Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I'm going to share some stuff on here about my experiences of addiction. Writing things down seems to help me. Maybe I'll get some helpful feedback or be able to help someone else too.
I'm a functioning addict and have been for quite some time, I suppose. My first referral to alcohol services actually came on the back of a mental health assessment for CBT. I went through a questionnaire which included my drinking habits. At the end of the questionnaire the lady doing the assessment said, "well we can't treat you because you're classed as alcohol dependant." This came as quite a shock.
I did engage with alcohol services but I lied about drug use (I was using cocaine every weekend). I quit drinking spirits/wine and drank nothing stronger than beer. I was down to maybe 30 units a week. But it crept back up to 70-80 units plus. I didn't do anything for a couple of years. It was affecting my marriage, work, my mental health. It was affecting everything really. My cocaine use was increasing. I was spending too much. I was starting to get physical withdrawal. I felt worse in the mornings if I didn't drink the night before (a reverse hangover I called it). I was wrestles and kind of itchy due to cocaine withdrawal and spent all week thinking/worrying about my habit.
I finally bit the bullet and went to my G. P. for a referral. Admitted the whole thing. It was incredibly difficult to do. The first session I went to I broke down in. I could feel the tears coming and I had to just let them. When I left I had to sit in the car for 10 minutes before I could compose myself enough to drive. I spent the rest of the day just lying on my bed crying thinking, "how the *** has it come to this?"
Anyway I carried on with a couple if counselling services (one for drugs and one for alcohol) and got some degree of control back. That was about a year ago. I've cut down to 20 units most weeks. The cocaine use is down to about a quarter of what it used to be. But I have behavioural/habitual issues which are proving difficult to break. Im having CBT via a charity called Addaction at the moment. At my session yesterday I set myself a goal to have a sober/clean weekend this weekend. And I got through last night! I did some Thought Records which my therapist gave me. I tried to replace the, "treat" of alcohol and cocaine with the treat of a take away and some sugary drinks. It wasn't easy but it wasn't too hard either. I still have tonight and Sunday to get through but I feel quite confident.
Hopefully I'll get back on here with some positive news at the end of the weekend.
Bye for now.
Just a quick update. Partial success over the weekend. No cocaine at all. Sober Friday and Saturday. I did cave in and have a few beers on Sunday but I think that's the lesser of two evils in my case. I feel positive about it. Let's see what next weekend brings!
Partial success is better than failure! Well done, mate. I admit that I caved in on Saturday and also had a few beers in the evening. A few yesterday, too - but not huge. 4 cans of 6%.
The main thing is you stayed off the other stuff, and you feel positive. Recovery's never a straight road. When I got wrecked and blacked out the other weekend, I posted something that caused some worries. It was partly to do with my impending return to work after 2 weeks off and having to confront someone who'd given me a hard time on social media. It's never easy working with someone you can't get on with.
Anyway... in case you're interested... here's a link to that thread. You might find it worth looking at.
Goodnight, and Good Luck
It's not something I'm proud of. Like I said, though - recovery's never a straight road.
All the best,
Tom
No trouble created...it is Mr T/deleted user I’m trying to track down.... again.... I am careless
Just checking, is it the 'deleted user' you want to pm you or me? I don't come on forums much so don't really know the score. Don't want to just ignore you. Hope you're OK. Didn't intend to start any trouble by creating this thread.
Will you PM me please..
I'm sorry that neither of you feel able to acknowledge my apology, though I made it with all sincerity - just as I made that mistake. Another factor is that I was deeply ashamed of the concern I caused. It happened in blackout and I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't think it was necessary to see some of the earlier posts because of that. But I say again that Joe should certainly read the whole thread so that he can see both where this illness can lead, and the overwhelming support I was given by the wonderful people on this forum. I cannot say more than that.
I'm sorry, Ellie. That isn't what I meant at all. Please don't think I undervalue your contributions. You did so much, and I'm eternally grateful to you. I just thought that what Deepthought had to say about alcohol use might be of interest to Joe. But of course, he should read the whole thread. It's a reminder of just where this illness can take us. And of how well we support each other.
I understand why you would be deeply upset by what I've said here. I'm also deeply upset for having given you the wrong impression. I'm so sorry.
The same goes to you, Lonewarrior. I wasn't at all meaning to be dismissive of anyone's help and support during that time. I'm deeply sorry if you've both taken it that way, but I can understand why you would.
I've amended my post - too late, no doubt. Once again, I say something without thinking it through properly.
Thanks Tom. I'll have a read through that when I get a minute.
Anyway... in case you're interested... here's a link to that thread. You might find it worth looking at - especially Deepthought's contributions. Skip the first load of posts. It's more towards the end...
Cheers