me but the mental abuse has been awful. I decided to stay in the end as I didn't want to break up the family and I couldn't figure out if he was actually meaning to be abusive or if it was his autism. Alot of his issues are around control and I just can't decide if this is something connected to autism or his childhood experiences (or both). In my mind if he isn't trying to hurt me on purpose then I should be there for him and not walk out. With this in mind I decided to go to CBT. This really helped me to become stronger and I started to stand up to him. His behaviour has improved but I still have to 'walk on egg shells' around him.

When my son told me he was transgender he insisted that he wanted to go privately as NHS waiting times are too long. We discussed the costs and I told him if he wanted me to pay we would have to tell his dad as it would be unfair on my relationship with his father to ask me to keep this from him when paying for treatment. I understood my sons reluctance to tell him as his dad has no understanding of gay men or of transgender people. My son asked if I would tell him, so last night I sat next to him and told him. He said 'that's all I need!' Then went on to be verbally abusive towards me. He didn't mention my son. He just started picking at me and what I am always doing that is wrong.

I understand that he is upset and he is using me to vent his emotions but I am also having to get my head around what my son has told me. We have not spoken since last night and I have hardly slept and feel so anxious and tearful.

I have so many wonderful and close friends around me but I can't talk to them about it because I promised my son I would not tell anyone. I feel so alone having nobody to talk to and want help but don't know where to turn. Should it be an autism helpline, a transgender helpline or an abuse victim helpline?

Parents

  • I was with someone for a bit who was abusive. But when I found out he violated codes of conduct, rules of marriage, rules of engagement, I knew my son would need one parent who was better put together so he could have options to how he could operate and so he didn't end up like him. I knew I wouldn't be able to be the best me in that situation. And until they really have agency, like between 24-30 or longer if raised in an abusive home, many decisions kids make are due to a complex surrounding impacting their inner nature. 

    Control and domination, disregard and contempt are not really what I look for in a mate - I doubt you did either! How does this happen. We start out thinking there's a connexion and wake up one day afraid to breathe. There are consequences to the laws of physics, the laws of societies, any rules and to all relationships, actually. 

    I've heard it's much easier to give physically abusive humans boundaries and limits, they go to jail, they are fined. When humans use manipulation, criticism, disdain, emotional abuse, gaslighting, bullying to rob the life from someone like a vampire, why should they rewarded? 

    I always revert back to the passenger safety guide on an aeroplane. Affix your own mask then help your child. I'm not going to be able to help him if I'm starving for oxygen, I won't be able to think clearly. 

    There are always a handful of young females want to transition to males because they are aware of the power men are afforded in society. Sometimes they want to change because they believe they'll be more accepted. Sometimes young males feel envy for how emotional women are allowed to feel, sometimes they don't want to mishandle responsibly or power. For these percentages, there are kids who also feel they were born wrong - but to be fully aware of that is no small matter. 

    It's ok to experiment with our gender, and even a tattoo is less of a commitment than this kind of transition. But how do you know that you know that you know that your son isn't going through a "Bowie phase" and just needs to party through it (assuming he's a teen, I can't imagine he's younger than 12). The vegan thing is also quite the pressure right now as well and young women are jumping in and ending up in hospital - iron deficient, B deficient, anorexic with new infections and biological problems. 

    These are not easy decisions and I honestly would support my son (who's in his 20's) no matter what he wanted to do. His father was alive until he graduated and thankfully I was able to get him to therapy occasionally. There's still quite a bit of work to be done as the impact a reckless, selfish and emotionally abusive man can have on his son. But had I not left I wouldn't be anywhere near the position I'm in now to help him build a future. x

Reply

  • I was with someone for a bit who was abusive. But when I found out he violated codes of conduct, rules of marriage, rules of engagement, I knew my son would need one parent who was better put together so he could have options to how he could operate and so he didn't end up like him. I knew I wouldn't be able to be the best me in that situation. And until they really have agency, like between 24-30 or longer if raised in an abusive home, many decisions kids make are due to a complex surrounding impacting their inner nature. 

    Control and domination, disregard and contempt are not really what I look for in a mate - I doubt you did either! How does this happen. We start out thinking there's a connexion and wake up one day afraid to breathe. There are consequences to the laws of physics, the laws of societies, any rules and to all relationships, actually. 

    I've heard it's much easier to give physically abusive humans boundaries and limits, they go to jail, they are fined. When humans use manipulation, criticism, disdain, emotional abuse, gaslighting, bullying to rob the life from someone like a vampire, why should they rewarded? 

    I always revert back to the passenger safety guide on an aeroplane. Affix your own mask then help your child. I'm not going to be able to help him if I'm starving for oxygen, I won't be able to think clearly. 

    There are always a handful of young females want to transition to males because they are aware of the power men are afforded in society. Sometimes they want to change because they believe they'll be more accepted. Sometimes young males feel envy for how emotional women are allowed to feel, sometimes they don't want to mishandle responsibly or power. For these percentages, there are kids who also feel they were born wrong - but to be fully aware of that is no small matter. 

    It's ok to experiment with our gender, and even a tattoo is less of a commitment than this kind of transition. But how do you know that you know that you know that your son isn't going through a "Bowie phase" and just needs to party through it (assuming he's a teen, I can't imagine he's younger than 12). The vegan thing is also quite the pressure right now as well and young women are jumping in and ending up in hospital - iron deficient, B deficient, anorexic with new infections and biological problems. 

    These are not easy decisions and I honestly would support my son (who's in his 20's) no matter what he wanted to do. His father was alive until he graduated and thankfully I was able to get him to therapy occasionally. There's still quite a bit of work to be done as the impact a reckless, selfish and emotionally abusive man can have on his son. But had I not left I wouldn't be anywhere near the position I'm in now to help him build a future. x

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