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Abusive husband? Transgender child

NAS72267

Last week my son told me he was transgender and wanted to be a girl. I am a very easy going person so accept that this is his choice. Obviously it is a shock to hear it when there have only been the tiniest of signs dropped by him over the last few weeks. So I am still having to let the information and everything it means sink in.

The history with my husband is a long and complicated one where I have almost ended in a refuge for the abused. He has never hit me but the mental abuse has been awful. I decided to stay in the end as I didn't want to break up the family and I couldn't figure out if he was actually meaning to be abusive or if it was his autism. Alot of his issues are around control and I just can't decide if this is something connected to autism or his childhood experiences (or both). In my mind if he isn't trying to hurt me on purpose then I should be there for him and not walk out. With this in mind I decided to go to CBT. This really helped me to become stronger and I started to stand up to him. His behaviour has improved but I still have to 'walk on egg shells' around him.

When my son told me he was transgender he insisted that he wanted to go privately as NHS waiting times are too long. We discussed the costs and I told him if he wanted me to pay we would have to tell his dad as it would be unfair on my relationship with his father to ask me to keep this from him when paying for treatment. I understood my sons reluctance to tell him as his dad has no understanding of gay men or of transgender people. My son asked if I would tell him, so last night I sat next to him and told him. He said 'that's all I need!' Then went on to be verbally abusive towards me. He didn't mention my son. He just started picking at me and what I am always doing that is wrong.

I understand that he is upset and he is using me to vent his emotions but I am also having to get my head around what my son has told me. We have not spoken since last night and I have hardly slept and feel so anxious and tearful.

I have so many wonderful and close friends around me but I can't talk to them about it because I promised my son I would not tell anyone. I feel so alone having nobody to talk to and want help but don't know where to turn. Should it be an autism helpline, a transgender helpline or an abuse victim helpline?

Parents

  • Your husband's traits reminds me of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because of the need for control and aggression, and the abuse and walking on eggshells, but I'm not going to diagnose him. And regardless of what his diagnosis is, if he's verbally abusive and targeting you to blame for everything, abuse is still abuse, and you don't even feel safe inside you're own home. I cut contact with a few family members and friends due to that kind of bad treatment and aggressive behavior. 

    Since your child is transgendered, and your husband might disagree with it, how long is it before your child becomes the new target of abuse? I don't think your child will be able to transition if they stay in that household, and your husband might not want to pay for something he does not believe in. 

    I know that you are excusing your husbands bad behavior, and saying that maybe it's his childhood trauma, maybe it's his the disorder and it's not his fault, but stop making excuses for his bad behavior. If he really wanted to, he can see any therapist or psychologist right now, and put in the time and effort to change his behavior that's causing you harm, but he doesn't. Instead, he just takes everything out on you, and the more years of abuse you tolerate, the more years of practice he has abusing you, and the more broken you will become. That's a negative and unhappy cycle.

    If you heard of another woman in your situation right now, would you tell her to stay and tolerate abuse, or leave her transgendered child near an abuser who is anti-lgbt? I hope you take steps to decide what's best for you and your child, and not just wait for what your husband thinks is best, because if he thinks it's best to abuse his own wife, I have no faith in his judgement. 

Reply

  • Your husband's traits reminds me of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because of the need for control and aggression, and the abuse and walking on eggshells, but I'm not going to diagnose him. And regardless of what his diagnosis is, if he's verbally abusive and targeting you to blame for everything, abuse is still abuse, and you don't even feel safe inside you're own home. I cut contact with a few family members and friends due to that kind of bad treatment and aggressive behavior. 

    Since your child is transgendered, and your husband might disagree with it, how long is it before your child becomes the new target of abuse? I don't think your child will be able to transition if they stay in that household, and your husband might not want to pay for something he does not believe in. 

    I know that you are excusing your husbands bad behavior, and saying that maybe it's his childhood trauma, maybe it's his the disorder and it's not his fault, but stop making excuses for his bad behavior. If he really wanted to, he can see any therapist or psychologist right now, and put in the time and effort to change his behavior that's causing you harm, but he doesn't. Instead, he just takes everything out on you, and the more years of abuse you tolerate, the more years of practice he has abusing you, and the more broken you will become. That's a negative and unhappy cycle.

    If you heard of another woman in your situation right now, would you tell her to stay and tolerate abuse, or leave her transgendered child near an abuser who is anti-lgbt? I hope you take steps to decide what's best for you and your child, and not just wait for what your husband thinks is best, because if he thinks it's best to abuse his own wife, I have no faith in his judgement. 

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