Published on 12, July, 2020
Last week my son told me he was transgender and wanted to be a girl. I am a very easy going person so accept that this is his choice. Obviously it is a shock to hear it when there have only been the tiniest of signs dropped by him over the last few weeks. So I am still having to let the information and everything it means sink in.
The history with my husband is a long and complicated one where I have almost ended in a refuge for the abused. He has never hit me but the mental abuse has been awful. I decided to stay in the end as I didn't want to break up the family and I couldn't figure out if he was actually meaning to be abusive or if it was his autism. Alot of his issues are around control and I just can't decide if this is something connected to autism or his childhood experiences (or both). In my mind if he isn't trying to hurt me on purpose then I should be there for him and not walk out. With this in mind I decided to go to CBT. This really helped me to become stronger and I started to stand up to him. His behaviour has improved but I still have to 'walk on egg shells' around him.
When my son told me he was transgender he insisted that he wanted to go privately as NHS waiting times are too long. We discussed the costs and I told him if he wanted me to pay we would have to tell his dad as it would be unfair on my relationship with his father to ask me to keep this from him when paying for treatment. I understood my sons reluctance to tell him as his dad has no understanding of gay men or of transgender people. My son asked if I would tell him, so last night I sat next to him and told him. He said 'that's all I need!' Then went on to be verbally abusive towards me. He didn't mention my son. He just started picking at me and what I am always doing that is wrong.
I understand that he is upset and he is using me to vent his emotions but I am also having to get my head around what my son has told me. We have not spoken since last night and I have hardly slept and feel so anxious and tearful.
I have so many wonderful and close friends around me but I can't talk to them about it because I promised my son I would not tell anyone. I feel so alone having nobody to talk to and want help but don't know where to turn. Should it be an autism helpline, a transgender helpline or an abuse victim helpline?
JuniperFromGallifrey said:It's ok to experiment with our gender, and even a tattoo is less of a commitment than this kind of transition. But how do you know that you know that you know that your son isn't going through a "Bowie phase" and just needs to party through it (assuming he's a teen, I can't imagine he's younger than 12)
Not clear what age OP's child is. But for children gender clinics don't do anything irreversible, so not sure that it's more of a commitment than a tattoo. Mostly it is just talking it through with a psychiatrist/psychologist and "experimenting with gender" as you say. Occasionally puberty blockers are prescribed in the most clear cut cases (which only delay puberty rather than anything permanent). Anything permanent like hormones or surgery are for only available for adults (and take many years to access on the NHS with waiting lists)
pegasus said: Occasionally puberty blockers are prescribed in the most clear cut cases (which only delay puberty rather than anything permanent).
Not true. Messing around with hormones at critical times does have real consequences.
I'm not responding to anyone here. I just think this thread should have stopped somewhere around here or before it, as the OP hasn't even bothered responding, which as Desmond has flagged, is happening often on the forum recently.
We don't say that for any other medical condition. If someone's brain is literally neurologically wired in such a way to make them feel gender dysphoria then people are just ignoring that because it's the brain and not the rest of the body. It's the neck down fallacy people are buying into. Also, there is no such thing as a 'perfect biological process' no biology is perfect.
Puberty Blockers sound like something from a nightmarish dystopian future. There simply cannot be anything good that comes from blocking the natural maturation process. I do believe that we can be confused about our gender, and how we feel can be at odds with how society dictates we behave based on our physiology. But butchering our body to conform to fit in with society, and/or attacking the perfect biological process is abhorrent to me.