Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I'm going to share some stuff on here about my experiences of addiction. Writing things down seems to help me. Maybe I'll get some helpful feedback or be able to help someone else too.
I'm a functioning addict and have been for quite some time, I suppose. My first referral to alcohol services actually came on the back of a mental health assessment for CBT. I went through a questionnaire which included my drinking habits. At the end of the questionnaire the lady doing the assessment said, "well we can't treat you because you're classed as alcohol dependant." This came as quite a shock.
I did engage with alcohol services but I lied about drug use (I was using cocaine every weekend). I quit drinking spirits/wine and drank nothing stronger than beer. I was down to maybe 30 units a week. But it crept back up to 70-80 units plus. I didn't do anything for a couple of years. It was affecting my marriage, work, my mental health. It was affecting everything really. My cocaine use was increasing. I was spending too much. I was starting to get physical withdrawal. I felt worse in the mornings if I didn't drink the night before (a reverse hangover I called it). I was wrestles and kind of itchy due to cocaine withdrawal and spent all week thinking/worrying about my habit.
I finally bit the bullet and went to my G. P. for a referral. Admitted the whole thing. It was incredibly difficult to do. The first session I went to I broke down in. I could feel the tears coming and I had to just let them. When I left I had to sit in the car for 10 minutes before I could compose myself enough to drive. I spent the rest of the day just lying on my bed crying thinking, "how the *** has it come to this?"
Anyway I carried on with a couple if counselling services (one for drugs and one for alcohol) and got some degree of control back. That was about a year ago. I've cut down to 20 units most weeks. The cocaine use is down to about a quarter of what it used to be. But I have behavioural/habitual issues which are proving difficult to break. Im having CBT via a charity called Addaction at the moment. At my session yesterday I set myself a goal to have a sober/clean weekend this weekend. And I got through last night! I did some Thought Records which my therapist gave me. I tried to replace the, "treat" of alcohol and cocaine with the treat of a take away and some sugary drinks. It wasn't easy but it wasn't too hard either. I still have tonight and Sunday to get through but I feel quite confident.
Hopefully I'll get back on here with some positive news at the end of the weekend.
Bye for now.
I had a fairly unpleasant panic attack in work this afternoon. Work has ramped up quite a bit lately and although I like to keep busy I've taken on one or two new responsibilities. The extra stress got a bit much I guess. I had a bit of a meltdown trying (and failing) to put the wheel back on my bike after a puncture as I left the office too. Luckily there was no one there to see me.
I had to go up to bed as soon as I got home. Came very close to self harming. Totally overwhelmed. The thing is alcohol is usually my crutch in these situations. A few drinks to calm the old nerves and all that. But I've sat it out tonight. I haven't had a drink and now I feel like I'm over the worst of it. I even went to the corner shop earlier and walked right past the fridge with the beers in it without stopping. So I suppose I am making some progress and I should congratulate myself.
Yes you should congratulate yourself, having the control to walk past and not give in is a massive thing! I sincerely hope that you can keep it going
As for the bike I would have ended up kicking the hell out of it and walking!
I know alcohol and drugs are ridiculously hard to kick both of my brothers had alcohol and heroin addictions unfortunately one overdosed which really hit everyone and the other landed himself in prison .but while there he got clean and sober it took him alot of effort but he is now working sober and getting married next year.
I suppose my point is you can beat it
Well done to you, Joe. That's a big achievement.
I've had an awful week at work. I did have a meltdown in view of other people. I've wound up with a reprimand and told that it can't happen again. At least they realise now how my autism affects me, and have put measures in place. I've been allocated a fortnightly meeting with one of the behaviour team, which will help. But the dynamic at work is not good. And after that incident, I came home and drank on it. And it is most definitely the wrong thing to do. So well done again.
Thread's here, if it's helpful to you:
Head-Crash