Addiction

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Hi JoeChip, I can relate.There seems to be a bit of a myth that autistic people can't get addicted because addiction is illogical - but I know that isn't true. I got addicted to online gambling before I realised I'm autistic, and looking back I know that I was using the hyperfocus of the games to screen out the sensory world (more accurately perhaps it kept me occupied whilst I sat still in peace and quiet when everyone else in the house had gone to bed).

What I seem to have learned is that addiction is addiction - the "substance" is almost incidental, and focusing on "not doing the thing" isn't particularly helpful. The route out (for me at least) was finding out what the thing gave me and then finding healthy ways to achieve the same result - which isn't easy at all, especially compared to how easy the addiction is to access. Even worse, denying yourself access to "the thing" for me was just another game level to unlock - the prize of the addiction behind the puzzle of the locks that I had put in place.

I had several big "offs" where I lost an awful lot of money in one sitting by depositing more and more money to chase my losses, and the last one of these made me suicidal and feel incredibly alone with no support from anywhere (I rang several support services who turned out to be unhelpful in that instance). But around that time the truth was sinking in about my autism and I was starting to allow myself to be different and look after my own needs, and the abysmal, horrible, lonely feeling of that night stayed in my memory as something that told me never to do it again, and I haven't. It now seems like a distant memory that I think of rarely and part of a previous life, and I'm hugely relieved and thankful.

Hope you can find your way too.

Hello there, JoeChip. How are you and how are you feeling? I hope you cope with all the difficulties and still go on to control yourself. If you still need help, I can recommend applying to this service https://addictionresource.com/drugs/cocaine/ You can just call the helpline and at least get support or some useful recommendations. I hope everything goes well!

Thanks, Tom. Take care. 

Same with me.  I function.  It never interferes with work or other responsibilities.  I don't engage now, no.  The local provision is pretty rubbish since it came out of NHS hands and into the private sector.  Lots of people fall through the cracks. Don't forget you're neurodiverse.  We have a bit more of a struggle than most, and booze - for me - has been the only 'medication' that's really worked against the anxiety and the sense of alienation from the world.

It's a slippery slope, too.  When I first went into treatment, I was a pretty normal, occasional drinker.  Mental health services refused to look at me, though, unless I was completely sober.  Crazy.  I saw all these desperate alcoholics who had lost homes, jobs, partners, liberty.  It's funny how it can take hold, though.  And those 'me, too' moments come along before you know it.

You don't need me to tell you, though. 

Are you still engaging with anyone professionally? I find just going in and speaking to a counsellor very helpful. It provides a bit of focus.

I've been lucky though. I'm in Liverpool and there's quite good provision. High demand and all that. The place I go for drugs counselling is in the city centre. They're treating really hardcore addicts. Crack and heroin addicts. Every time I go in I'm like, "there but for the grace of god.. " and all that. It's like a prison reunion in there some weeks. They all know each other from Walton. 

I'm still functioning. I haven't lost my job or my wife. I just feel a bit weak at times you know. Like, some of these people have overcome far more than me. Had far harder lives than me. Why is it taking me so long? What's wrong with me? I feel a bit guilty to be honest. Like I'm taking their time when they could be helping someone in more need. 

But I'm still going to the appointments. I feel confident that I'm getting there. It took a long time for me to get where I am today. Its going to take a while to get out of it.

Sorry, I'm rambling. A bit worse for wear now to be honest. 

Take care. 

Yeah, that's a challenge.  A young chap who was a neighbour of mine a few years back died of a heart attack after taking coke.  He was only early 30s.  I didn't drink at all until I was in my 30s (just an occasional beer and at Xmas).  The last 5 years have been the worst.  Not had much time away from it in those years.  But I'm 60 next year.  Time enough to knock it on the head.  Thing is, if I'm honest, I don't really want to stop - because I enjoy the highs.  But I need to, for my own health.

Hi Tom. Congratulations on the new job. Something new like that can be something to latch onto and focus on.

Im around all over Christmas so I'll keep an eye on the forums.

It's been a big challenge to have weekends off but I've been doing it. Last week a guy who my wife knew died. He was only young too. Apparently it was his daughter who is the same age as our son (11) who found him. I don't know the full details but it sounds like it could be drugs related. I know he was a dealer cos we used to buy off him and I know he used himself. It sounds like a heart attack from what I've heard. That was an eye opener and I knew I couldn't drink last weekend because as soon as I've had a beer I want a line too. I stayed completely sober for nearly two weeks. It's the longest I've been sober since I was a teen I think.

Anyway onwards and upwards. As you say, let's support each other over the holiday. 

Take care 

Hey Joe.  Funny, I was just wondering how you were going along.

I've been having a bad time recently - off sick from work with stress from bullying.  Quids out of pocket, but at least I'm away from it.  Just heard I've got another job, though, so at least I don't have to go back to it.  Someone's looking out for me.

I've been on it more or less every day since that last message.  Trying to keep it low, though - and having some alcohol-free days.  Today, I got the same thought in my head as you.  Bought myself a few 'presents' to see me over the Xmas period.  I've decided that it's new year, new job, new start.  So, I'll drink what I've got and try to call it my last little fling.

Don't beat yourself up, mate.  It's how our heads work, after all.  12 days is excellent.  Better than I managed.  Try to keep things together and enjoy yourself over the holiday.  Will you be around on the forums at all at Christmas?  We can all support each other.  A few others are having some struggles at the moment, so it'll be good if we can share things in the one sane place I know.

All the best,

Tom

Hey Tom, how's it going? Tough time of year when you're trying to keep bad habits under control. I've just broken 12 days of abstinence unfortunately. Finished work for Christmas and got paid. The temptation got too much. Funny how it happens isn't it? I've been all week telling myself I'd be good and carry on. As soon as I woke up this morning it was on my mind.. "You've been good, you deserve a treat, go on its Christmas." The addict in me. Nagging and nagging. 

I took Antabuse for a few months, which greatly helped.  I knew I would never drink on it, so it took the temptation away.  I didn't need to distract any more.  But then I stopped it...

I think I've been really lucky to be honest, Tom. The people I'm with are really patient. I've learned loads about myself and my addictions. You keep at it mate. Don't give up. Just try to chip waway at it one day at a time if you can. 

I attended a brilliant NHS facility a few years ago - staffed by mental health nurses, some of whom were in recovery themselves.  We had daily peer support groups, courses on 'Relapse Prevention', etc.  Then they lost the contract to a private company who gradually wound down the groups and courses.  Finally, it went to another company who stopped the groups and basically offered ambulatory detox and 'Mindfulness' sessions.  I stopped going about 3 years ago.  I understand it's worse now.  Basically, people have nowhere to go.

AA didn't work for me.  I'm just trying to manage pretty much on my own.  Every time I get a lousy hangover, I just think 'Try to remember how bad this feels.'  But I always forget.

Christmas is coming.  Bad time of year for me... and for most addicts. 

I'm just taking it a day at a time.  Sometimes it's an hour at a time.  When I get the urges, I try distraction.  I do a bit of Mindfulness, which can help.  I have a can of Pepsi with an aspirin, which also relaxes me.  I have a doze, if I can.

Hello Tom.

Haven't managed to completely abstain but only got a few beers in. I don't intend to go out for any more so think I'm fine. 

Do you mind me asking if you have had any help? I've been lucky enough to find some good therapists in the past 12 months or so. I often wonder if the support people get is a postcode lottery. I'm interested in other people's experiences. 

Boy, do I understand these words, Joe.  Time after time after time.

This last week, it's got worryingly bad.  I started with a tiny bottle of wine - one of those that just fills a glass.  I thought that would do, as a treat.  Then I extended the treat with a half-bottle of scotch.  Before the end of the week, I was downing best part of a bottle of scotch  a day.  Last night in bed, my heart was pounding so hard that I couldn't sleep.  I could hear it banging in my head.  Today is my first day sober again.  I've felt pretty frazzled all day.  But I've treated myself to some good food, drunk plenty of water, watched a film to keep my mind distracted.  Tomorrow, I know I'll feel better - after a proper, natural night's sleep.  That's when I have to work that extra bit harder and resist the temptation.

Well done on a week.  I hope you've managed to keep it going.

Keep talking!

The cravings are here! Haven't had a drink yet this week. Im grumpy and twitchy and everything is doing my head in. I don't know weather to sit it out or just give in to it. Obviously the easy thing would be to drink. But easy isn't always the best way. It's crazy how when 'addict brain' kicks in you have this little devil jumping up and down on your shoulder, telling you you, "deserve a treat" or, "you've done really well" or, a million other reasons why it's OK and why it'll be somehow different from all those other times. Like this time I deffinately won't get two beers in think 'f#*k it' buy a bag of coke, stay up till three in the morning and go to bed sweating and worrying that I'm going to have a heart attack. Even though that's probably exactly what's going to happen. But for now at least I feel a bit better for having had a rant. Thanks for listening. 

Don't worry I guessed you were referring to the clean one. I only mentioned it as everyone assumed that they would both end up the same way but with alot of hard work you can turn it around. I wish you all the best

Sorry, Im referring to your story about your brother getting clean. Didn't mean to be insensitive about your brother who overdosed, that's very sad to hear. 

Thanks. Encouraging stories always help me. I'm feeling quite positive again this morning. Hopefully I'll have a clean weekend this week.