Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I was taking time out and I didn't want to bother people again. But something has happened and a I don't know who else I can talk to with the same level of understanding as I get here. Everyone knows my back-story. Many of you know, too, I had a bit of a rough time a month or two back after a colleague gave me a hard time. Since I returned to work she's been okay, as if nothing happened, and I've tried to let it go. It hasn't been easy, and I don't really like being around her, but we've managed. She hasn't a clue of the impact her seemingly trivial action had on me, but as we all know - there's little to be gained in trying to get people to understand, and it's probably best left.
Yesterday was a stressful day by normal standards, but I was managing. There was an incident in the afternoon involving the client I was with and it shook me up a bit. Maybe I should have taken some time out, but I felt okay and carried on. However, things spilled over until later on in the afternoon. I was still dealing with this client when there was another incident involving her. I was around other staff members at this time and doing my best to control the situation - which I was misreading. Included in this group was the member of staff mentioned before. The 'people-pleaser' in me felt I should be doing one thing to handle the situation (because everyone has different ways of handling these situations), but part of me knew there was a better answer. But I was under stress - more so than even I realised. It got to a point where another member of staff (friendly with the one mentioned earlier, and similar in personality) came to intervene. Apparently, the manager had asked her to because it sounded like I needed help - which I didn't, really. She effectively took control of the situation by, essentially, undermining my authority (though she wouldn't see it that way.) The other staff member mentioned before then came an joined her, and it soon escalated into an attack on my ability to do the job properly. 'You were allowing the situation to get out of control', 'You were provoking the incident,' etc. I was getting multiple inputs from them, sending my anxiety higher. It felt like being attacked. Finally, my anxiety red-lined... and I turned and punched the wall.
That sent shock waves, as you can imagine. We have clients who do that all the time, and no one bats an eye-lid - because it's expected. They look at me and they look at the clients who do that and see vastly different people, because I don't have learning disabilities and care needs. They don't understand that - these factors aside - I have more in common with the clients than I do with the staff. But for some reason, I'm not expected to have my limits and behave that way. Naturally, the staff go straight to the manager and report me because they're so shocked at my appalling behaviour. I then take time out and speak to the manager, who is very understanding. I then speak to another senior manager, who is also understanding. They've convened a meeting this afternoon that I need to attend, with all parties concerned, so that this can be aired. I need to say my piece. I need to tell them all how it really is with me. I need to remind them all:
I'm autistic, too - as they well know. I may look like everyone else, and behave in all sorts of 'normal' ways. But I have limits that they don't.
I was planning to go in this morning, but I'm too shaken up still. My manager understands. I'm still shaking as I write this. I don't know how this is all going to pan out. But if those two staff members turn against me, life will be very difficult for me there.
I just don't know what else I can do. Except not drink at this time, and I know I won't. Somehow, I must keep my head and go through it.
I didn't know who else I could tell who would understand.
Thank you for reading.
Tom
Hi Tom.
I'm saddened to hear what's been happening to you, but glad to see you around again all the same. I hope that today hasn't been as bad as you might have feared. I've been in similar situations many times before; I won't go into details, as I'm sure I wouldn't be able to tell you anything that you don't already know. I'm glad to hear that you have some good allies, and that you have resisted the temptation to drown your sorrows in alcohol.
Best wishes.
Back into the lion's den today. The social media gossip mill has certainly been working. A friendly colleague has notified me that several people - some of whom didn't even need to know, but that's how it goes - have been asking why I punched a wall. They all know I'm autistic. I can only hope for an understanding reception.
'If only...' Yes. I'm now set to work until I'm 67. I don't think I will work that long, somehow. I'm planning to 'retire early'. I will go sick when there's too little left to make it worth me looking for another job.
As I had to point out to my Regional Manager today, who reprimanded me (short of a formal warning) about what happened. He said 'I've worked twice as long as you in care, and I still ask for help if I need it.' I replied 'I've worked half as long as you in care with an autistic brain, and have never needed help.'
Suck on that!
Thanks for posting this diagram Tom. I find it very interesting too. I'm in the latter part of my career and the effort of trying to fit into NT workplaces for so many years eventually takes its toll.
If only there were more benign working environments without negativity, hostility and abuses of power. Every job involves some stress but where colleagues genuinely respect each other, and don't engage in office politics, this can be kept to a minimum.
With the state pension age increasing more thought needs to be given to how older autistic people can be enabled to remain in work as long as they wish. Flexible opportunities relating to autistic people's individual strengths and interests are a vital part of this.
Do hope everything has gone OK for you this afternoon.
Interesting, though by that chart I think I’ve hit burnout a little early (I’m just a young adult). That being said, I’ve faced many things in my short life that a lot of people never have to face in their entire lives...
Martian Tom said:I simply can't work in a negative environment. I did it once before, 20 years ago, and it led to such a serious breakdown (all pre-diagnosis) that I was scared to go outdoors for months.
Same here - I’ve also attempted to battle on in that environment and it led to a breakdown, a suicide attempt (that was nearly successful) and a psychiatric disorder that is still troubling me to this day. I resolved after that experience that I would never put myself through such difficulties again, no matter how much I loved my job, hence my latest resignation just a week ago...
Look after yourself Tom, and don’t push yourself too far. Best wishes for the meeting - I hope you manage to say what you need to and that they listen to you.
P.S. It’s very nice to see you back here, many of us have missed you.
I found this, which I thought was interesting. For a while, I think I've been treading an edge between managing and burning out.
You are right Tom, they will understand. Glad you are taking the bus. I'll be thinking of you this afternoon.
Struggling to give an open reply.
I need to consider how much i say on here, but there is so much to say, stupid fucking interwebz.
Thanks, Perdu. I think you and I are quite alike in those respects. The two people in question are very much what you'd call 'attack dogs'. Very loud and self-important, very set in their views, very free with telling other people how to do their jobs. And very friendly with one another. All I can do is give my story and leave it to them. I know I have more than a few supporters.
Bullying throughout school taught me some things, too... but it didn't teach me to master my confidence levels. Something like yesterday brings me right down. Other people have said pretty much what you've said. You can't win.
If this goes badly, it'll be hell at work for me. I can ask, and will be granted (I know) that I don't work around these women if it all goes against me. One of them, I know, bullied a new guy and managed to get him fired before his probationary period was up. She took against him, then fabricated stories and effectively bullied other staff members into supporting her. They would comply because no one wants to be on her wrong side. That's the way the system works. Put up, shut up, stay onside.
I dread having to back out, if it comes to it, and go sick. But I'll have little option if it gets really bad. I simply can't work in a negative environment. I did it once before, 20 years ago, and it led to such a serious breakdown (all pre-diagnosis) that I was scared to go outdoors for months.
Thanks, Sunflower. I'll make it clear that if I feel uncomfortable at any point, I'll need to leave. They will understand that. Still very shaky. I'll need to get a bus over as I don't think I can drive. Thankfully, given the fact that it's an autism charity, I'll have on my side that it won't look good if they can't take care of the needs of their own autistic staff members.
Tom, I'm so sorry about what has happened. I don't know you yet, as I am new to this community, but I just wanted to say do take care of yourself.
I'm glad to hear you have colleagues who are on your side and managers who are understanding. I've sometimes attended meetings when tired and upset and then wished that I hadn't. If you do attend and it starts getting too much you could ask for it to be adjourned. Much better to talk things through when calm and rested. Stay strong and keep your head - you will get through this.
Glad to see you back Tom, but not in these circumstances :(
I can actually feel the anxiety in me rising as i recognise that feeling, being harangued and trapped but unable to get away. I know had the path behind you been clear you would have walked away.
I have no advice to give about these sort of situations, they are something i avoid like the plague.
One thing i have learned is that i forget that the NT population are generally driven by a desire to *** eachother over, we don't possess that i don't think, it is not a natural nor default state of mind for us, our anger stems not from the urge to hurt or cause pain but is an inability to channel frustration.
I used to be the most zen person you would probably meet, i was the master of controlling how i respond to situations, this wasn't an inate ability, this was beaten into me by the bullies at school, well actually it wasn't just the bullies it was everyone, teachers included. I was sport.
I eventually realised why they all did this. There is nothing more delicious to these psychos than to elicit an emotional response, in my case all the more tasty because of my size, to see a giant blubbering from their actions makes a lot of peoples juices flow, doesn't matter that i'm a gentle giant and their actions are abusive, i'm a big scalp for their id (as in id and ego not I.D.).
I have now lost that ability, i know why, and i'm not sure i can do anything about it. I have no control of my life, we are disempowered at our core by the government.
But i don't think thats the case for you, you are still 'in the world', find it tom, find the balance, its there, somewhere.
I sat at home last night, in a pit of anxiety, knowing that the gossip-mill would be going full kilter about me. I know there are staff there who are on my side who will be more understanding and sympathetic. Staff who have family members with high-functioning autism, and who know how things go. I have to rely on that. But we all know how stuff can get distorted, and how intimidation campaigns can start once people turn against you.