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Abusive husband? Transgender child

NAS72267

Last week my son told me he was transgender and wanted to be a girl. I am a very easy going person so accept that this is his choice. Obviously it is a shock to hear it when there have only been the tiniest of signs dropped by him over the last few weeks. So I am still having to let the information and everything it means sink in.

The history with my husband is a long and complicated one where I have almost ended in a refuge for the abused. He has never hit me but the mental abuse has been awful. I decided to stay in the end as I didn't want to break up the family and I couldn't figure out if he was actually meaning to be abusive or if it was his autism. Alot of his issues are around control and I just can't decide if this is something connected to autism or his childhood experiences (or both). In my mind if he isn't trying to hurt me on purpose then I should be there for him and not walk out. With this in mind I decided to go to CBT. This really helped me to become stronger and I started to stand up to him. His behaviour has improved but I still have to 'walk on egg shells' around him.

When my son told me he was transgender he insisted that he wanted to go privately as NHS waiting times are too long. We discussed the costs and I told him if he wanted me to pay we would have to tell his dad as it would be unfair on my relationship with his father to ask me to keep this from him when paying for treatment. I understood my sons reluctance to tell him as his dad has no understanding of gay men or of transgender people. My son asked if I would tell him, so last night I sat next to him and told him. He said 'that's all I need!' Then went on to be verbally abusive towards me. He didn't mention my son. He just started picking at me and what I am always doing that is wrong.

I understand that he is upset and he is using me to vent his emotions but I am also having to get my head around what my son has told me. We have not spoken since last night and I have hardly slept and feel so anxious and tearful.

I have so many wonderful and close friends around me but I can't talk to them about it because I promised my son I would not tell anyone. I feel so alone having nobody to talk to and want help but don't know where to turn. Should it be an autism helpline, a transgender helpline or an abuse victim helpline?

Parents

  • Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Firstly it might be helpful to contact a domestic abuse helpline. It doesn't sound a healthy environment for yourself or your child. It doesn't matter whether your husband has autism or bad experiences in the past, neither is an excuse for being abusive.

    Secondly in supporting your child, it's difficult to give more detailed advice without knowing their age. But in general I'd highly recommend speaking to a GP about getting an NHS referral to a gender clinic as soon as possible. Waiting lists are bad (around 3 years depending on where you live) but getting in the system means there is still the option in future even if ending up going private.

    I'd also suggest taking a bit of time and discussing with your child next steps and take things slowly. When I came out as trans I just wanted to rush into it, as it had been something I'd kept bottles up for years. But it's a lot to deal with (for the trans person as well as their family).

    Again it depends on your child's age, but think the most supportive thing to do is affirm their gender and discuss how/when they want to tell other people and if/when they want to socially transition (change names, presenting as a girl etc.)

    If you have a close friend who you trust to not gossip, it probably would be helpful confiding in as none of this is easy to deal with. Maybe if you explained why to your child and reassured nobody else would find out until they were ready. Otherwise, I think Mermaids and Stonewall have helplines.

Reply

  • Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Firstly it might be helpful to contact a domestic abuse helpline. It doesn't sound a healthy environment for yourself or your child. It doesn't matter whether your husband has autism or bad experiences in the past, neither is an excuse for being abusive.

    Secondly in supporting your child, it's difficult to give more detailed advice without knowing their age. But in general I'd highly recommend speaking to a GP about getting an NHS referral to a gender clinic as soon as possible. Waiting lists are bad (around 3 years depending on where you live) but getting in the system means there is still the option in future even if ending up going private.

    I'd also suggest taking a bit of time and discussing with your child next steps and take things slowly. When I came out as trans I just wanted to rush into it, as it had been something I'd kept bottles up for years. But it's a lot to deal with (for the trans person as well as their family).

    Again it depends on your child's age, but think the most supportive thing to do is affirm their gender and discuss how/when they want to tell other people and if/when they want to socially transition (change names, presenting as a girl etc.)

    If you have a close friend who you trust to not gossip, it probably would be helpful confiding in as none of this is easy to deal with. Maybe if you explained why to your child and reassured nobody else would find out until they were ready. Otherwise, I think Mermaids and Stonewall have helplines.

Children
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