Addiction

Morning, Tom. Sorry to hear works not good for you. Good that your employer recognises some of your issues though. I've had three different line managers in the past 18 months. I've had to go throug everything twice already and I can't face a third time yet. I just stick an earphone in and hope no one bothers me all day

Yes you should congratulate yourself, having the control to walk past and not give in is a massive thing! I sincerely hope that you can keep it going 

As for the bike I would have ended up kicking the hell out of it and walking! 

I know alcohol and drugs are ridiculously hard to kick both of my brothers had alcohol and heroin addictions unfortunately one overdosed which really hit everyone and the other landed himself in prison .but while there he got clean and sober it took him alot of effort but he is now working sober and getting married next year. 

I suppose my point is you can beat it

Well done to you, Joe.  That's a big achievement.

I've had an awful week at work.  I did have a meltdown in view of other people.  I've wound up with a reprimand and told that it can't happen again.  At least they realise now how my autism affects me, and have put measures in place.  I've been allocated a fortnightly meeting with one of the behaviour team, which will help.  But the dynamic at work is not good.  And after that incident, I came home and drank on it.  And it is most definitely the wrong thing to do.  So well done again.

Thread's here, if it's helpful to you:

Head-Crash

I had a fairly unpleasant panic attack in work this afternoon. Work has ramped up quite a bit lately and although I like to keep busy I've taken on one or two new responsibilities. The extra stress got a bit much I guess. I had a bit of a meltdown trying (and failing) to put the wheel back on my bike after a puncture as I left the office too. Luckily there was no one there to see me. 

I had to go up to bed as soon as I got home. Came very close to self harming. Totally overwhelmed. The thing is alcohol is usually my crutch in these situations. A few drinks to calm the old nerves and all that. But I've sat it out tonight. I haven't had a drink and now I feel like I'm over the worst of it. I even went to the corner shop earlier and walked right past the fridge with the beers in it without stopping. So I suppose I am making some progress and I should congratulate myself. 

All of the really shameful things I've done in my life - smashed things, made a scene in public, ended up in hospitals and police cells - have been done because of alcohol.  I blamed the booze for a long time before I accepted that it's me.  Something in me the booze lets out.  As a sober person, I'm as nice as pie.  As a drunk I'm a fiend.

JoeChip said:

One thing I've learned it that you have to just pick yourself up and dust yourself off after these little falls.

Quite right; I've had to pick myself up after falling off the horse many times. You are "owning" the consequences too. To be able to admit that "I" did bad things, rather than lapsing into the tired old excuse "the booze/drugs made me do it", as if it were some kind of demonic possession, is incredibly important. Identifying the source of the thoughts and behaviours which the drugs reveal, and accepting that they come from somewhere deep within ourself, is key to fixing the things which drive the addiction.

No trouble created...it is Mr T/deleted user I’m trying to track down.... again.... I am careless

Just checking, is it the 'deleted user' you want to pm you or me? I don't come on forums much so don't really know the score. Don't want to just ignore you. Hope you're OK. Didn't intend to start any trouble by creating this thread. 

Thanks. I haven't done so well this week. Had a drink on Tuesday. It was only 4 cans but it led to an argument between me and the missus. I said some things I shouldn't have. I slumped into a depression and stayed off work for a couple of days mostly in bed. Binged quite a bit on Friday too (drugs and alcohol). Anyway I didn't drink last night and I don't intend to today either. One thing I've learned it that you have to just pick yourself up and dust yourself off after these little falls. Did a bit s#@t this week but I'll do better next week. 

Will you PM me please..

Well done with this, it takes courage to talk about these things.  I also struggle a lot with alcohol.  It's usually at weekends when I binge.  I try not to drink druing the week because of work.  I took antibuse for a while.  I think I should have stayed on them.  I hope things are working out all right for you.

I'm sorry that neither of you feel able to acknowledge my apology, though I made it with all sincerity - just as I made that mistake.  Another factor is that I was deeply ashamed of the concern I caused.  It happened in blackout and I had no idea what I was doing.  I didn't think it was necessary to see some of the earlier posts because of that.  But I say again that Joe should certainly read the whole thread so that he can see both where this illness can lead, and the overwhelming support I was given by the wonderful people on this forum.  I cannot say more than that.

Well done!!!

I cannot remember exactly, but I've read that the physical addiction actually passes after a few days. It is the mental part that is the most difficult.

Try keeping up the good work!

I'm sorry, Ellie.  That isn't what I meant at all. Please don't think I undervalue your contributions.  You did so much, and I'm eternally grateful to you.  I just thought that what Deepthought had to say about alcohol use might be of interest to Joe.  But of course, he should read the whole thread.  It's a reminder of just where this illness can take us.  And of how well we support each other.

I understand why you would be deeply upset by what I've said here.  I'm also deeply upset for having given you the wrong impression.  I'm so sorry.

The same goes to you, Lonewarrior.  I wasn't at all meaning to be dismissive of anyone's help and support during that time.  I'm deeply sorry if you've both taken it that way, but I can understand why you would.

I've amended my post - too late, no doubt. Once again, I say something without thinking it through properly. 

Thanks Trogluddite.

I've had a fair few addictions over the years myself. I've always said it's good to have an addiction to fall back on. Bit daft but like you say it's that perseived relief from anxiety. It's figuring out the healthy ways and getting the balance right that I find a bit difficult at times. 

I've had it drilled into me by one of my therapists that, "this is a marathon not a sprint." I think there's a lot of truth in that. It does take time to learn about your addictions and figure out the patterns/triggers. The main thing is continuing to engage with the right therapists and keep working on it. 

That's great to hear, Joe. As you'll see if you read the thread Tom linked you to, I've been through my own share of battles with the bottle; I still go a bit overboard now and then, but it's been a long time since it ruled my life (just the occasional few hours when I don't know when to stop guzzling, but have friends on hand to keep me in check.)

The best thing is that you feel positive about it; you recognised the achievement rather than treating the few beers as a failure. That's a great attitude; beating yourself up for the odd lapse is the surest way to losing motivation. Be kind to yourself and hang onto that satisfying feeling; it's a touchstone.

I'm still an addict, of course; whether it's booze, smoking, the internet, my daily walks in the woods, my music, my coding projects, or chocolate biscuits. My autistic tendency to repetitive habits is likely to always ensure that I'm addicted to something, and most of those somethings alter my state of mind to give me some relief from anxiety, just as alcohol fools me into thinking it does (until I go boom and it doesn't any more!) It's helped me to realise this, that I'm a bit addicted to being addicted, so to get rid of an unhealthy addiction, I need to find a healthier replacement to fill the void. If I get a bit addicted to the replacement, I cut myself a bit of slack because I know it's far better for me, that a slightly obsessive interest in things is just part of being autistic, and that if I got alcohol (mostly) under control, I can also do it with whatever I replace it with (cigarettes and chocolate biscuits, I'm still working on.)

Thanks Tom. I'll have a read through that when I get a minute. 

Anyway... in case you're interested... here's a link to that thread.  You might find it worth looking at - especially Deepthought's contributions.  Skip the first load of posts.  It's more towards the end...

Cheers

Partial success is better than failure!  Well done, mate.  I admit that I caved in on Saturday and also had a few beers in the evening.  A few yesterday, too - but not huge.  4 cans of 6%. 

The main thing is you stayed off the other stuff, and you feel positive.  Recovery's never a straight road.  When I got wrecked and blacked out the other weekend, I posted something that caused some worries.  It was partly to do with my impending return to work after 2 weeks off and having to confront someone who'd given me a hard time on social media.  It's never easy working with someone you can't get on with. 

Anyway... in case you're interested... here's a link to that thread.  You might find it worth looking at.

Goodnight, and Good Luck

It's not something I'm proud of.  Like I said, though - recovery's never a straight road.

All the best,

Tom

I got bad after my Mum died too. Got it into my head that the antidepressants I was on stopped me grieving so stopped taking them. Ended up having an episode involving a bottle of rum and didn't go back to work for a fair while.

Like you say though there's always someone to look to for inspiration. I've got back into reading books now and that's helped too.