Addiction

Hello.

I'm going to share some stuff on here about my experiences of addiction. Writing things down seems to help me. Maybe I'll get some helpful feedback or be able to help someone else too. 

I'm a functioning addict and have been for quite some time, I suppose. My first referral to alcohol services actually came on the back of a mental health assessment for CBT. I went through a questionnaire which included my drinking habits. At the end of the questionnaire the lady doing the assessment said, "well we can't treat you because you're classed as alcohol dependant." This came as quite a shock.

I did engage with alcohol services but I lied about drug use (I was using cocaine every weekend). I quit drinking spirits/wine and drank nothing stronger than beer. I was down to maybe 30 units a week. But it crept back up to 70-80 units plus. I didn't do anything for a couple of years. It was affecting my marriage, work, my mental health. It was affecting everything really. My cocaine use was increasing. I was spending too much. I was starting to get physical withdrawal. I felt worse in the mornings if I didn't drink the night before (a reverse hangover I called it). I was wrestles and kind of itchy due to cocaine withdrawal and spent all week thinking/worrying about my habit. 

I finally bit the bullet and went to my G. P. for a referral. Admitted the whole thing. It was incredibly difficult to do. The first session I went to I broke down in. I could feel the tears coming and I had to just let them. When I left I had to sit in the car for 10 minutes before I could compose myself enough to drive. I spent the rest of the day just lying on my bed crying thinking, "how the *** has it come to this?"

Anyway I carried on with a couple if counselling services (one for drugs and one for alcohol) and got some degree of control back. That was about a year ago. I've cut down to 20 units most weeks. The cocaine use is down to about a quarter of what it used to be. But I have behavioural/habitual issues which are proving difficult to break. Im having CBT via a charity called Addaction at the moment. At my session yesterday I set myself a goal to have a sober/clean weekend this weekend. And I got through last night! I did some Thought Records which my therapist gave me. I tried to replace the, "treat" of alcohol and cocaine with the treat of a take away and some sugary drinks. It wasn't easy but it wasn't too hard either. I still have tonight and Sunday to get through but I feel quite confident.

Hopefully I'll get back on here with some positive news at the end of the weekend.

Bye for now. 

Parents
  • Just a quick update. Partial success over the weekend. No cocaine at all. Sober Friday and Saturday. I did cave in and have a few beers on Sunday but I think that's the lesser of two evils in my case. I feel positive about it. Let's see what next weekend brings! 

Reply
  • Just a quick update. Partial success over the weekend. No cocaine at all. Sober Friday and Saturday. I did cave in and have a few beers on Sunday but I think that's the lesser of two evils in my case. I feel positive about it. Let's see what next weekend brings! 

Children
  • Well done!!!

    I cannot remember exactly, but I've read that the physical addiction actually passes after a few days. It is the mental part that is the most difficult.

    Try keeping up the good work!

  • That's great to hear, Joe. As you'll see if you read the thread Tom linked you to, I've been through my own share of battles with the bottle; I still go a bit overboard now and then, but it's been a long time since it ruled my life (just the occasional few hours when I don't know when to stop guzzling, but have friends on hand to keep me in check.)

    The best thing is that you feel positive about it; you recognised the achievement rather than treating the few beers as a failure. That's a great attitude; beating yourself up for the odd lapse is the surest way to losing motivation. Be kind to yourself and hang onto that satisfying feeling; it's a touchstone.

    I'm still an addict, of course; whether it's booze, smoking, the internet, my daily walks in the woods, my music, my coding projects, or chocolate biscuits. My autistic tendency to repetitive habits is likely to always ensure that I'm addicted to something, and most of those somethings alter my state of mind to give me some relief from anxiety, just as alcohol fools me into thinking it does (until I go boom and it doesn't any more!) It's helped me to realise this, that I'm a bit addicted to being addicted, so to get rid of an unhealthy addiction, I need to find a healthier replacement to fill the void. If I get a bit addicted to the replacement, I cut myself a bit of slack because I know it's far better for me, that a slightly obsessive interest in things is just part of being autistic, and that if I got alcohol (mostly) under control, I can also do it with whatever I replace it with (cigarettes and chocolate biscuits, I'm still working on.)

  • Partial success is better than failure!  Well done, mate.  I admit that I caved in on Saturday and also had a few beers in the evening.  A few yesterday, too - but not huge.  4 cans of 6%. 

    The main thing is you stayed off the other stuff, and you feel positive.  Recovery's never a straight road.  When I got wrecked and blacked out the other weekend, I posted something that caused some worries.  It was partly to do with my impending return to work after 2 weeks off and having to confront someone who'd given me a hard time on social media.  It's never easy working with someone you can't get on with. 

    Anyway... in case you're interested... here's a link to that thread.  You might find it worth looking at.

    Goodnight, and Good Luck

    It's not something I'm proud of.  Like I said, though - recovery's never a straight road.

    All the best,

    Tom