Abusive husband? Transgender child

I'm not responding to anyone here. I just think this thread should have stopped somewhere around here or before it, as the OP hasn't even bothered responding, which as Desmond has flagged, is happening often on the forum recently. 

Your husband's traits reminds me of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because of the need for control and aggression, and the abuse and walking on eggshells, but I'm not going to diagnose him. And regardless of what his diagnosis is, if he's verbally abusive and targeting you to blame for everything, abuse is still abuse, and you don't even feel safe inside you're own home. I cut contact with a few family members and friends due to that kind of bad treatment and aggressive behavior. 

Since your child is transgendered, and your husband might disagree with it, how long is it before your child becomes the new target of abuse? I don't think your child will be able to transition if they stay in that household, and your husband might not want to pay for something he does not believe in. 

I know that you are excusing your husbands bad behavior, and saying that maybe it's his childhood trauma, maybe it's his the disorder and it's not his fault, but stop making excuses for his bad behavior. If he really wanted to, he can see any therapist or psychologist right now, and put in the time and effort to change his behavior that's causing you harm, but he doesn't. Instead, he just takes everything out on you, and the more years of abuse you tolerate, the more years of practice he has abusing you, and the more broken you will become. That's a negative and unhappy cycle.

If you heard of another woman in your situation right now, would you tell her to stay and tolerate abuse, or leave her transgendered child near an abuser who is anti-lgbt? I hope you take steps to decide what's best for you and your child, and not just wait for what your husband thinks is best, because if he thinks it's best to abuse his own wife, I have no faith in his judgement. 

I dare say that's so but consider the confounding factors, The long waits for treatments, the fact that therapy in this country tends to over promise and under deliver. Hard for you to argue on that basis whether suicide is so high because they are getting treatment, or not getting it soon enough, or not getting the right treatment.

However anecdotal evidence for the very small number of foreign teens who begin hormone therapy relatively early in puberty is that they are more content with the gender presentation of their bodies and more content in general.

It is probably the case that to get the best results from hormone therapy you have to do it around the typical years of puberty which unfortunately is very much at odds with modern thinking on medical competency.

pegasus said:

Given the distress and mental health issues caused by going through a puberty that doesn't match their gender, it would seem that prescribing blockers does less harm than not prescribing them.

You do know the average life expectancy for trans people in the UK is around 32 - mostly by suicide.

The problem is puberty blockers are miss named. They are gonadotropin blockers (estrogen / testosterone etc) But puberty is a whole mix of hormones of which gondotropins are only a part. So if you use gonadotropin blockers the sex hormones don’t sync up with the timing of other hormones and you get a reduced / distorted effect.

for example trans women experience reduced Mamory gland growth if they undergo estrogen therapy after puberty. Experimentaly it can be shown that co administering estrogen with IGF, another hormone elevated in puberty, leads to normal sized mamory gland growth, but IGF isn’t part of the standard HRT protocol because it’s expensive and moderately elevated cancer risk (as in fact puberty does)

cis women who use gondatropin blockers can expect under developed secondary sexual characteristics if they use the blockers for long enough.

Plastic said:

Not true.   Messing around with hormones at critical times does have real consequences

I've heard this claim before but never seen any evidence to back it up. Given that there is a wide range of ages when non-trans children go through puberty without it causing problems, I'm skeptical that trans children going through puberty later would suddenly cause a problem. Particularly as the same medications have been used for non-trans children for other conditions.

The times when trans children get puberty blockers are where they are more certain about their gender identity and they've experienced gender dysphoria for a long period of time (even longer once you add in the time spent on waiting lists). Given the distress and mental health issues caused by going through a puberty that doesn't match their gender, it would seem that prescribing blockers does less harm than not prescribing them.

pegasus said:

Occasionally puberty blockers are prescribed in the most clear cut cases (which only delay puberty rather than anything permanent).

Not true.   Messing around with hormones at critical times does have real consequences.

JuniperFromGallifrey said:

It's ok to experiment with our gender, and even a tattoo is less of a commitment than this kind of transition. But how do you know that you know that you know that your son isn't going through a "Bowie phase" and just needs to party through it (assuming he's a teen, I can't imagine he's younger than 12)

Not clear what age OP's child is. But for children gender clinics don't do anything irreversible, so not sure that it's more of a commitment than a tattoo. Mostly it is just talking it through with a psychiatrist/psychologist and "experimenting with gender" as you say. Occasionally puberty blockers are prescribed in the most clear cut cases (which only delay puberty rather than anything permanent). Anything permanent like hormones or surgery are for only available for adults (and take many years to access on the NHS with waiting lists)

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Firstly it might be helpful to contact a domestic abuse helpline. It doesn't sound a healthy environment for yourself or your child. It doesn't matter whether your husband has autism or bad experiences in the past, neither is an excuse for being abusive.

Secondly in supporting your child, it's difficult to give more detailed advice without knowing their age. But in general I'd highly recommend speaking to a GP about getting an NHS referral to a gender clinic as soon as possible. Waiting lists are bad (around 3 years depending on where you live) but getting in the system means there is still the option in future even if ending up going private.

I'd also suggest taking a bit of time and discussing with your child next steps and take things slowly. When I came out as trans I just wanted to rush into it, as it had been something I'd kept bottles up for years. But it's a lot to deal with (for the trans person as well as their family).

Again it depends on your child's age, but think the most supportive thing to do is affirm their gender and discuss how/when they want to tell other people and if/when they want to socially transition (change names, presenting as a girl etc.)

If you have a close friend who you trust to not gossip, it probably would be helpful confiding in as none of this is easy to deal with. Maybe if you explained why to your child and reassured nobody else would find out until they were ready. Otherwise, I think Mermaids and Stonewall have helplines.

So you had CBT to make you stronger to cope with the abuse ,Having a partner should be of benefit for both of you and your children .Sometimes things aren't going to work and blaming yourself isn't right .  Autism is not an excuse to abuse someone .

Unknown said:

I think that the trouble with so much of what we see and read about this issue in the media is that impressionable children are made to believe that changing gender is just a matter of waking up in the morning and deciding you're a girl or a boy.

This is what worries me these days.      The long term problems and poor outcomes are covered up and ignored.

I was with someone for a bit who was abusive. But when I found out he violated codes of conduct, rules of marriage, rules of engagement, I knew my son would need one parent who was better put together so he could have options to how he could operate and so he didn't end up like him. I knew I wouldn't be able to be the best me in that situation. And until they really have agency, like between 24-30 or longer if raised in an abusive home, many decisions kids make are due to a complex surrounding impacting their inner nature. 

Control and domination, disregard and contempt are not really what I look for in a mate - I doubt you did either! How does this happen. We start out thinking there's a connexion and wake up one day afraid to breathe. There are consequences to the laws of physics, the laws of societies, any rules and to all relationships, actually. 

I've heard it's much easier to give physically abusive humans boundaries and limits, they go to jail, they are fined. When humans use manipulation, criticism, disdain, emotional abuse, gaslighting, bullying to rob the life from someone like a vampire, why should they rewarded? 

I always revert back to the passenger safety guide on an aeroplane. Affix your own mask then help your child. I'm not going to be able to help him if I'm starving for oxygen, I won't be able to think clearly. 

There are always a handful of young females want to transition to males because they are aware of the power men are afforded in society. Sometimes they want to change because they believe they'll be more accepted. Sometimes young males feel envy for how emotional women are allowed to feel, sometimes they don't want to mishandle responsibly or power. For these percentages, there are kids who also feel they were born wrong - but to be fully aware of that is no small matter. 

It's ok to experiment with our gender, and even a tattoo is less of a commitment than this kind of transition. But how do you know that you know that you know that your son isn't going through a "Bowie phase" and just needs to party through it (assuming he's a teen, I can't imagine he's younger than 12). The vegan thing is also quite the pressure right now as well and young women are jumping in and ending up in hospital - iron deficient, B deficient, anorexic with new infections and biological problems. 

These are not easy decisions and I honestly would support my son (who's in his 20's) no matter what he wanted to do. His father was alive until he graduated and thankfully I was able to get him to therapy occasionally. There's still quite a bit of work to be done as the impact a reckless, selfish and emotionally abusive man can have on his son. But had I not left I wouldn't be anywhere near the position I'm in now to help him build a future. x